Search This Blog

Sunday, February 28, 2010


A friend named "Z" had a brainwave and decided that I needed to up the ante- I needed a bigger challenge. She came up with the brilliant idea that I should go on 30 dates before I turn 30. My response was dismissive and a quick change of the subject, because to me that was just lunacy. 30 dates with 30 different men?????? She was relentless, so I gave in. I am removing #29" Stop the road rage" because I feel like I have mastered staying calm in recent vehicular incidents. Onto more challenging feats!!! Where am I going to find 30 men to date? So #29 is now "Go on 30 dates with 30 different men". I have a bad feeling about this...

Saturday, February 27, 2010


Last night was my first foray into the raw food arena. I must admit I was very, very, very skeptical. My friend Helen (who is a very finnicky eater) convinced me that it was amazing. We went to RAW AURA  in Port Credit. I didn't see how vegan and raw could possibly be amazing- but it was! I must say, it was my most enjoyable vegan meal to date. Job well done Chef Doug ( first person I've met with tattoos of vegetables)!



I particpated in this dreadful pastime and...I actually had fun. I agreed to do it, only if I could do a duet with the incomparable Ms.Boot. As you will see, it was magical. I present to you Boots and Rosamund...

Friday, February 26, 2010

I had a dream...

that I was sun tanning on a beach in Rio de Janeiro. I had a young cabana boy catering to my every whim. I would say "João, come over here and put some oil on mama"( in my dream I was a crepey old cougar). João would proceed to oil me down in pork fat, until the smell of bacon permeated through every pore. The fragrance made me ravenous-incapacitated from a hard days work of laying on the beach, I decided to eat my finger, which tasted like bacon. But something amazing happened- my finger regenerated instantly! So my body became a never ending pork roast. I went into all the favela's and fed the poor. I became known as "la porchetta" around the world. I ended world hunger...well amongst those who eat pork. Brilliant dream. Yes, I know I am bonkers. My two weeks of veganism is coming to a close very shortly. I look forward to the day when meat may past my lips.

Thursday, February 25, 2010


This vegan crap may not be so bad after all. Since my butt-flush and subsequent veganism, I have lost 4lbs. I am well on my way to losing 37.9% of my current size. I just have to start working out.

I also responded to a couple of people on POF. Yes, I actually wrote back and I may actually go out with a couple of them. This is progress people...

Open forum

I consider this blog an open forum. I want people to comment and share their thoughts and opinions. Even if you are not a follower and would like to leave an anonymous comment, I welcome it. Just be aware that I don't take kindly to insults and I will verbally lambaste you. So, choose your words wisely...

Wednesday, February 24, 2010

Piss off

I am in a foul mood, not only because I have not eaten any animals or their byproducts but for other reasons. If you notice my moods swings are cyclical. Enough said...piss off.

Tuesday, February 23, 2010

A week in vegan hell

It has been just over a week with no meat or diary. I went to a vegan restaurant the other night. Whenever I visit one of these places, I leave feeling... hungry and a little upset at myself that I let someone drag me to one of these establishments (although this time it was my idea). I feel duped, swindled-like some gypsy kid offered me a rose and then blew sand in my eye and stole my wallet. They write tantalizing narratives that make you believe that this shite could actually taste good. IT'S ALL LIES!! I am someone who has a broad  palate and I am willing to try anything once (not just talking about food here). So it's not that I am being difficult- I just have a problem paying for a meal that resembles cardboard or styrofoam covered in some dairy-less sauce, that tastes like it has been brewing in a homeless mans boot for two weeks. I tried tempeh for the first time. It tastes like styrofoam covered in breadcrumbs and fecal matter. I think I'll stick to cooking at home until this dreadful experiment is over.

