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Wednesday, March 31, 2010

A taste of my own medicine

Please insert an Austrian accent in Edelweiss' lines.

ME: You're shitting me!
Edelweiss:You want to me shit on you?
ME:No. It's just something I say
Edelweiss:Well why would you say that if you don't want someone to shit on you?I mean I can if you want but it's not really my thing.

ME: You have a pair of Lederhosen??
Edelweiss: Ja! I have them back at my apartment. You should see me in them. I look glorious!
ME:Why do you need them in Toronto?
Edelweiss: *raises eyebrow and winks*

Date # 2

CODENAME: Edelweiss

When he first messaged me on POF, I thought he was cute. When he called and he had an Austrian accent I thought *schwing*.  I was there ahead of time, so I went to the ladies room and made sure everything was in place. When I came back he was waiting at the bar. He turned and I said "Edelweiss?" He said "Jå". He wore a  fedora and looked a  smidgen older than his picture, but still handsome; Perhaps he thought I looked prettier and slimmer in mine. After some negotiaton we decided to go for sushi.

THE GOOD: We had a good rapport and conversation throughout. He was funny(a little corny),engaging  and a little presumptuous. He seems very spiritual and knowledgable about eastern medicine and holistic therapies. I got a palm reading, therapy session and astrology in one date. There was some flirtation here and there. He said he liked my lips(who wouldn't?). He joked about having a pair of Lederhosen...If he only knew...We went for a drink after dinner.

THE BAD: During dinner, he asked me about my eyebrows. He wanted to know if they were tatooed and came in close to look at them. I am pretty self-concious about being nearly browless. I have been drawing them on since the age of 13. Don't ask me about my brows. He would watch my gesticulating as I spoke- as if he was reading into nuances that weren't there. He had some far out thoughts about the universe and how it came to be. When the dinner bill came, it sat there for a while and then he took out his cash to pay and I did the "reach" and there was no hesitation...he took it. I am by no means saying that a man should pay all the time, but always on the first date. While walking he noticed it was a full moon and started howling...yes, you read correctly. He made me howl with him.

He was a nutter, but so I am. I just don't let my freak flag fly so early. It wasn't bad. I was entertained most of the night and if he called I would consider going out with him again. I dropped him off at a corner we said gute nacht without making any promises to call. When I got home I checked my POF and he was on-line too. I guess the hunt continues...

Tuesday, March 30, 2010


Going on date #2 tonight. A little nervous...this one seems to have potential(and an accent). Wish me luck!

Monday, March 29, 2010


I have been meandering, lollygagging and skylarking...doing anything but going on dates. I had a couple that I was supposed to go on last week and I changed my mind. It makes me anxious. You know that feeling you get in the pit your stomach- like you're going to shard your pants? For what? I don't even find most of these men attractive or remotely interesting. If my friend hadn't suggested that I go on these dates, I would continue to insult them from behind my computer screen without giving any of them a chance. Perhaps my fear is that they may find me unattractive or uninteresting(they would have to be clinically insane, but it's a possibilty).

It's time to get serious. I'm going to paint my nails, wax my moustache, put some lipstick and go on some mother fucking dates! Oh my good gracious I can't wait!

Friday, March 26, 2010


I was twenty years old the first time I went to Switzerland. I was with one of those crapass European tour groups (before I knew the benefits of travelling unaided). They took us into the city centre and there it was...In front me, was the most majestic chocolate shop I had ever seen in my life. I think I may have jizzed in my pants. After hovering and salivating in front of the shop window  for several minutes, I composed myself and entered. It was a fatties dream. Hundreds of truffles and bars and candies and chocolate and more chocolate! It was heaven! I remember just pointing at truffles mindlessly until I had a full bag and my total was some exorbitant amount in Swiss Francs. I skipped whatever afternoon crapass tour they had arranged-skipped lunch and dinner too. I just went back to my hotel room and made sweet love to my truffles. It was truly bliss. I remember falling asleep and having the strangest dream:

