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Saturday, December 25, 2010

Date#21

CODENAME: Lagos
AGE:26
NATIONALITY: Nigerian(only in Canada for two years)
OCCUPATION: Entrepreneur?

This whole experiment has been an exercise in patience and so far...futile. If you recall from this date, I have a list of banned nationalities. Before someone writes a rude comment or tries to rip me a new one—we all have our preferences, so deal with it. In the interest of being more open-minded, less judgemental,blah, blah blah, I decided to go on a date with another banned nationality—Nigerian. Here is what that yielded:

We spoke briefly on the phone a few days before our date. I found it quite difficult to understand him through the dense fog of his Nigerian accent. We chose a day, I told him to pick the place and get back to me. His choice was a chain restaurant at one of the busiest malls in the GTA(A few days before Christmas? Are you mad?) I wrote back and told him to choose somewhere else. Oh, and choose he did...

This next day(the day of our date) I received a text message(while at work) from Lagos with the co-ordinates for our new date location. I stared at my phone in disbelief. It said" Let's meet @ Hooters @ 7:30pm." Scusi? For my non-North American readers click here to familiarize yourself with this fine dining establishment. I bitched and moaned all day. I told all my co-workers about it. They informed me that this particular location was located near this tawdry gentleman's club. At that point, I decided I would bring scissors or a sharpened pencil with me, just in case.

 You may ask yourself why I went on this date; I'll be completely frank: 1)I am running out of time. 2)The blog has sucked lately and I knew it would make for good material.3) I needed a laugh.

I arrived before he did. When I walked in my skin immediately began to itch. I sat at a booth and  noticed that instead of napkins, they had rolls of paper towel at each table. I let out a deep, audible sigh. I am sure the other patrons wondered why such a regal woman like myself, was dining at such an unseemly place. A few minutes later, Lagos arrived.

He looked the same as his picture—squnity eyed and bulbous nosed. His eyes were a shade of red that I could only describe as...menstrual. It's nice when a man smokes up before your date and then douses himself in cologne to hide any trace. He said he wasn't very hungry. I perused the peasant menu and ordered the chicken wings and quesidillas. We spoke of our lives. He said that he lived out west before coming to Toronto. He spoke of travelling to Saskatchewan: Saskatoon, Regina and Medicine hat. I asked what he did in those god-forsaken places(I KID). He said he and his friends were conducting business. When I inquired what type of business he said" you know, business". Mmmhmm.

I noticed him looking at his watch several times. I also noticed him looking at our waitress' ass on more than one occasion. Classy... He spoke of partying at douchey places, his family and friends. He ate some of the chicken wings and proceeded to run his tongue along his teeth(trying to remove chicken wing debris.) He asked the waitress for a toothpick. He proceeded to pick his teeth at the table. That toothpick remained in his mouth the remainder of the date. As I watched him swirl it around his mouth, I envisioned myself jamming it up his nostril until it disappeared.

 I told him I had to meet a friend later on. I did "the reach", but he grabbed the bill and paid it. The waitress asked if he needed change. He said no. He seemed to think that was pretty noble. You took me to Hooters. There is nothing noble in that.

We said our goodbyes. A few minutes later I receive at text saying" It was nice hangin wit u." Were we on the same date?

Tuesday, December 21, 2010

#23-My hair journey

#23 on my list requires me to stop using chemical relaxer. I didn't really think that one out too well...I saw this (skip to the 5 min mark) and immediately decided that I would stop using it.

I've gone through so many hair colours and styles, and I thought rocking my hair natural would be easy breezy.

For the first few months of the year, I was fine because I wore weaves and I didn't need to chemically straighten my hair. Upon removing the weave, my hair was completely in its natural state. I thought it would be a new freeing experience for me. I haven't had my hair "natural" since the age of twelve. The moment I ran an afro-pic through it, memories of weekly torture sessions with my mother combing out my hair resurfaced.

I lasted  a total of 48hrs before I called my friend and asked her relax my hair for me. We decided that I should texturize my hair instead(texturizer is a milder form of relaxer, that loosens the curl pattern instead of completely straightening it.) Previously, I would relax my hair every 8 weeks on the dot. Now I texturize it once every 12 weeks, or longer.

I consider this one a fail because texturizer still contains sodium hydroxide. Its just milder. I'm slowly trying to wean myself off the creamy crack. It's just going to take longer than I thought...

