Something doesn't compute

I have 1500 profile views and 182 fans. I know I keep bitching about this(and when I do I get more fans). I am not going to beg. Instead I will offer you an invaluable prize.

Do you remember my magical flute? Well, I have become truly amazing at playing it (ask my friends). The person who gets me the most fans will win a 5 minute CD of Penis flute recordings.

When I play my songs for people they are truly impressed by my musicailty— especially when I tell them, I have no prior training. Get me fans and you will be privy to a whole new world of music.

12 week weigh-in

Tonight marked 12 weeks at Booty Camp fitness. I joined to lose weight and increase my cardiovascular endurance. My cardio has vastly improved—the weight has been a bit of a struggle for me(as always). I have been exercising but my diet has not been the cleanest. I should examine why I self-sabotage. Anywhoo, here are my stats:

Arms: -1
Chest: -4.2
Waist: -3.5
Hips: -3.1
Butt: -3.5
Upper thigh(L): -3.9
Upper thigh(R): -3.0

That is a total of 22.2 inches! I could have and should have worked harder but I am happy with the progress. Slow and steady...I always looked forward to sweating it out with Lisa at boot camp twice a week and I will not disappoint her or you guys (for those who care).

Also, I promised a reader/friend that I would no longer refer to myself as a "fatty" or "gordita". I meant no harm to others by using these terms. My sense of humour tends to be self-deprecating at times. This isn't necessarily how I view myself . Sometimes I just get frustrated and it's easier to make light of the situation. I will now use the terms "Rubenesque" or "zaftig" when referring to my girth.

Only a few more days until I prance around the streets of Toronto half-naked

Dear lord. Its becoming real. No backing out now. I picked up my costume last night, looked at the bra and thought " this looks f**kin massive. Like two small children could so swimming in here". It sunk in that my breasts are that large. I went back to my friends place and we tried them on(pranced around and gyrated in them). She looked fantastic! I looked... I need to make some adjustments to the bra(needs more lift) and I may get slightly longer shorts.

We had a debate whether we should where skin tone panty-hose with our costumes. Months ago she was adamant about wearing them and I convinced her they look wack. I figure, if I am going to be half-naked, I may as well let it all hang out instead of trying to disguise it in flesh tone stockings. After discussing it with a parade veteran, she told me tights were needed if you have substantial thighs because at the end of the day there will be enough chaffing to start a forest fire. What to do? Should I wear tights when I hate the look of them? Or should let it all hang out and deal with the fire between my thighs?

Archery lesson # 2

I would say my skills have improved. My first attempt at the target, I missed 3 out of six arrows. My second attempt, I got 2 arrows in the bull's eye and the rest in close quarters. By the end of the class my index, middle and ring fingers were as raw as a baboon's ass. Also, the bowstring kept snapping against the inside of my left arm—leaving me with an apricot sized bruise. I asked the instructor what I should do because I had the right posture. He said "some people just have bigger arms than others. You're going to need an arm guard". Thanks for letting me know I have meaty arms. I think I am going to have to make a trip to one of those nerd stores and get an arm guard. My delicate, virginal skin cannot handle such abuse. It's tough slaying orcs in middle earth, but someones gotta do it...

Love?

You may be wondering why at almost 30 years old, I have never been in love? I don't have a simple answer. I am not a simple girl. I'm quite odd and I am very selective with whom I share my neuroses. I have never really gotten along with men. Throughout school, the majority of my tormentors were males; I have only been in physical fights with males(I gave a couple boys a good thrashing). My closest friends have always been women or gay men. I have an innate distrust of most men.

How do I change this? I need some friendship balls in my life. I'm on the hunt for a male friend. Someone who I don't want to kick in the nut sack or put anti-freeze in their drink or squeeze their nipples until they bleed. What is the antonym of misogyny? Ah, found it! Misandry.

#23 become a roti master

I won't cross it off because it was my first real lesson.When I can make them unaided, then I will say that I am a roti master. My mother was kind enough give me a lesson. She tends to be secretive about her skills. She tried to teach me once a long time ago and got a little frustrated with my snail pace. What can I say? I'm a little thick and it takes me a while to grasp certain things. I was going to share the recipe with you but she put the kibosh on that. During the lesson a tried to take notes but she told me to stop wasting her blasted time and to get the show on the road. HAHA! I think I did pretty good....

11 days until humiliation

Caribana is rapidly approaching. I am digesting the fact that I will not be skinny in 11 days and I just have to embrace my rotundness. I have been walking around my house in a bra and boy shorts and dancing to this. The costume doesn't arrive until the day before. What if it doesn't fit? I am working on two different make-up looks. I'm considering doing a mask or Vegas show girl make-up...Whichever one makes me less recognizable. Is it wrong to wish that my camp will be full of fatties that are fatter than I am so I will look like this skinny one??

