I thought I had it bad

These gems are from my friend Sahara's POF account. She is no longer taking her account seriously either. Entertainment and material for this blog are unfortunatley the only reasons we are maintaining the accounts.  "Sahara" is a stunning girl and I thought she would perhaps have a better pool of men to chose from. WRONG! A new day has dawned- One where douches reign supreme, common sense, chivalry and decency are morte. ' Tis a sad day...

Sexy_x: ur fkin sexy
I think the end of civilization is near when a man trying to mate with a nubile young woman cannot take the time to spell out an expletive.

KEVSTER: Sup??.....
Hmmmm....Truly puzzled. This is beyond laziness. Are you fed through a feeding tube because you can't be bothered to chew? Do you take a shard in a bed pan because you cannot be bothered to get up while watching a game? Do you use a motorized scooter when you are perfectly capable of walking? NO. Then why the f$@k would you message an attractive young woman and say "sup"? This means you were entirely too busy to write 'what's up?' Which still means you have nothing of substance to say. Sup...I'll tell you sup....

Energ: Sup purtty lady?
Really? Perhaps he is related to Cletus the slaw jawed yokel.

Look4youngluv: Are you opent to exploring a relationship with a married man.
"Sahara" is not a whore. She is a woman of virtue and would never get involved with a married man. If she chose to, she would certainly pick a man who could spell. There was no picture attached. I am guessing he is in his mid-forties to early fifties, slightly pudgy, watches porn every chance he gets, hasn't slept with his wife in 3 years, has hair growing out of every orifice and his children hate him.  Men like this should stick to Ashley Madison and relieve themselves at rub-n-tugs and leave the rest of us alone.

Yiayou: How are you? Do black girls like Greek guys?
Malaka. That depends. Do I get tzatziki on the side? How hairy are you? Do I have to listen to Greek music? Will I get to eat saganaki everyday? Will your yaya think I am a Turk and try and stab me in the eye?

Andersin: I"D LUV TO PUT SOMETHING ON YOUR FACE ALRITE
WHOA!  WHOA! My initial reaction was to laugh (only because it didn't happen to me) then the severity of the message settled in.What a misogynist douche! Why would anyone think this was appropiate to send to a woman? Men like this, are the reason I carry pepper spray, pocket knife and a sharpened pencil with me when I travel.

9 followers

It seems like many of you enjoy reading my blog in secret. You like creeping on it, enjoying my irreverant sense of humour and such, but I have 9 followers. I thank my 9 loyal subjects and I chastise the creepers. I know you're reading because I have 410 profile views... I started this blog because I thought it would bring me tons of adulating fans grovelling at my feet, praising my brilliance and offering me cheese or sausages filled with cheese (have you tried one? the cheese explodes in your mouth when you bite into it). Anywhoo, become a follower or I'm going to shut this shit show down!

Douche-baggery

For your enjoyment, I have enclosed some new POF messages. I am almost certain I don't want to keep this account-I am not taking it seriously at all. I check it less often and when I do, it's like lifting the toilet seat only to find someone left their big turd floating in the bowl.

What I am really looking for is someone to sing Bobby Brown's "Tenderoni" to me, while staring into my eyes longingly, rubbing oil on my cankle with one hand and feeding me a pork sandwich with the other.

Pablito23:Just looking for a "fun friend" would you be interested in that type of friend. I will be fun for the both of us.
I am starting to question if I look like a putana. Would I be interested in a "fun friend"?? So you're asking me if I would be interested in sleeping with a 5'6  Vatos locos looking MOTHER F$@CKER, with a member that is probably the size of a Vienna sausage. No gracias.                    

yours77:sundays are my favorit day of the week
and it would be nice to spend it with someone
as beautiful as you
Sunday was my favorit day of the week until you went and shat on it. He looks like the kind of guy who's perfect Sunday would include playing PS3 all day while I iron his shirts,make him a sandwich and have sex with him while still playing PS3. Not in this life douche!

mandem:Hey Sweetie , How does abrotha like me , try to get to know you better
By not creating words like "abrotha" and not having a Zoot suit as an integral part of your wardrobe.

zani:Hi,Great pic, u hot.Dinner?
Ch33rs,
This message was written by a 42 year old caucasian man. I feel like this message was written by tarzan "Jane me hungry".  Either English isn't his first language or he didn't find it necessary to take the time to scribe the few extra words it would have taken to make reading this message tolerable. Would dinner involve him killing a possum with a rock or his bare hands?

busyness:i like your say in profile..you certainly sound very smart and you look very beautiful.
let me introduce myself please
my name is DOUCHE. I live and work in downtown Toronto.
Currently i am buidling my own business in canada.
I am looking for smrat and good people to work with me and explore the opportunites my business can offer.If you are looking for business opportunity, please let me know. we maybe business partensr soon
You're either running some kind of pyramid scheme or you want to be my pimp. Not interested.

