ZIE LIST #24

#24.GO CAMPING

While in India, I went on a camel safari. We camped in the Thar desert overnight. This was an unforgettable experience, in many ways....


I settled in Bikaner, Rajasthan for a few days. The first day I went on a tour of local palaces and havelis. I also ventured to Deshnok to see the infamous Karni Mata temple(also know as the rat temple.... more on this in forthcoming post). Joining me on this tour was a slender, fair skinned Punjabi man in his late thirties. At first glance I assumed he was Persian and also gay. He was neither. I found him a bit odd, but day one went off without a hitch.

The following day, my unforgettable camel safari commenced. Joining Punjabi Perv and I, was a couple Sara and Dave(she was American, he was a Brit). On our jeep ride through small towns, we engaged in a lively conversation about our experiences thus far in India. I complained about people staring and taking pictures of me. She bemoaned about having her breast grabbed. She thought because she was a ginger, she received a little extra attention.  I concurred.

We arrived at the camel station, where we were instructed to select our  desert beast. I picked a young male named Raja(which means king, fitting for someone as regal as myself). It ended up being a wise decision because the rest of the party got stuck with older males, of mating age that kept doing this vile thing. Raja, like me was virginal and had no interest in mating. As I got closer to Raja, I had a change of heart. I wanted to go back to the guest house and not mount the smelly beast. I quieted my inner coward and mounted Raja like a queen( not really I almost fell off). Each of us had our own camel guide. My guide kept leaving my camel unattended to go smoke cigarettes and talk on his cell phone.

Our jaunt took us through small villages(I captured two of my favourite images on this ride). After two hours of riding we stopped for lunch. They cooked us an amazing Rajasthani vegetarian meal. We continued for another two hours. My couter bone was incredibly sore and my right leg was numb. For an hour I wanted to remove my foot from the stirrup to stretch, but I feared Raja would lead me into yet another bush; I would tumble, get trampled by a herd of camels and then they would have to ship my battered body back to Canada and I would end up on one of those shows like "100 crazy ways to die". I kept my foot in the stirrup.

We stopped and our guides set up three tents. They made us  afternoon tea, then dinner. Even though the surroundings were sparse, I had to pinch myself— I was eating dinner in the Thar desert, gazing at the stars, with  Rajasthani folk music in the background, from a temple over the dune. After dinner, they set up a camp fire. Punjabi Perv and I went and sat in front of the fire. That is when the following exchange happened...(insert Punjabi accent in PP's lines)

PP: So do you know where my tent is?

ME:(I turn and look at the three tents wondering where this turdbasket is going)Yeah...Its the one at the end.

PP: Ok good, good. I just wanted to let you know that I can offer you very nice oral sex and also full body massage....

ME: Ummmm.....No, I'm good thanks.

PP: But we cannot have sex because I do not have a condom
(yeah, because that's the reason we wouldn't be having sex)

ME: Yeah, but NO. No thanks.

PP:Shhh. Do not answer yet. Think about for a while. I am very gifted with the oral. You know where my tent is.

I was amused and horrified at the same time. Amused that this would happen to me in THE DESERT. Horrified because we were sleeping in tents, in the desert. I wondered what kind of man would offer to mangia a woman who had been riding a camel for 4 hours and peeing in a bush(my friend Josh said I should've let him at it).

Thankfully Sara and Dave came and sat by the fire. We all chatted for a while. I would catch him looking at me over the fire. When the fire died they went to get more thatch from a small house. I thought F**K! He starts again...

PP: I think they are going to have some fun

ME:No... No they aren't. They are going get stuff for the fire.

PP:No they are going to have fun. The house will shake soon. We should have fun

ME:No...no we shouldn't.

When they returned, I asked Sara the accompany me to the ladies room(the bush) and I told her about PP. She said she thought he was a bit weird. She offered to share her tent with me and have Dave sleep in the middle tent.  I declined and said that my pepper spray and pen would be enough protection. We returned to the fire and I stayed for another hour and then retired to my tent. I put my backpack in front of the zip, inside my tent(as Sara instructed). I tried to settle in sleep until I heard something flap in the wind. I sat up in my tent, pepper spray in one hand and my pen in the other. (If you are wondering what I planned on doing with a pen...I planned on stabbing that bitch in the jugular). I settled again, until I heard what sounded like an animal at the back of my tent. I listened for an hour.