Monday, December 20, 2010

Date#20

 So little time, so many dates... It's as cold outside, as it is in my heart, but I am determined to get these dates done.

Codename:Jammin
Age:34
Nationality: Canadian(Jamaican descent)
Occupation:Marketing

The ban on the coffee shop dates makes things very difficult for me. It means the days of 40 minute dates are over. It means I have to sit through an appetizer...and a main and nauseating conversation. Luckily, this one was drinks only.

We met at a small bar. I didn't look my best(frankly, I didn't care to). We sat in a quiet corner. He was average build, square-ish head and nostrils that I could drive a school bus into. The conversation flowed easily enough. He said he liked sports and PS3.  He spoke mostly of himself and business plans. He made a crack about me being of Guyanese descent. I thought about putting arsenic or a roofie in his drink, when he stepped away to use the men's room. He was in there for quite a while. I suspect one of three things happened in that bathroom:1)He took a pooper, 2)He went for a wank, 3)He was messaging his friends, telling them about his horrible date.

Shortly after he came back, he said he had to get up pretty early. I said I had to go home and groom my cats. (I said it solely for my own entertainment. I don't own any cats, nor have the desire to.) He paid the bill. We shook hands and said goodbye, neither of us mentioning a future rendezvous.

Friday, December 17, 2010

don't hate me

Hi! Please love me. As I mentioned befrore, there are no dates until next week and I'm not feeling too prolific with the writing. My youth is running out. Only seven weeks left...

Tuesday, December 14, 2010

hi!

Hola! I've got a busy week ahead, which means no time for dates(I know I am f**ked!). Just a little update...I'll be going out with Handkerchief again shortly. Tomorrow, there will be a post about #23 on my list. For now Deuces!

Thursday, December 9, 2010

Conversation with my brother on bbm #4

Hello friends! I'm in a more chipper mood today. I've decided to share another BBM conversation with my brother. People seem to find them enjoyable. And yes, we really do speak to one another like this.

I let my brother borrow one of my favourite books "The book of Negroes" almost a year ago. It's still in his possession. I also want to point out that he was off work for several weeks(with an injury) so there was ample time to complete it.

Bro:Did you know the hard copy "Book of Negroes" has illustrations?

Me:Really? You haven't even finished the paperback, so why does it matter? Perhaps it would have been an easier read for you.

Bro:Yeah. I saw it today from this woman I work with. Its much nicer. And yes, it would be easier but the thing weighs a ton.

Me:How far along are you?

Bro:You know...far enough. Massa strips Amanita of her clothing and dignity in front of everyone.

I send my brother a picture of a pork hock(he detests swine)


Bro:That is effing disgusting!!!! WTF is that being used for...witchcraft?

Me:Its been like a year since I gave you the book.
Pork hocks are very flavourful. That's your Christmas dinner.

Bro:Time is not of consequence when one is slowly savouring literature.

Me:It is when I roll up on you and take my bloodclawt book back

Bro:To offer me that vileness(swine) would be a figurative spitting in my face!

Me:Its not wine. Its a book. How about a literal spit in your face? I want my book back!

Bro:Bring me the hardcover and you can have your book back. Those are my terms.

Me:Unhand my book you philistine! It shall be mine again shortly. Because of your bad behaviour your son is going to get a lump of coal for that unmentionable holiday.

Bro:The sins of the father should not be revisited upon the son.

Me:Fine. He'll get some new flute songs.

My year old nephew thoroughly enjoys my flute recordings. My brother and sister-in-law, finding it highly disturbing.

Bro:NOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!

Me: He likes them. Too bad.

Bro:So we must all suffer because of his apparent affinity for simpleton melodies?

Me:If you mean to deprive your son of something that brings him indescribable joy, so be it.

Bro:Don't paint me with a fascist brush!

Me:If the shoe fits...Off to make new songs!

Wednesday, December 8, 2010

ABC

While perusing the pages of guys who messaged me on POF, I spotted something interesting. One of the turdbaskets had created an alphabetical list of qualities that he's looking for in a woman. He filled it with asinine things like A-asian, B-black, N-nice tits. I liked the idea, but I decided my should be a bit more sophisticated(with a smidgen of my usual vulgarity thrown in for good measure). Here it is:

Astute
Brave
Cunnilingus(gifted in the art of)
Decisive
Emotionally available
Fuckable
Good-looking
Honest
Insatiable
Jovial
Kind
Loving
Mischievous
Naughty
Open-minded
Polite
Quick-witted
Respectful
Sensual
Traveller
Unencumbered
Vivacious
Well hung
Xanadu(don't have any X words...)
Youthful
Zesty

Tuesday, December 7, 2010

Meeting new people

My friend M.R is on a mission to find me a "Perma-dick". She's providing me with helpful tips and sent me this link. It's only three things. I'm willing to try them.