ZIE LIST #12

TRY ARCHERY

So I started my archery class last Thursday. It was as if I were born with a bow and arrow in my hand....not really. It wasn't as easy as it looks, but I have 6 more classes to improve. You may ask why I wanted to take something as useless as archery. I think it will come in handy one day...perhaps on one of my jaunts to Middle earth or Narnia. Fencing is next EN GARDE!

Ignore the men playing basketball in the background, my unkempt hair and meaty arm. Also ignore the fact that there is no arrow. I was not allowed to have the arrow in while others were in my sight.

I think I may have found my soulmate

I just discovered this blog and have spent a couple hours(when I should have been sleeping) reading it. I nearly wet my pants. He's even funnier than I am(which is a rarity). I think I love you...
http://plentymorefishoutofwater.blogspot.com/

A letter from a friend

Hello my lovely Rhodesia...

I miss you dearly and every time I have something worth while to share with you I have to write it more that say it..

SO I read your post re: your measurements and I think you HAVE made progress! I'm proud of you for that.. I know how tough it can be. I know when I put my mind to it an really concentrate I get into shape in NO time! Then I get lazy because I see results and/or something happens that throws me off track.
However, this is your goal and this is your life. You have the force to do something about your situation. I can only give you advice but in the end it's ourselves that make a difference. SO with that said I have a book and some suggestions to give you that you must take into consideration if you want to make changes...

THE BOOK: DR. Joshi's Holistic Detox Diet.. I swear by that book dude. I found it at Chapters for about $15 and it has solid advice and it's a great start to kicking off the pounds. Last summer I did it for a month it was tough the first week and you HAVE to say NO to some dinners out and really stay focused.. I lost 5-6 kilos... I would of lost more if I was busting ass at the gym also.. LEMON WATER is your best friend: Get organic lemons, wash the outsides and cut them up into wedges.. Shove them wedges into a 1.5 litre water bottle and such that mother like it's your job! All damn day.. If flushes your blood, cleans your liver and brightens your skin (among other wonderful benefits)..

TEAS: Green/ Tisane and Neetle wood (I believe it's called) The Neetle wood tea breaks down fat deposits and flushes out toxins.. I read the book "You are what you eat" by Dr. Gillian McKeith

http://www.gillianmckeith.info/gillianmckeithbooks/books-yawye.php

Great book! So good I bought it 3 times as gifts... My hairdresser now has it and I'm gonna roll her for it, chick has had it for friggen 2 years! Come on!

Ok and also your fixation with bacon (meateaterism- yes it's a new word just pulled it outta my ass ) is doing you more harm than good... Every time you bust your ass at boot camp, think of the reverse effects you are causing while putting it all back.. SALT and FAT is all that is really.. Back to square one really.. We all indulge, god knows I do it to as long as you acknowledge the fact that your fucking yourself directly.. I stopped eating red meat/ pork years ago(BOO!!!!) and dropped 15 pounds when I did magically.. I'm not saying to stop BUT realize that it's hindering your hard work..

Sardines, maybe you scoff at them as peasant food but amazing properties lie in those little fish.
Mash them up with lentils, chickpeas, olive oil with lemon juice and magic!
Tuna, yummy but a no no.. Too many toxins absorbed by them and then passed to you.
Salmon, yummy time, steamed with veggies and sexiness..

 I could write for hours on this topic... Dude just move your ass to Chapters and Get Dr Joshi's book and start yourself off right!! I wanted to mail you my copy but it will take to long.. Italian customs my take it for terrorist information!! "WHAT no prosciutto???!?!? Che CAZZO!, put that shit book in the garbage!"


Love you girl and want the best for you always!!!! PS: Where is my package? I keep rolling up on my doorman for it..
Baci Stephanie


You Are What You Eat - Gillian McKeith
http://www.gillianmckeith.info/

Thanks Step! Detox here I come. Be prepared for some angry posts people.

#11 Forgive and speak up

I have always been a person who hates confrontation and try to avoid it whenever possible. Many times this had led to me ingesting my anger about a situation. Sometimes, I was glad I held my tongue because if I spoke or acted impulsively the consequences could have been dire. On the other hand, many times I held my tongue and have regretted not being more assertive. Lately, I have been speaking up for myself and dealing with whatever consequences come my way. It's not easy, but it must be done. I am working on the forgiveness aspect, but the speaking up part...I'm good.