After a life of unsatisfying, sordid and painful love affairs with men- I decided that chocolate was my only true and tried love. I moved to Swizterland to take over a chocolate factory from a retiring chocolatier. The factory came with his two nephews Hans and Ulrich. They were my workers and sexual slaves. I demanded that they dress in tight-fitting Lederhosen (without shirts). I became relentless in my pursuit of creating the perfect chocolate and insisted on trying every batch  before it left the factory. All of my meals had to contain chocolate: chocolate covered sauerkraut, schitznel and sausage. This gluttonous behaviour, led to me ballooning up to 500 lbs. Too rotund and lethargic to bathe myself, Hans and Ulrich sponged me down in a solution made of chocolate and  sodium lauryl sulfate. They soon grew tired of my ill-treatment, hired a crane and hoisted me into a vat of boiling chocolate. The end.

I didn't eat chocolate for several weeks afterwards.

Thursday, March 25, 2010


In varying degrees, I have been slightly(or grossly) pudgy, overweight, Rubenesque throughout my life. The more I advance in years, the more arduous the task of losing that weight becomes. I have never felt the pressure to fit into a certain beauty ideal. People often tell me I have a pretty face when I want them to say " you look hungry" or " maybe you should eat a sandwich". I KID! I want to lose weight because I want to be healthy (as cliche as that sounds).

As a child my brother was a picky eater, while I ate everything put in front of me. I may not have enjoyed it all, but I was an obedient and docile child. If you offered me chocolate covered snails I probably would have eaten it. In adulthood, I try anything once(food wise)- I think that is the one area of my life where fear isn't at the forefront.

A few years ago, I went to visit my friend "Sabine" in Greece for the first time. The heat was relentless, it seemed like everything was uphill and like there were a million and one stairs to climb. Once in a while she would catch me taking a break and I would say"Oh, I am just taking a picture"or "just taking in the sunset" when I was gasping for some fucking air! She knew what was up and called me on it. I won't make excuses or try to rationalize why I am overweight when I ate a bag of Cadbury mini-eggs last night. I'm just going to try my best. I don't want to be a fatty no more!

Wednesday, March 24, 2010


You may ask yourself why I even entertained this conversation. I think I was bored and really curious to see where he would take it. Also, I made a pledge that I would reply(atleast once) to every guy that wrote to me on POF. This is what it got me:

killerfish: Can I ask you a question?
me: What?
killerfish:would u let a guy to kiss ur high heels?
me:WHAT? WHAT? Lick my heels maybe.
killerfish:would u give me a chance? i would even kiss ur tushy if u like
me:Are you for real?
killerfish:can we chat on msn ?? id love to try that yes
me:Don't have MSN
killerfish:would u meet up with what is there to lose?
me:My dignity. I don't wear heels often. What about some combat boots? Would you lick those?
killerfish:if ther hot...i i get to lick the tushy too?
me:You are ****ing with me! Seriously? By lick the tushy what do you mean?
killerfish: i would lick ur serious
me:How do you know I don't have a stank ass? You shouldn't make promises like that. I still think you are a fraud and one of my friends put you up to this.
killerfish:what do i have to do to show u that ur wrong.....u dont even look like u have stanky ass. meet me for coffe tonight and put on some sexy heels

No I did not meet him. I was working and I wanted to hold on to what little dignity I have left. A part of me wanted to shard my pants and then tell him to get to work.

Tuesday, March 23, 2010

Animal comparisons

What I look like now.
(that's me getting on the elephant in S.A)

What I hope to look like in 11months


I was discussing this whole blog shite with somone the other day. They found it interesting that I was really going to try and do all these things in one year. They said  to me" why don't you lie and say you did some of the things and no one would be any wiser?" I would be. The whole purpose of this journey is self-improvement, self-actualization, facing fears and broadening horizons. How can I acheive any of that if I lie? I intend to do everything on the list or atleast make a valiant effort. If I fail, I fail. That's part of the journey, but I promise to be forhtright.