Monday, February 22, 2010


At the suggestion of one of my readers, I am seriously considering going out with one of the plenty of fish users. I am not really enthused about any of them, but in the interest of stepping out of my very small box, I shall consider it. On the short list:
-5'8 Irish ginger(never even considered going out with a ginger before-he slightly resembles a leprechaun. I wonder if we'll see a rainbow or he'll play the flute and little fairies will dance around me.)
-Dapper young brown guy(looks a little conservative, I think I may scare him)
-The guy who asked me if I was tubby(I messaged him back and told him I was a porker, he wants to go for a drink, and maybe try some of my back bacon)

Not sure yet. Need to mull it over.

Sunday, February 21, 2010

(Day 6)You people aren't human...

you vegans. I feel like I am a shell of a person-empty, devoid of the pleasures of life. A life with no croissants, sausages, cakes, steaks, honey, crepes, cheese, crepes filled with cheese. No wonder so many of you  look emaciated and dour (I KID). I truly admire the resolve and commitment that it takes to maintain a vegan lifestyle. I do feel better and my poops have been superb, but I am in no way willing to commit to this permanently. The strange dreams are dissipating and I no longer have thoughts about what those close to me would taste like( whether gamy or savoury). I am determined to make it to the two week mark. Wish me luck!


As a child I was bullied quite often. One of the things would soothe my soul (besides punching boys) was making a cheese sandwich. Oh, but this wasn't any ordinary cheese sandwich. It was truly special. I would take a slice of good ol' white wonderbread and put a slice of cheddar cheese in the middle. I would then proceed to squeeze the shit out of the bread and form it into a sphere. That little cheese filled doughy sphere was my way of releasing all my aggression.  Recently, I recollected this odd behaviour with fondness and decided to recreate my cheese ball. I was in the process of making plantain chips and stood in front of the hot oil wondering what my cheese ball would taste like fried.... It tasted like self-loathing, gluttony and heaven(if one exsisted). I know I am vile and I will never do it again.

Friday, February 19, 2010


What you all love and have been waiting for... plenty of fish messages. They have been rather boring lately. I think I may change my profile, shake it up a bit. A reader suggested that I actually go out with one of these turdbombs and write about it. I will try but I need to find someone who isn't utterly repulsive, can write a proper sentence or doesn't look like a serial killer.

Timmy2( the subject line was Cute Face): Are you tubby?
Oh no! He knows. He sees past my exquisitely beautiful face. The sham is over. He knows that a girl with a hot body would display it prominently. I'm tired of hiding, I'm coming out as a fatty on POF....maybe tomorrow.

Dizzy2: I have never been with a black girl. Do you want to be my first?
I have never taken a big heaping shit on someone's face. Do you want to be my first? Jackass.

apoot:hi there,how you doing beautiful?how was your valentine's day?
Cold and bitter, just the way I like it. How is your S-curl and early ninties R&B poly blend suit?

Sundu78:I may not know anything about you, but there's one thing that i know and i am sure of is that
you are sexy. Lady believe me from what i am seeing in you i must say you are what every person in the world is searching for. I am douche what is the sweet ladys name.Do you made giving me the sexy
ladys contact so that i will call or txt to tell you how sweet you are.
I am not sweet. I am bitter, tart and acidic. I don't even have the energy to dissect this message. I wonder, does this kind of shite work on some girls? Wow.

Thursday, February 18, 2010



It has been 4 days without meat or dairy. Forgive my absence, for I am in the foulest of moods. I was fine until today. I told someone that their legs looked tasty. I had several strange dreams last night. In the first dream, I cracked open an egg to find a perfectly cooked medium rare steak. In the second dream I was in Greece. I was wearing a light blue virginal dress, skipping along the cobblestone streets, when I happened upon a souvlaki vendor named Yiorgos. He told me that he had the best souvlaki the world had to offer. I advised him that I was a vegan and could not indulge in his street meat. He coaxed and cajoled me into to trying it and I finally gave in. Upon eating it, all the other souvlakis broke out into song. They followed me, skipping and laughing along the way, telling me that they can't wait to be eaten by such a regal woman. I relished in their adoration. I found a seat at the edge of a cliff and was about to commence eating all the glorious souvlaki, when they formed a coup and threw me off the cliff into a pile of dung. Mutiny I say! Yes, I have lost my mind.