POF

This message was sent to my friend "Zahara's" plenty of fish account. She told me about it, so I logged into her account, sent him my thoughts and then blocked him. Sorry Zahara...they may delete your account.

wanker5:Hello There: Quick personality poll:
1)Red or white?
2)Italian or French food?
3)Movie or picnic?
4)Campfire or hotel?
5)Spit or swallow?

Rhodesia(posing as Zahara):
1)Which one is more flammable?
2)Whichever one would more easily disguise the arsenic that I would lace your food with.
3)Picnic in a secluded area.
4)So I could roast you on that campfire
5)Then I would spit on your charred corpse.
 
Go F**k yourself you misogynist douche!
 
 
Sorry. It was just one of those days. Sometimes it ain't pretty.

TransAtlantic dating post #2

Stephanie is busy translating some of her other online dating messages from Italian to English. I keep telling her to start a blog because her dating stories are far more entertaining than mine. Here is a message she was sent from an on-line dating site. We have a similar sense of humour.

Cazzo:Hi Pinnos! You are gorgeous!! I would marry you right away and with you make many babies coloured caffé latte... :-)"

Stephanie:Listen buddy, who still lives at home with your parents, my vagina is not an espresso machine and your penis doesn't shoot out coffee beans..

I'm still a Gordita

Last Wednesday was my 2nd weigh in at boot camp and I am still a fat ass. I have no one to blame but myself. My weight was exactly the same. The measurements were ok. I'll be honest...I have been weak. Sometimes food bellows my name and I give in. My resolve needs to be unshakable. I have less that 4 weeks until I put on that blasted costume. Why do I do this to myself? Here are my measurements.

Upper Arms: -0.7
Chest:-.07
Waist:+0.5(WHY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!)
Hips: -2
Buttocks:-2
Upper Thighs:-2.3

It's been 8 weeks and I've lost a total of 16.6 inches, but I need to fix my diet or I'm not going to see real results. I now will be working out six days a week. Don't want to be a Gordita no more...

TransAtlantic dating post

My dear friend Stephanie has been living in Milano for the past couple of years. I have been thoroughly entertained by her dating stories( and there are many). She keeps telling me I need to visit and my 30 dates will be done in two weeks(I don't doubt this fact and I'm working on it). She joined an online dating site a few months ago she goes on dates like 3-4times a week. She owes me 5 Italian online dating messages or dating stories. Here is the first:

So, normally I wouldn't - I shouldn't write this.

But the situation comes new to me, commanding an exception, with good
feelings that can be anticipated. (Shouldn't have strayed from the norm)

I'm again looking at your images.
Your eyes, deep, dark yet totally alive.
Intense, expressive, fiery and sweet, challenging and rewarding,
enveloping their beholder in the contemplation of your soul.
(That's some deep shit right there. Perhaps, if I had a soul I would be touched by this fromage)

Your face. Sweet lines curving gentle and strong,
shaped to be warm and alive, by the hand of an artist in love,
invincible attraction for more caressing hands,
and for lips wishing to touch, and kiss,
gently and manly at the same time.(WHAT in the WHO WHAT?)

Your lips. Great, sculptured, voluptuous, stupendous.
Mixing the deepest sweetness and the wildest passion,
made for lovers' whispers, and for fire-hot kisses,
symbol of your being angel and demon in one.
(This dude is obessed with your lips Stephania. I am sure as he was writing this he was masturbating and envisioning himself jizzing all over your "stupendous" lips. My lips have never been described as "stupendous". Maybe I should wear more lip gloss. I have never had "fire-hot kisses. I think I have not lived.)

Your words, as seen so far.
The dashing young woman, aggressive at the world's absurdities.
The courageous soul, able to make its stand in such a far away,
complicated place.

Stephanie,
I hope I'll meet you.

Even though I am mocking this man for his fromage-niss, I must admit I haven't received anything close to this on POF or from any Canadian guy. EVER. All I get is "Sup" or " I want to be your oral submissive" or "Can I jizz in your eye?" I am not a massive fan of too much fromage, but you can tell he took a lot of time to scribe this message. He puts forth a massive amount of effort for a girl he has yet to meet. That's it! I need some Euro loving. Who is buying my ticket?

Hey there...

Sorry for the lack of posts. Sometimes I am uninspired, lazy or having a cyclical mood swing. I was supposed to go on a date Saturday evening...perhaps his arms got amputated and he couldn't pick up the mother f**kin phone. I know I promised you a video of me learning to ride a bike. It's coming. I start my archery lessons on Thursday and I won four free weeks at boot camp!! More to come. Please don't leave me.

The man of my dreams

is Prince Rogers Nelson. The outfit he wore to the BET awards was my favourite by far. I want an outfit made with my likeness on it. Brilliant. I wish I thought of it. I love you...