The next morning I commented that I thought I heard something at the back of my tent. Dave agreed. PP said "Oh really."
Later on, I looked at the back of my tent, I saw animal footprints but I also saw shoe prints...

We ate breakfast. Dave and Sara continued on a camel safari, while I had to head back with PP in a camel cart. It was a two hour ride in that cart with PP. In that time, I found out he was married with three children...He spewed crap about eating organic and staying away from processed foods, clean, healthy living, blah, blah, blah. Then he said the following "I don't smoke or drink I eat healthy. I'm turning forty but I have the body and agility of a twenty year old." I nearly tossed my breakfast. (Side note:He drank three large Kingfisher beers during the safari and also smoked two potent Indian hand-rolled cigarettes on the camel cart) I called him out on his hypocrisy. He said he was on vacation.... On vacation without your wife and three children. Brilliant. Upon arrival at the guest house I promptly fled the jeep(without saying good-bye)locked myself in my room and took a very long shower...

POF

Le sigh...

mma83:your beautifulllllllllll
How many times can I stress the difference between your and you're? I'm going to burst a blood vessel if I think about it any longer. Telling me I'm beautiful isn't enough? Must you and 10 extra L's for emphasis?

wanting: uh holy boobs and face batman!
Yes, you're quite right—both are magnificent. Only some sort of uncultured philistine would think such a vulgar message is a suitable opening line. Kill me.

docman: i am the genuine men you are looking for look no father wright back if you can
???????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????
 I sincerely hope English is not his first language. His profile said he has a masters degree. Are they doling that shit out for free? Where can I procure one?

cuteguy29:hey babe just wanted 2 let u know u are really beautiful just wanted 2 know if u like 2 talk sometime get 2 know eachother and see where it goes if u do babe msg back if not it is cool babe and happy fishing....
This guy has messaged me several times. Each time I blocked him. I assume that he keeps creating new accounts because he thinks I'll forget how ghastly he was the previous time. He looks like an emaciated Vanilla Ice. We all know I like them hungry looking, but I have to draw the line somewhere. He seems to like the number 2 quite a bit. Maybe he wants me to shit on him?

POF wanks

Going back to the root of what started this blog—insulting men from POF. A few peeps have told me that they miss this part and they want to see more of it. I will try and post them more frequently, but the freaks don't come out as much...or maybe I have just become immune.

mango33:(message#1)There is a miracle called Friendship.I'm wishing at this time for miracle to hapend to for u to be my friend.I know now why Shakespeare could not compare his love to a summer’s day.
What the ras are you talking about? Like this turdbasket has ever read some mother f**ckin Shakespeare. Why is the word friendship capitalized?

mango33:(message #2)It would be a crime to denounce the beauty
of such a creature as u are be u men on pic
Creature? That title should be reserved for Sasquatch or the lochness monster— I am a lady. I read the highlighted part of this sentence over and over again, trying to decipher what language he speaks. It must be some peasant dialect that I am not familiar with.


ras77:dear my weekend was grt could have been better if i had a princes like u beside me,lol,how was urs hope pof is treating u well,i think im done with this site it so may white girls that will not let a brother meet a sweet sister like u
What happened to periods and capital letters and spelling you? So you blame white girls for not meeting a "sweet sister" like me? How about the fact that you can't spell princess, or the fact that you are wearing a t-shirt that looks like my night-shirt or the fact that you have a doo-rag on in your profile pic, or the fact that you say you want a "trained woman". This wanker should be grateful any woman with a low enough self-esteem would be interested in him.

taylors: I have always wanted to lick a black girls ass. You look like you have a nice donk.
Scusi? Holy f**k nuts batman! Its been a while since I got one of these freaks. I do have a nice donk. One that he will never see. I think he must have googled the word "donk".  I would never consider this but a part of me wants to tell him yes. I would eat at taco bell, curry goat and cheesecake. Then I would take a shard and not wipe myself and then I would tell him to get to work. Sorry, I disgust myself sometimes.