Tuesday, February 16, 2010


I think I am on a good path to completing the tasks on my list. Three are done so far. I finished one yesterday and another one will come to fruition tonight. Yesterday was my first day of my two week vegan fest (which is also on my list). If I am successful, at the end of the two weeks I want a burger with bacon and cheese and maybe a poutine for good measure. No, I KID! I hope this challenge ingrains in me that a diet without exorbitant amounts of meat and dairy is just fine... maybe even good. I did have a strange dream last night; I was riding a pig with wings,whilst eating Peameal bacon.



Holy crapshoots batman! My colon is as clean as the day is long! I got my butt-flush done at The Yellow Brick road on Dupont. Click on the link if you want more information.  A clean colon is a happy one!

Monday, February 15, 2010


I am truly majestic! I have doubled my followers is less than one month! I have gone from 9 to 18. Only someone with mystical Obeah powers could manage such a feat. Become a follower of my blog and I shall grant you eternal life and youth. Joviality and splendor abound! You will be free of all that ails you. Bountiful prizes await. Just join...or I will hurt you. Have a splendid day!

Butt-flush time

Today is the day for colonic irrigation. Fun times. I remember feeling light and sprightly afterwards. Off I go to the Yellow brick road.

Saturday, February 13, 2010

I am a nice girl...really

For those readers who don't know me, reading this blog may give the impression that I am a wretched gargoyle of a woman who is cynical, miserable and lonely. I am far from it. I am a cheerful, agreeable, nubile, supple, tender-hearted, loyal and buxom young woman. My sense of humour is a bit dry and sometimes vulgar. Some of you may get it (the smart ones) and some of you may not (slow-witted).  I apprieciate all the feedback I have been getting from you all. I promise to keep you entertained. Stay tuned for the best karaoke video you have ever seen in your entire life!

Oh my good gracious! Is it Valentine's day already?

Valentine's day is for wankers. A day to celebrate lovers and love...It's really a day for people who are in dreadful relationships trying desperately to find some semblance of the fire that was once there by purchasing cheap chocolate, tawdry lingerie and pretending they can stand one another. What about a day to celebrate celibacy and bitterness? What about all the lonesome people in the world who feel even more desolate on this dreadful day? I am not one of these people, for I am always in good company (MYSELF). You may think I don't enjoy this holiday because I am single. You would be wrong. I ignore it, just as I do Christmas and Easter (although I do enjoy Halloween). To those of you wankers who celebrate....Fuck off.

Thursday, February 11, 2010


The best gift I ever received was a delicate heart shaped necklace. It's very dainty until you look closely and read the inscription which says " kiss me where I pee". Saves one from having to ask. Just point to the necklace. For my birthday I was hoping to get a custom made t-shirt that says " Can I sit on your face?" It's not too late people...

I'm sorry. I shouldn't be writing things like this. It's not very lady like is it? It's a constant struggle-my addiction to depravity. I am really a lady-in-training but sometimes I slip.

Wednesday, February 10, 2010


Mother fucker, cunt, bitch, douche, cocksucker, ho, putana, ahhhhhhh! My self-imposed 24hr hiatus from foul language is over!!!! I made it. The word puta..... almost came out of my mouth, but I swallowed it(an act that should be a familiar to you putanas out there).

It feels strange to write solely about myself and my neuroses . It's a bit narcisstic (but then again so am I). I just feel that there are so many blogs about fashion, gossip, food, beauty, etc. I needed to create something that doesn't fit in a box ( kind of like me, not only because I am weird but because of my rotundness. I physically wouldn't be able to fit in a box).  I know it's not fancy and high tech, but I'd like to think I make up for it entertainment. I really enjoy writing this blog but I feel like I am giving away too much funny for free. I am keeping my best material to myself for now. How do I get paid for this shite? How do I get free stuff? I am willing to promote things I don't giving a flying fuck about and I am willing to sell my soul and much more for the right price... I KID(not really).