I have a couple dates lined up, so you'll get a good laugh shortly. I  may go out with the guy who wants to lick my heels...

Monday, March 22, 2010


More Plenty of Fish messages. If this is the pool of guys I have to choose from to go on 30 dates with, I am in trouble.

Rocknroll:There are two things that give away the type of person you are...would you like to know what they are?
Oh my good gracious! Please tell me! I really need an anonymous man from plenty of fish to validate me as a person. Arrogant fuck. This is the kind of man that would order wine, a main and dessert for you without letting you get a word in edgewise. He would talk about himself,his accomplishments and conquests all night. I still messaged him to find out what those two things are. I have a feeling it may make me laugh or start a verbal war.

killerfish: Can I ask you a question?
me: What?
killerfish:would u let a guy to kiss ur high heels?
me:WHAT? WHAT? Lick my heels maybe.
killerfish:would u give me a chance?
So tempting... A chance to emasculate a man, a dream of mine since childhood. I want to get a pair of clear lucite putana heels, go stomping around in a pig sty and then make this dumb fuck lick my heel.

dudert: What is your opinion on white boys?
I like them skinny, minimal body hair, good looking in the face, quick-witted yet subservient. I KID! I like all kinds of boys, as long as they fit that description.


Thank-you to all of those who joined my facebook group. It truly means a lot to me. I love you more than smoked salmon and I loves me some smoked salmon! To those who chose to opt out or have yet to join, you are useless and you may be removed from my friends list shortly; may the wrath of Hades rain down upon your feeble existence! I KID, I JOKE! Really I KID! Just having one of my cyclical mood swings.

I want 500 fans. I know you're probably thinking I'm a greedy little bitch. You're totally right. I think this blog provides benefits that are unquantifiable; words and catchphrases that will become a part of your everyday language, poetry and prose that will melt your heart and incite your soul, comedic relief that will have you keeling over in side splitting laughter. I promise if you help me get 500 fans I will post a video of my dance moves and those who have seen them know how unforgettable they are.So get me some more fucking fans!!!!

Friday, March 19, 2010

# 18

While trying to figure out what #18 should be, I remembered that my friend "Anika" will be in a half-marathon in May. I thought,brilliant, this is what I am going to do! I am going to run a half-marathon with my extremely fit friend ,who runs everyday. Then reality set in. I remembered that I am a fat-ass and I don't recall the last time I ran and I probably would collapse if I ran a block. Ask me to punch, kick or strangle something- I can do that for hours! Cardiovascular excerise has never been my strong suit. She then told me about the 5k. So # 18 is run a 5k in May. I have two months to train. If any one has any running tips for a fatty with a swollen ankle, please share.

Thursday, March 18, 2010


I am a total turdbomb! My Croatian friend "Marlove" noticed that number 18 is missing from my list. I double checked the orginal list and there is no # 18!!!! So people I need one more thing do to. Any suggestions? Keep it clean!

Wednesday, March 17, 2010


Subjectline:You look yummy
Jamie99:Hi my name is Douche checkout my profile I
got pics juss ask call 647-sit-onit 
get to know me
let me get a taste

How tempting.... an immediate offer for sit-on session. It's a little suspect. What kind of man immediately offers to mangia? How could he know that I would taste yummy? I could taste like sundried sardines on a bed of fermenting garbage(I don't). I admire his bravery, but admonish his easy virtue. I will not reply.

Tuesday, March 16, 2010


I wrote a poem about fear last night and asked my best friend to critique it. I knew she would give an impartial, concise and honest review. She is a brilliant writer of many essays, an entrepeneur, a masters student and a dear friend. Her words really ring true. She made me realize that I am writing about conquering  fear from a cowards stance- an imagined victory over an enemy I have yet to face.