I think I've been hacked

Just a few minutes ago, something very strange happened. The flashing light on my blackberry indicated that I had two new messages. One was from POF and the other was from me. It was an email I had sent to someone in 2003. It was an angry email, one I had forgotten about. I just couldn't wrap my head around it. I know I didn't send this message to myself and I was pretty sure I deleted it a long time ago.

I logged onto my PC and checked my sent messages.There was no trace of the email. I viewed all my old messages and the furthest back is from 2004. How is it possible that a message that I deleted years ago could be sent to me by me? I find this rather unsettling. Any advice?

Frequently asked questions

I find I get asked certain questions by POF suitors all the time. . These are the answers I would want to send them, but since I am a nice girl, I don't.

1)Do you like white guys?
I get this question often(at least once a day). Many times this is the first question they'll ask me. Asking me this question means you've already conceded defeat. You assume that I don't like white guys so why waste your time? How about asking me questions about my interests, etc.?

2)Why are you so pretty?
(I swear they really ask this) I wasn't born that way. I photograph well and paint my face artfully. Without all the artifice, I look like a pug( I KID).

3) What's your mix?
Am I a f*#ckin dog?(I think the pictures of me with a weave throws them off). My mix is straight up negro. (My friend Zahara who has fair skin and long hair often gets asked why she has herself listed as black, or people tell her she's made a mistake. HAHAHA! I find it amusing.)

4)I swear I'm not a douche. How can I get to know you?
By not making proclamations of your non-douchiness. Often, people who protest the most, are the most blantant offenders. Proclaiming you are not a douche generally means you are one.

5)Why are you on this site?
I ask myself that question everyday...because of the blog, because I am socially inept, because it makes me feel normal after perusing the turdbaskets online.

6)What do you like to do in your spare time?
Draw penises, make new penis flute songs, stare at myself in the mirror as I play my penis flute, send my brother poems and news on pork, harass my nephew Boobers, stare at the solitary hair on my chin, make voodoo dolls, meditate, levitate, prostrate, ejaculate, and emancipate.

7) I think you're hot. What do you think of me?
(they really ask this, especially the really ugly ones) If I could conjure up all the mucus in the world and the spit the biggest lugie onto your face, it would make a vast improvement. Beat it.

FML

Sexcrazie: well well, someone that thinks the way I do!we need to talk. Hope your weekend was great, get back to me if your interested and after you take a peek at my profile. hope to hear back from you. Have a wonderful day. You sound really interesting, I'd love to explore your mind and your body!

I found it a little intriguing. We think the same way... we need to talk. He had no picture, so I suspected that he looks like Gollum. I was curious enough to check his profile and it was...


I'm a very open minded fun/passionate person, am always involved in many outlets of expression. I'm athletic, I love to play a game of anything anytime anywhere. There is nothing more I enjoy than to please a woman, to make her feel like woman. Massages, touch, tongue bath, you name it, very open minded, very experimental and looking for like-minded singles (attached or not), couples, non-white, exotic, women with mystique.

What I seek.....
* open minded women/couples, fringe lifestyle's, alternative women, tattoo'd women, Non-White women, older women (yummy)
* casual, no strings attached sexploration
* Looking to explore any fantasy
* Looking to act out a few fantasies
* looking for a friendship that can develop into FWB
* open and honest discreet friendships.
* looking to serve you, take care of your needs.
* Kink and other things could be sexplored.

****NEVER BEEN WITH A BLACK WOMAN, AND WOULD JUST LOVE TO DEVOUR ONE!

Unfortunately, when I read this I was in the midst of devouring a banana and nearly met my demise by choking on my phallic fruit. Why and how do these people find me? I put up the most virginal/demure pictures of myself that I could find, but they still find their way to me.

I have yet to experience a tongue bath. How does one get clean if ladened with the saliva of a dirty man? Open, honest and discreet friendship. Does that mean open and honest between lovers and discreet with your wife? Do I look like a putana? I think I may steal his terms "sexploration" and  "sexplored". Too smart for words.

***YOU WILL NEVER BE WITH THIS BLACK WOMAN. GO FOR A WANK AND LEAVE ME ALONE!

Lull

I have not forsaken you. Things have been a little slow. I have been trolling for dates and no one is biting. I gave five guys my  phone number (including one who picked me up on the street and was not that attractive) all in the name of getting these 30 dates done. Can you believe none of them have called me? Maybe it's because I have stopped playing my flute every morning or perhaps my mating calls have fallen of deaf ears.