1. Join a group-I'm not sure I would find the sort of man I'm interested in a club or group. What would I join? Maybe a bird watching group...

2.Volunteer- Great suggestion! I'm on it!

3.Go out alone- This one is a bit tricky. I've gone out to a restaurant or even out dancing by myself while travelling; In my own city—NEVER! If I can do it half-way around the world, why not here? I've always been a bit of a lone wolf, so it shouldn't be too difficult.

If anyone else has any suggestions, feel free to leave them in the comments section. Remember, be kind or I will rip you a new asshole. I'm in the midst of a cyclical mood swing. Don't f**k with me today.

Date#19 The last of the coffee shop dates

I just had a great Skype session with my dear friend Stephanie. I told her about last week's dates. She banned me from going on anymore coffee shop dates. I  have to agree. I go on them because I know they'll be quick and less painful. She ripped me a new one(as she often does), telling me these men put forth no effort and don't deserve my time. The next 11 dates will NOT be coffee shop dates!

Codename:Cornwall
Age:32
Occupation:Project manager
Nationality:Canadian(Caucasian)

This one was an E Harmony find. You would think after filling out an exhaustive questionnaire, this method would yield better results. It didn't. The free trial is over. I have no intention of paying for a membership.

His sandy brown hair looked like a porcupine quills. He wore a striped dress shirt with a sweater vest over it. He had country-farm-virgin written all over him. He seemed a bit nervous. He said he had just joined the website and that I was his first date(with someone he met online). He told me I was very pretty. I said thank-you. I'm not going to be mean because he was very nice. He just...wasn't...I think he needs a Mormon girl or something. I put him out of his misery and ended the date at 38mins. I made up some lame excuse and met friends for drinks.

Sunday, December 5, 2010

Date#18

Sorry once again peeps. Its been a week of dismal dates. I didn't make it to five dates this week. This is due to missing out on speed dating(a friend and I messed up the timing and location). The other date fell through when I realized he was an idiot and I deleted him from my BBM. So, I only ended up with three dates this week. All of them were...special. These dates happened earlier in the week, but  I found myself suffering from a massive case of writer's block. I had things to write about, but I found myself sitting, staring at the blank screen. I feel like I'm not really present on these dates. That's probably why they are so horrid. Anywhoo, here it is:

Codename:Dud
Age:34
Occupation: Can't remember
Nationality: Canadian(Caucasian)

Another date that involved coffee beans. We met at a coffee shop in my area because I was low on gas and didn't feel like travelling. He was there before me. He was even pastier in person. His complexion resembled that of buttermilk. He looked very straight-laced. We started chatting and the inevitable Christmas topic came up. He asked me if I started my shopping. I replied that I didn't having any shopping to do. He asked why. I told him that I don't celebrate Christmas. He asked if I was a Jehovah's witness. I told him I was an atheist. His countenance changed. He said he was Anglican. He asked what I do during Christmas. I told him I invite other atheists over and we burn Christmas trees and pictures of Santa. He didn't find my joke too amusing. After that it was pretty awkward. This one lasted about 55mins.

Wednesday, December 1, 2010

Date#17

Sorry for the tardiness. I went on this date on Sunday, but it was dismal as usual so I wasn't in the mood to write about it.  I had one lined up for Monday but he ended up being a turdbasket, so the date never happened.Here i\is #17:

Codename:DesiFest
Age:28
Occupation:Engineer
Nationality:Indian-Canadian

Another coffee shop date. It has come to the point where I actually start suggesting them. I know they"ll be quick and less painful.

We met at a big chain coffee shop. I knew there was no chance, the moment I laid eyes on him. He wore a navy sweater and jeans, not ugly, but definitely not a looker. We discussed many things. I told him that I plan on going to India. He told me I was crazy and that I would get robbed or worse. He suggested that I wait until he's going and he would be my guide. I'll pass. He was very intelligent, but not the least bit modest about it. It was a complete turn off. I finished my large tea and our date. A total of 47 mins(yes I do time them).