My challenge today is to be nice to every, single person I come in contact with, no matter how douchey, self-righteous or annoying they are. Wish me luck!

Tuesday, February 9, 2010

And so it begins....

my journey to become a lady. I think at the end of this jaunt there should be some sort of ceremony where I get a crown, scepter and  named Dame/Lady/Princess of Putanaville. My royal duties would include showing women and young putanas who have lost their way into putanadom, how to become respectable ladies.

Each day I shall give myself a small challenge. Today, that challenge is that no swear words or derogatory comments shall pass my lips. I may think them, I just cannot utter them. My mother always said to me that swearing is for people who aren't intelligent enough to express themselves. I can express myself, I just choose to use expletives to do so. I promise to be forthright. If I fail, I will tell the truth. Wish me luck.


 Become a follower of my blog and win awesome prizes!! This months prize......

Monday, February 8, 2010

One year

1 year
12 months
52 weeks
8,765 hours
until the sun sets on my youth

Friday, February 5, 2010

A friend was kind enough to leave a note on my car


I despise peanut butter. I think it is one of the most vile things ever created. The smell makes me want to hurl. I also despise peanuts. I refer to it as the peasant nut. Only people with the most pedestrian of palates would enjoy peanuts and all it's derivatives. I do however enjoy more sophisticated nuts like macadamians, walnuts, almonds, brazil nuts, chestnuts, pecans and pistachios. So...don't be insulted if you offer me something with peanuts and I inform you that my refined palate cannot handle something fit for peasant consumption.

Thursday, February 4, 2010

King of the D-bags

I have never felt to urge to take a shard on someone's face...until this very moment
I christen thee "King of Douche-Baggery"

Wednesday, February 3, 2010

An ode to pork

In a couple of weeks I am getting a butt flush (colonic) and afterwards I will be a vegan for two weeks. Yes, you read correctly. Vegan...for two weeks. I am already dreading it and thinking about all the animals and dairy products I won't be able to consume. You may want to avoid me during those two weeks. I decided to write and ode to my favourite meat...PORK. I must ensure my brother reads this, as his hatred for pork knows no bounds. I am sure he will try to raise his offspring in a pork free environment ( not when he's with his Aunt : ). Muhhahhahaha!!!!!!!

An ode to pork

How supple thy skin of swine
How protean you are in form
Variable like no other
What say you bacon, mortadella, proscuitto
How can thy spring from the same mother?

Many abhor you and think you vile
But I...I love thee...I adore thee
In all forms you are gracious
Feeding the masses
Ignorant and unappreciative of your grace

I see past thy sloth and stink
I view thee as more than cuts of
Pinic shoulder, tenderloin, ribs,
ham, sirloin, hocks and remnants
I view thee as sustenance
A gastronomic delight
I shall keep thee at a distance
We shall meet again
In a fortnight


Monday, February 1, 2010

A first

Another example of the light and grace that POF brings into my life. I consider myself an open minded person. I try not be judgemental of others life-style choices... This is where I draw the line.

VINNY: hi was up ive not have a hot black lady love to have you you into it
I was a little confused, not only by the rudimentary English skills but also because his dreadful profile picture had an equally unattractive woman with him. I clicked on the profile, not out of interest but sheer curiousity. I nearly hurled when I read this :
im 31 she 26 looking 4 fun a lady or a couple im 5ft5 she 5ft3 both looking 4 a 3some or 4some her BOOBs are 38dd like to no more like to talk get back to me and herblack lady love to have you you into it
This is not how I imagined my first offer for a threesome would come to me. I envisioned an attractive, intelligent couple with sculpted bodies and fit minds wanting to spice up their love life with a little Chocolate Thunder. I did not envision people who look like school bus drivers and their main dietary staples are Kraft dinner and Maple Lodge deli meat.