A friend of mine got on my ass about my blog (they always seem to do that). She told me its been lacking lately. I wouldn't disagree. Sometimes I'm just not that prolific. She wondered where the POF messages were of late. To be honest, they have been pretty tame—normal even. But then...I checked this morning and there were gifts from the heavens! A myriad of treats in my inbox.


Dunno:people who know you never tell you they love you you relly lucky for a guy to tell you that

What happened to punctuation? You're right, people in my life never tell me they love me because I am a surly bitch. What is relly? A guy would be really lucky to tell me that (once he gets past the teflon protective coating that encases my heart).

Yardley:wen i saw ur pic i couldn't take my eyes off u. u seem like a nice girl to get to know n be around with. i will love to get to know u more. cell? facebook

Understandable. Sometimes, I can't take my eyes off me either( I KID). I'm not a nice girl (once upon a time I was). Maybe people think because they're online, they don't need to spell properly or use a full word. "UR" drives me mad more than any other, because I know if he were to spell it out, he would put your instead of you're. Not going over this again people. Don't send me a message like you're writing a text!!!!!!!!!!!



Bobg: hello your very pretty would like to get to no u if that ok

NO!NO!NO! It's not ok! F@$K! For the last time YOUR precedes possession. ie) I'm going to smash your face in the next time you send me a message like this. You're = you are. ie) You're a turdbasket.


Devon77: I love you.

How I have longed for a man to say that to me. I was hoping that he wouldn't look like Micheal Clarke Duncan in the Green Mile (he actually had on overalls in his profile pic) and live in bumfuck Alberta(sorry).

Someone is gonna get a shank in their ribs

Troika:Do you date white men?
I adore and prefer to date black women, but it is hard to find intelligent and open
minded ones here in Toronto. Lots with attitude and little else.
Have a beautiful day,
Easternblocdouchebag


Rhodesia:So...you start off with saying you prefer black women and then end with insulting us?


Troika:Thank you for your email.
It was just an observation. Sadly attitude is assumed to standard in for reasoned
argument, as in your case.(that sentence makes no sense)Hopefully you might prove me wrong that there are open minded and intelligent black women here in Toronto that do need to fall back on ABW syndrome.(Oh please massa can I???)Have a beautiful night,
Easternblocdouchebag


Rhodesia:I don't have an attitude but when someone sends a message and insults my entire race of women, I can't help but be a little perturbed. Maybe you approach other black women in the same fashion. I have had many white men approach me looking for sex or in a manner that is not respectful. I don't go around making assumptions about your kind. I take each person at face value. Telling a woman you are interested in, that you find most of the women that look like her, in this city are not intelligent and have an attitude— not the best opening line.


Troika:Hi again,


Thanks for the email.
It seems you have quite a chip on your shoulder. If you read my email, I used the word "lots".(Oh, thanks for clearing that up. Silly me!)If some says that they have lots of money, does that mean that he has all the money that exists in the world and the rest of the world has none. (What in the who what? This guy is a fuckin flaming turd basket!)You seem to have a strange view of the world if that is the way you see the world. (Not wanting is be insulted is a strange view of the world?hmm.)I prefer to be more logical( yeah and I am the fuckin tooth fairy and eat peanut butter).Again, I was making an observation of the women that I have come across on here. In quite a few cases they have a right to have an attitude, sadly there are disproportionally more single mothers of young children, so life is not easy.(Thanks nightline, did you hear about the Easternblocdouche that got a shank in his ribs?)
Have a beautiful night(fuck off)


Rhodesia:HA! I don't have a chip on my shoulder. I am one of the most agreeable people that you will never have the pleasure of meeting. I don't have a strange view of the world. I have been to 28 countries and I am very open-minded person.I think you have hyper-sexualized black women and seek out stereotypical ones so you can feel superior to them. Thank-you for giving me disparaging stats on single mothers. I am not one and I was raised in a two parent home.Can you imagine sending a message to a blonde and saying " I love blondes, but most of you are dumb as fuck?" What do you think her response would be?
I bid you adieu and wish you good luck in your search... who am I kidding, no I don't.