You shall have me in your vested grip no more
Unhand me I say!
Free me of your shackles and chains
Let me rome unabashed
Let me frolic in the whimsy of the world
I shall heed to you no more

Release me I say!
I shall liberate myself from your restraints
Rome, I will, freely, unfettered and wild
Frolick, I will, with a buoyancy and fervour yet seen

At once we were a pair
Twins in a tether
No more I say!
You are my shadow to be forgotten in the blinding light
I forge ahead alone
Fear, I shall know your name no longer

Fear as you describe it in this poem is a mechanism for disengagement, the consequence of intense self doubt and cryptonite for personal freedom. Out of 10 I think its a 6.5 because it is still a poem in a passive reflective state rather than an active reflective state which I believe defeats the intent of the poem, which is to insight the author into action. this is a poem of someone wanting to act but struggling to actualize this realization. in order for the poem to truly be powerful, a true call to action you must write about acting. Don't talk about it. be about it. This is evident in the poem's lack of tense consistency i.e. oscillating between past and future tenses ( shall, will). I would think a poem about action should be in the present tense, or past tense. For the future tense to be so prevalent signals impending procrastination. i shall = i will = maybe tomorrow = inaction. You have written stronger poems. Your poem about pork was EXCELLENT, articulate, clearly written. It flowed without question. this poem lacks conviction, believability, experience. I suggest you write a poem about action every time you complete something on your list. right after or and right before. express feelings of anxiety before doing something. that's real. after- talk about how empowering or dis-empowering it felt to accomplish a goal, learn, reflect, report, move on, plan and move onto the the next goal. What I'm saying is the poem lacked context. your fear what? you are freeing your self from what, the physical mental affects of fear, the consequence of fear rejection, the fear of success, the fear of failure, the fear of something new, the unfamiliarity of truly reaching your goals, of planning or judgment? you cannot change what you do not acknowledge. the vague nature of the poem reflects an unwillingness to truly tackle fear. how did you overcome fear? No one completely does. Fear is healthy as long as it doesn't stop you from engaging and i've given several reasons why the poem reveals why fear is still apart of your life in an unhealthy way. Go back to the drawing board, dream the best life for yourself, and write poems about how fear as a catalyst in the most detailed and raw of emotion and language. I write this out of love and current experience. it takes one to know one.

Love Jenn
PS: I can't wait to read the next ;) Imagine what they will be like in a year. Good start keep up the hard work of self reflection, realization and action. I guarantee it will pay off


You shall have me in your vested grip no more
Unhand me I say!
Free me of your shackles and chains
Let me rome unabashed
Let me frolic in the whimsy of the world

I shall heed to you no more
Release me I say!
I shall liberate myself from your restraints
Rome, I will, freely, unfettered and wild
Frolick, I will, with a buoyancy and fervour yet seen

At once we were a pair
Twins in a tether
No more I say!
You are my shadow to be forgotten in the blinding light
I forge ahead alone
Fear, I shall know your name no longer


Monday, March 15, 2010

Progress report

I only have 5 things done! I need to get a move on! Many things require a warmer climate, so I will have to wait...I am not procrastinating here.


2.LEARN TO SWIM.(I will be starting swimming lessons next month. I refuse to tape it because I will look like a beached whale in a utilitarian one-piece.)
7.DECREASE MY CURRENT WEIGHT BY 37.9%(Working on it. I need to work harder.)
8.DANCE and maybe sing IN THE RAIN
15.FALL IN LOVE (This is one that I am doubtful of. Perhaps I shouldn't be so negative about it.)
16. GO TO INDIA (October)
20.RIDE ON THE BACK OF A MOTORCYCLE or a vespa will do
29.GO ON 30 DATES(1 down 29 to go)


has been the bane of my exsistence for as long as I can remember. Being a consummate procrastinator, I always think that there is a tomorrow and when that tomorrow comes, there is another one. It's a dreadful affliction- one that can be detremental to your physical  and mental state. I always think I can start that workout tomorrow, I can pay that bill tomorrow, I'll go out with that douche-bag from Plenty-of-fish tomorrow. It's a never ending cycle. When I posted my list of 30 things, someone asked me if I was dying. I am not. The list encompasses things that I said I would do for many years.This blog is a blessing because if I didn't put it out there for the world to see, most likely , these things would not be done. Part of this journey is changing the things I dislike about myself . I'm going to start...tomorrow.