VERITAS

The Jehovah's witnesses used to make frequent stops to my house over the years. From the age of 16, I  let it be known that I am an atheist and cannot be swayed. That only made them more resolute and focused on saving me. One day I answered the door and this young fresh-faced girl started her preaching. I stopped her mid-rant, stared at her intently and said " It's too late. I have started practicing the dark arts. You must leave now." I have never seen a look of innocence vanish so quickly. They never came back.

VERITAS

I once told people that I broke the veneer on my front tooth biting into an apple. I lied. I was home alone on a Friday night biting into a piece of Popeye's fried chicken.

ZIE LIST cont'd

16. GO TO INDIA
It just calls my name(with a bhangra beat in the background). Mumbai, Dehli, Agra, Jaipur, Jodpur, Goa and maybe go trekking in Nepal (who am I kidding, I don't even go hiking). If anyone has any hook-ups for India or is willing to pay for my ticket HOLLA!

17.SKY DIVE OR BUNGEE JUMP
Just thinking about it makes me shard my pants. I am not extremely afraid of heights- I would say it's a moderate fear. If there is a barrier of some kind, the fear subsides. I stood at the edge of a gorge in South Africa (no barrier) for just a few seconds. Beads of sweat formed on my forehead, I envisioned myself tumbling to my death and my parents having a service with no body( I know I'm an idiot). Another moment I am proud of is riding an elephant a few weeks after falling off a horse. I think integral part of this journey is  to push myself far beyond what I deem comfortable.

19.GO SAILING
I envision myself in early 90's Jean Paul Gaultier nautical attire, Hermes scarf tied gracefully around my head, drinking a mimosa at 10am. I have been on a yatch and cruise ship(barf) but I want a true sailing experience. I already know some saling terms: forward, aft, bow, stern, hull, buoy, port and starboard and ahoy!!!!! I am willing to work for food and champagne. I promise I will only vomit once over the port side of the ship. If you have a sailboat and would like to extend an invitation, I accept.

20.RIDE ON THE BACK OF A MOTORCYCLE or a vespa will do
That's all.

21. IMPROVE RELATIONS WITH THE ANIMAL KINGDOM
Since chilhood, my relationship with animals has been...hostile. They don't like me, I don't like them. I have been tormented by dogs, thrown off a horse, cats glare at me, a bird flew into my head, a chimp threw a log towards me and an evil peacock stalked me. At the lodge I stayed at in South Africa I was informed that there were monkeys on the premises. I never saw them--I would hear them singing in the trees above me everytime I went for my afternoon stroll. I was convinced they were plotting a guerilla style ambush in their secret monkey language. I thwarted their efforts by changing my routine. Maybe next time monkeys!!!!!  I promise to make a valiant effort in improving interspecies relations (not in that way you freaks!).

22.STOP USING CHEMICAL RELAXER
I have been chemically straightening my hair since the age of 12. Slathering sodium hydroxide on my head every 8 weeks for more than 15 years. Many times I would do it myself because I was too cheap to go to the hairdresser. Many times I would not wear gloves and keep it on past the recommended amount of time. I would end up with scalp burns, but my hair was straight! No more creamy crack!

23.PERFECT THE ART OF MAKING ROTI
I am of West Indian origin. My mother makes amazing roti. She has tried to teach me her ways several times.... I learn slowly. She gets frustrated with my snail pace and kicks me out of the kitchen. I am determined to be a roti master!!!!

24.GO HIKING OR CAMPING
I am not going to do both. I don't really have an interest in either one but I need to expand my horizons.

25.BE MORE SOCIAL
I tend to be a hermit. I need to be more social. I have amazing (and good looking!) friends, but I have always been a lone ranger. I am not outgoing in social situations. Sometimes I'll stand in the corner and talk to my glass of wine. When travelling, this is not a problem for me. Many times I have travelled on my own and it's a necessity to meet new people and make fast friends. I am not one to change friends like I do underwear. I chose the people in my life wisely (most of the time) and value their friendship. Once you break my fortress of reclusivity, it's a golden place to be and you'll never want to leave......

26.JOIN A MAS CAMP WITH MY FRIENDS FOR CARIBANA 2010
This will require a wearing an skimpy, shiny outfit and gyrating along a parade for hours in the heat. I have no problem with the gyrating part-- it's the barely there outfit that makes me nervous. I said I would do it......so ....yeah.

27.LEARN TO MEDITATE
Several attempts have been made, with no success. I have the attention span of a squirrel. I close my eyes and try to clear my head-- instead I think of croissants, how uncomfortable the lotus position is, how long do I have to do this crap and if I fart does that mean I am not really focused. I will try harder. Maybe take a meditation class. Maybe.

28.KARAOKE
I despise it with every fibre of my being. I think it is pointless and when I see people doing it I want to take a bow and arrow and pierce it through their heart so they'll stop singing. In the interest of trying new things, I shall participate in this dreadful pastime.