Sorry for the negative posts over the past couple of days. For a long time I have been a person who keeps my thoughts to myself.  In many in situations where I should have spoken up, I remained silent. No more. I think sometimes I had the fear of coming across as the "angry black woman". No more being a fucking martyr! I hold things in— letting it fester until it explodes and people see the angry in me that they never knew existed. A few months ago, I wouldn't have responded to his message or the comment that was left the other day. You may wonder why I give these people the time of day? I'm making up for lost time. Lost insults. Biting my tongue. Swallowing my pride. Ahhhhh. It's kind of refreshing to let er' rip. I will try not to spend anymore time on posts like this. I must be sending out the wrong energy into the universe. Must. Center. Myself. OHM......

This is why I have not been on any dates

bigwad:start pumping you when i pull your wet pantties off
Rhodesia: Excuse me?
bigwad:pull them down slow with my teeth
bigwad:can i be the one to make you wet
bigwad:you look very tasty
bigwad:i will use my tounge

Holy crapshoots. I am running out of patience. I was messaging back and forth with a guy from POF and it seemed somewhat promising. We exchanged numbers. He was a tad stalker-ish. The first day he called 4 times while I was at work!! He called me Saturday night and asked what I was up to. I told him I was out with a friend. He wanted to know what time I would be finished with my friend and if he could come over afterwards. Scusi? Pardon? What kind of putana do you think I am? I told him no and a couple minutes after ending the call I sent him a text saying that we were looking for very different things. I wished him luck and asked him not to contact me again. Someone is going to get a shank in their ribs pretty fuckin soon. Can't deal.

POF

I don't know what is wrong with me. I am not having one of my cyclical mood swings but I am a bit off. I think it's because there were some things that needed to be done and I procrastinated and now I have to wait. So I apologize for the venomous posts that have/may come...


partytimez:I would love to kiss your neck and lay 1000 kisses all over you. I am very attracted to you physically, just wondering if you can stimulate my mind.Its time you get a bubble bath prepared for you, lol! with vanilla scented candles all over and have your favorite blended drink made by my hands.In the morning you should have breadfast in bed baby, can you handle me? Are you ready for love?
Am new here from St. Lucia lets talk babesz.


Interesting...and where pray tell would those 1000 kisses be allocated?  Would they be dispersed or focused on the nether region? I have a sneaking suspicion that it wouldn't take much to stimulate his mind. Bubble bath?? All you have to do is put some fuckin' bubbles and run the water. What is so special about that? Also, I don't take bubble baths because I feel like I am stewing in a brine of my own filth. I don't like vanilla scented candles. I don't do blended drinks, that's for putanas. I just drink vodka(I KID). I think "made by his hands" means: A) he's going to jerk off into my drink and tell me there is a special ingredient he put in just for me. B) he's going to put a roofie in my drink.


He assumes that if any of this were to go down(which it wouldn't) that he would still be there in the morning. Can I handle him? Am I ready for love? No and no.

POF

You may think I am making these up. I assure you, I am not. These are the kind of men that message me. It's indicative of the kind of men that approach me in real life. Why do the attractive ones keep their distance?  It comes in waves, these messages. At certain times there is a lull and then all of a sudden there is a school of wanton fish swimming in my inbox. People, I am totally willing to be set up on date because if I must rely on plenty of fish to find 28 more dates, I am up shit's creek.

revton:i talk to u today at the dollar store,just write me
Impossible. I was not in the dollar store today and if I was I wouldn't waste my time engaging in mind-numbing conversation with a peasant like you. I KID!

Hindi79:Hello there,
Would u like to have an oral submissive guy over tonight and give u an erotic massage followed by oral sex?
27 M here...wants NOTHING in return....just wanna please my taste buds....totally sane here...d/d free...discreet..Hope to hear from u.
WOULD I? WOULD I? Maybe one day when all hope is gone(that day may come very soon) and I can put a paper bag over his head (with holes in appropriate places) I would consider it. I mean, isn't this what guys go to rub-n-tugs for? An erotic massage and an oral release? And I am getting offered this for free? I would be an idiot to turn it down...Not that desperate yet! People don't do anything without wanting something in return. You cannot be sane if you are messaging a girl you don't know, offering to perform cunnilingus. Where do these dudes come from? Seriously.