29.STOP THE ROAD RAGE
Since I had a car accident a few years ago, I have developed some serious road rage.When people do things like don't signal, swerve into your lane, cut you off an then proceed to drive slowly in front of you- I can't handle it. After driving with people who suffer from more severe road rage than I-I realized that we look crazy! I will no longer flip people off, curse of try and follow the offender. Instead of yelling "MOTHER F*@CKETY  F*@K  FACE" I will say " Oh, I forgive your error in judgement, have a blessed day".

30. RIDE A BIKE
Very few people know this highly guarded secret... I have never sat on a bike in my life. As a child I had Polio and Scurvy..... No I didn't. As a child I had more interesting things to do like kill lizards, suffocate catepillars in jars and play with my imaginary friends. The older I got the more embarassing it became. I would say I prefer to walk or I couldn't afford a bike (when my brother had one). Do they have adult tricycles? It's out. Let the torment begin. I dare you to make fun of me to my face. I will pop you.

How do I know if I am a douche or a putana?

You are wondering where the other half of my list is? I am still suffering from PMS, so I will not share it until I am ready. The good thing about a dictatorship is that I can do whatever I want, govern this blog as I see fit. If you find this blog and any of it's content objectionable, I suggest you beat it.....(insert eastern bloc accent) I JOKE, I KID...Please don't leave me.

As you know, two of my favourite words are douche and putana. Some of you are wondering if you are a douche or putana. If you have to question yourself or there is any inkling of doubt,  let's err on the side of caution and say yes. Douches and putana's are not confined to a certain geographical region, race or religion. They belong to everyone.

I AM A DOUCHE IF...........

• you have an abnormal amount of hair products and your hair feels like it's sculpted from the dolomites, you have an S curl(please google if unfamiliar), jheri curl, faux-hawk, bro-hawk, mullet, rat-tail, jewfro, white guy with cornrows, any guy with cornrows, highlights or your hair looks like you could have been a member of white snake or poison
• your facial hair looks like it was sculpted by a laser
• you wear a beaded necklace.   
• your shirt is unbuttoned more than 2 buttons and tufts of hair, a gold chain or beaded necklace hang out
• wearing a t-shirt so tight, it looks like it belongs to your little sister or on the opposite end of the spectrum one that looks like the nightshirt I bought from walmart the other day
• you refer to women as mami, shawty, habibi, babe, babycakes, sweetness or hottie
• you wear Ed Hardy ANYTHING
• you have a grill, gold teeth or a diamond on your tooth(seems to be more popular in Europe)
• you smell of weed, burned through your nasal cavity because of cocaine use or still pretend that you are a raver and do E
• your pants are so tight I can see your man bulge and I wasn't even asked if I wanted to see it. How rude!
• you pour champagne on girls
• you get bottle service everytime you go out and you really can't afford it
• you buy me a drink and expect me to hang out with you for more than 5 minutes
• you go tanning
• you display symptoms of roid rage
• your neck is as thick as a tree trunk and your biceps look like they are giving birth to twins
• you don't date women your age because you know they will call you on your shit and won't put up with shit
• you are willing to spend more money on rims than child support
• you have rims that spin
• you listen to Euro and freestyle
• the bass in your car is so loud I can feel it vibrating in my car. Thank-you.
• women frequently call you a DOUCHE    

I AM A PUTANA IF...........

• you have a perennial tan, have a membership to a tanning salon, smell like tanning oil or self tanner on a daily basis
• your skin looks like leather cow hide from excessive tanning
• you wear lipstick or lipgloss that looks like someone jizzed on your mouth
• you have to replenish your eyeliner every 3 weeks
• you wear foundation that is 3 or more shades darker than your complexion
• you are a brown or black girl and you wear foundation that looks like a ghost jizzed on your face.
• bronzer is your best friend and lover
• you wear different colour weaves to match your outfits
• you use "the bump" in your hair or tease it to attain heights never seen before
• you have an acrylic french manicure
• you own one or several pairs of shoes with clear lucite heels
• your favourite stores are Guess, Marciano or Bebe
• you love animal print more than life itself
• you frequently wear something that was meant to be a top, as a dress
• you wear one of these top/dresses in the winter with no panty-hose or tights, open toed heels and no jacket because you want all the douches to see you in your full glory walking into the club and you always get in quickly because you "know" all the bouncers
• you say your body is a temple and critize people for eating a burger when you smoke a pack a day, go tanning, eat tv dinners and drink excessivily
• you have eyelash extensions that look like spiders have nested on your eyes
• you wear a lace front weave and I can see the lace on your forehead
• you look in every mirror or shiny surface you walk by and do your best porn face
• you don't see anything wrong with displaying your camel toe 
• you chew gum loudly and stroke your hair at the same time
• you take pride in knowing all the latest bashment moves and you post a video of yourself  and some guy dry humping you on you tube