Special

You may ask yourself why I even entertained this conversation. I think I was bored and really curious to see where he would take it. Also, I made a pledge that I would reply(atleast once) to every guy that wrote to me on POF. This is what it got me:

killerfish: Can I ask you a question?
me: What?
killerfish:would u let a guy to kiss ur high heels?
me:WHAT? WHAT? Lick my heels maybe.
killerfish:would u give me a chance? i would even kiss ur tushy if u like
me:Are you for real?
killerfish:can we chat on msn ?? id love to try that yes
me:Don't have MSN
killerfish:would u meet up with me..coffee?? what is there to lose?
me:My dignity. I don't wear heels often. What about some combat boots? Would you lick those?
killerfish:if ther hot...i would...do i get to lick the tushy too?
me:You are ****ing with me! Seriously? By lick the tushy what do you mean?
killerfish: i would lick ur ass...im serious
me:How do you know I don't have a stank ass? You shouldn't make promises like that. I still think you are a fraud and one of my friends put you up to this.
killerfish:what do i have to do to show u that ur wrong.....u dont even look like u have stanky ass. meet me for coffe tonight and put on some sexy heels

No I did not meet him. I was working and I wanted to hold on to what little dignity I have left. A part of me wanted to shard my pants and then tell him to get to work.

POF

More Plenty of Fish messages. If this is the pool of guys I have to choose from to go on 30 dates with, I am in trouble.

Rocknroll:There are two things that give away the type of person you are...would you like to know what they are?
Oh my good gracious! Please tell me! I really need an anonymous man from plenty of fish to validate me as a person. Arrogant fuck. This is the kind of man that would order wine, a main and dessert for you without letting you get a word in edgewise. He would talk about himself,his accomplishments and conquests all night. I still messaged him to find out what those two things are. I have a feeling it may make me laugh or start a verbal war.

killerfish: Can I ask you a question?
me: What?
killerfish:would u let a guy to kiss ur high heels?
me:WHAT? WHAT? Lick my heels maybe.
killerfish:would u give me a chance?
So tempting... A chance to emasculate a man, a dream of mine since childhood. I want to get a pair of clear lucite putana heels, go stomping around in a pig sty and then make this dumb fuck lick my heel.

dudert: What is your opinion on white boys?
I like them skinny, minimal body hair, good looking in the face, quick-witted yet subservient. I KID! I like all kinds of boys, as long as they fit that description.

Douche-baggery

This lovely message was in my Plenty of fish inbox this morning. If he was remotely attractive, I would consider looking past his condescending tone so I could meet him and suffocate him by sitting on his face. Instead he'll have to suffer in silence, never knowing whether I found him unattractive or a general douchebag.

st78e:Hi, for having only completed some college you have used some big time words.. if you were to ever give up being a make up artist and to go back to school,, I'm sure you can go all the way!

I don't appreciate back handed compliments. For someone with a masters degree, you would think he would be a bit more eloquent in his speech. I think this message annoyed me more than any other. It reeks of arrogance and an innate sense of superiority over those less educated. I may not have gone to university, but that does not mean I am an idiot. I have never been scholastically inclined, but I try to educate myself through travel, reading and keeping abreast on issues. Perhaps it bothered me because I know I am capable of much more; It's not the place of a stranger-someone interested in me, to tell me that I am inadequate as I am.

A friend was kind enough to leave a note on my car

King of the D-bags

I have never felt to urge to take a shard on someone's face...until this very moment

I christen thee "King of Douche-Baggery"

A first

Another example of the light and grace that POF brings into my life. I consider myself an open minded person. I try not be judgemental of others life-style choices... This is where I draw the line.

VINNY: hi was up ive not have a hot black lady love to have you you into it
I was a little confused, not only by the rudimentary English skills but also because his dreadful profile picture had an equally unattractive woman with him. I clicked on the profile, not out of interest but sheer curiousity. I nearly hurled when I read this :
im 31 she 26 looking 4 fun a lady or a couple im 5ft5 she 5ft3 both looking 4 a 3some or 4some her BOOBs are 38dd like to no more like to talk get back to me and herblack lady love to have you you into it
This is not how I imagined my first offer for a threesome would come to me. I envisioned an attractive, intelligent couple with sculpted bodies and fit minds wanting to spice up their love life with a little Chocolate Thunder. I did not envision people who look like school bus drivers and their main dietary staples are Kraft dinner and Maple Lodge deli meat.

I thought I had it bad

These gems are from my friend Sahara's POF account. She is no longer taking her account seriously either. Entertainment and material for this blog are unfortunatley the only reasons we are maintaining the accounts.  "Sahara" is a stunning girl and I thought she would perhaps have a better pool of men to chose from. WRONG! A new day has dawned- One where douches reign supreme, common sense, chivalry and decency are morte. ' Tis a sad day...

Sexy_x: ur fkin sexy
I think the end of civilization is near when a man trying to mate with a nubile young woman cannot take the time to spell out an expletive.

KEVSTER: Sup??.....
Hmmmm....Truly puzzled. This is beyond laziness. Are you fed through a feeding tube because you can't be bothered to chew? Do you take a shard in a bed pan because you cannot be bothered to get up while watching a game? Do you use a motorized scooter when you are perfectly capable of walking? NO. Then why the f$@k would you message an attractive young woman and say "sup"? This means you were entirely too busy to write 'what's up?' Which still means you have nothing of substance to say. Sup...I'll tell you sup....

Energ: Sup purtty lady?
Really? Perhaps he is related to Cletus the slaw jawed yokel.

Look4youngluv: Are you opent to exploring a relationship with a married man.
"Sahara" is not a whore. She is a woman of virtue and would never get involved with a married man. If she chose to, she would certainly pick a man who could spell. There was no picture attached. I am guessing he is in his mid-forties to early fifties, slightly pudgy, watches porn every chance he gets, hasn't slept with his wife in 3 years, has hair growing out of every orifice and his children hate him.  Men like this should stick to Ashley Madison and relieve themselves at rub-n-tugs and leave the rest of us alone.

Yiayou: How are you? Do black girls like Greek guys?
Malaka. That depends. Do I get tzatziki on the side? How hairy are you? Do I have to listen to Greek music? Will I get to eat saganaki everyday? Will your yaya think I am a Turk and try and stab me in the eye?

Andersin: I"D LUV TO PUT SOMETHING ON YOUR FACE ALRITE
WHOA!  WHOA! My initial reaction was to laugh (only because it didn't happen to me) then the severity of the message settled in.What a misogynist douche! Why would anyone think this was appropiate to send to a woman? Men like this, are the reason I carry pepper spray, pocket knife and a sharpened pencil with me when I travel.

Douche-baggery

For your enjoyment, I have enclosed some new POF messages. I am almost certain I don't want to keep this account-I am not taking it seriously at all. I check it less often and when I do, it's like lifting the toilet seat only to find someone left their big turd floating in the bowl.

What I am really looking for is someone to sing Bobby Brown's "Tenderoni" to me, while staring into my eyes longingly, rubbing oil on my cankle with one hand and feeding me a pork sandwich with the other.

Pablito23:Just looking for a "fun friend" would you be interested in that type of friend. I will be fun for the both of us.
I am starting to question if I look like a putana. Would I be interested in a "fun friend"?? So you're asking me if I would be interested in sleeping with a 5'6  Vatos locos looking MOTHER F$@CKER, with a member that is probably the size of a Vienna sausage. No gracias.                    

yours77:sundays are my favorit day of the week
and it would be nice to spend it with someone
as beautiful as you
Sunday was my favorit day of the week until you went and shat on it. He looks like the kind of guy who's perfect Sunday would include playing PS3 all day while I iron his shirts,make him a sandwich and have sex with him while still playing PS3. Not in this life douche!

mandem:Hey Sweetie , How does abrotha like me , try to get to know you better
By not creating words like "abrotha" and not having a Zoot suit as an integral part of your wardrobe.

zani:Hi,Great pic, u hot.Dinner?
Ch33rs,
This message was written by a 42 year old caucasian man. I feel like this message was written by tarzan "Jane me hungry".  Either English isn't his first language or he didn't find it necessary to take the time to scribe the few extra words it would have taken to make reading this message tolerable. Would dinner involve him killing a possum with a rock or his bare hands?

busyness:i like your say in profile..you certainly sound very smart and you look very beautiful.
let me introduce myself please
my name is DOUCHE. I live and work in downtown Toronto.
Currently i am buidling my own business in canada.
I am looking for smrat and good people to work with me and explore the opportunites my business can offer.If you are looking for business opportunity, please let me know. we maybe business partensr soon
You're either running some kind of pyramid scheme or you want to be my pimp. Not interested.

How do I know if I am a douche or a putana?

You are wondering where the other half of my list is? I am still suffering from PMS, so I will not share it until I am ready. The good thing about a dictatorship is that I can do whatever I want, govern this blog as I see fit. If you find this blog and any of it's content objectionable, I suggest you beat it.....(insert eastern bloc accent) I JOKE, I KID...Please don't leave me.

As you know, two of my favourite words are douche and putana. Some of you are wondering if you are a douche or putana. If you have to question yourself or there is any inkling of doubt,  let's err on the side of caution and say yes. Douches and putana's are not confined to a certain geographical region, race or religion. They belong to everyone.

I AM A DOUCHE IF...........

• you have an abnormal amount of hair products and your hair feels like it's sculpted from the dolomites, you have an S curl(please google if unfamiliar), jheri curl, faux-hawk, bro-hawk, mullet, rat-tail, jewfro, white guy with cornrows, any guy with cornrows, highlights or your hair looks like you could have been a member of white snake or poison
• your facial hair looks like it was sculpted by a laser
• you wear a beaded necklace.   
• your shirt is unbuttoned more than 2 buttons and tufts of hair, a gold chain or beaded necklace hang out
• wearing a t-shirt so tight, it looks like it belongs to your little sister or on the opposite end of the spectrum one that looks like the nightshirt I bought from walmart the other day
• you refer to women as mami, shawty, habibi, babe, babycakes, sweetness or hottie
• you wear Ed Hardy ANYTHING
• you have a grill, gold teeth or a diamond on your tooth(seems to be more popular in Europe)
• you smell of weed, burned through your nasal cavity because of cocaine use or still pretend that you are a raver and do E
• your pants are so tight I can see your man bulge and I wasn't even asked if I wanted to see it. How rude!
• you pour champagne on girls
• you get bottle service everytime you go out and you really can't afford it
• you buy me a drink and expect me to hang out with you for more than 5 minutes
• you go tanning
• you display symptoms of roid rage
• your neck is as thick as a tree trunk and your biceps look like they are giving birth to twins
• you don't date women your age because you know they will call you on your shit and won't put up with shit
• you are willing to spend more money on rims than child support
• you have rims that spin
• you listen to Euro and freestyle
• the bass in your car is so loud I can feel it vibrating in my car. Thank-you.
• women frequently call you a DOUCHE    

I AM A PUTANA IF...........

• you have a perennial tan, have a membership to a tanning salon, smell like tanning oil or self tanner on a daily basis
• your skin looks like leather cow hide from excessive tanning
• you wear lipstick or lipgloss that looks like someone jizzed on your mouth
• you have to replenish your eyeliner every 3 weeks
• you wear foundation that is 3 or more shades darker than your complexion
• you are a brown or black girl and you wear foundation that looks like a ghost jizzed on your face.
• bronzer is your best friend and lover
• you wear different colour weaves to match your outfits
• you use "the bump" in your hair or tease it to attain heights never seen before
• you have an acrylic french manicure
• you own one or several pairs of shoes with clear lucite heels
• your favourite stores are Guess, Marciano or Bebe
• you love animal print more than life itself
• you frequently wear something that was meant to be a top, as a dress
• you wear one of these top/dresses in the winter with no panty-hose or tights, open toed heels and no jacket because you want all the douches to see you in your full glory walking into the club and you always get in quickly because you "know" all the bouncers
• you say your body is a temple and critize people for eating a burger when you smoke a pack a day, go tanning, eat tv dinners and drink excessivily
• you have eyelash extensions that look like spiders have nested on your eyes
• you wear a lace front weave and I can see the lace on your forehead
• you look in every mirror or shiny surface you walk by and do your best porn face
• you don't see anything wrong with displaying your camel toe 
• you chew gum loudly and stroke your hair at the same time
• you take pride in knowing all the latest bashment moves and you post a video of yourself  and some guy dry humping you on you tube