Friday, March 12, 2010


I think someone is making a thinly veiled attempt to fool me. I got a message from a plenty of fish user named Swedishsven. His profile was pretty bare:
Just looking to meet new people & see where it goes. Looking for someone that doesnt take life too seriously. Someone that likes to laugh. And can laugh at themselves too. Blond Hair & blue eyes.

I like to make people laugh and I definitely don't take life seriously...I think it's a trap. There was no picture(like I am going to respond to someone with no picture). Someone who knows about my love for the Swedes is trying to pull some fuckery! Just remember that I am smarter than you, and I am an Obeah priestess( I KID, or am I)! Am I just extremely paranoid and afraid that I will be caught and exposed as the charlatan I am?

Thursday, March 11, 2010

Masked crusader

We have a new follower. A masked crusader. How mysterious.... Who are you Zorro? I demand you show yourself! I KID! Please don't leave.

30 dates

As you know, I agreed to go on 30 dates before I turn 30(a decision I instantly regretted). I went on my first date last night. Going on one was taxing enough. How the fuck I am supposed to go on 29 more of these????? For you women who date a lot, this may seem like a breeze, but I am a hermit and when it comes to men I have the social skills of a toddler. I had another one lined up for this week, but I changed my mind. Where am I going to find these dudes?

DATE#1:We met at a coffee shop. Not even a good one. He was 25 minutes late.  I purchased my own tea, as I was waiting for him to show up. Not my type at all. Seems nice enough but I don't think there was anything there . At times the conversation was strained. We chatted for an hour and then went our separate ways. That's all. Do I really have to go on 29 more of these? Fuck. I want to be wined and dined, swept off my feet by a guy wearing purple suit and whose mode of transportation is a unicorn. Is that too much to ask?

Wednesday, March 10, 2010


I need more followers... I am an egomaniacal putana, who needs constant adoration to function(perhaps I should have been an actress). Everyday I check, hoping that there will be more of you. Tell your friends, family, your priest. A few weeks ago I had 18 of you, now I have 26. I will not continue to write for such a small audience.( Of course I will I have nothing better to do with my time.) I think my plan of world domination is coming to fruition,slowly, one person at a time. Join before it's too late.

Tuesday, March 9, 2010


Last weekend I lost a dance-off to a 6 year old girl. Towards the end of the battle I got desperate and did the splits. I couldn't get back up. My couter bone still hurts. In my defense, she takes ballet. I am a self-taught dancer and my moves defy all boundaries, space and time. Some people don't understand my form of movement; I think it makes them uncomfortable because they have never seen such fluidity and grace in a dancer. Perhaps one day I will show you my moves...

Monday, March 8, 2010


I was busy and did not have time to check my plenty of fish account until this morning. I had 16 putrid turdbomb messages waiting for me. I really should be thankful that men are interested in  me but it's like being a thoroughbred and having donkeys trying to mate with you ( I KID).

pitbull2012:hey gorgeous:) how are you? my name is douche
Sometimes it's not the message that I find repulsive, it's the profile. This douche proudly displayed 5 pictures of himself holding wads of Canadian currency while stroking his vanilla ice facial hair. He also had designs shaved into his head. Grade A douche.

Sheman:Ur a woman of my dream and I hope we two venture on all the prospective you have in mind. I do love the things you do, and I hope we don't make this opportunities go waste

When we can do so much together…my name is Douche what is yours…
He sounds like he is going to whisk me off into a magical kingdom with unicorns and never ending chocolate and pork. Instead I think I would be locked in a dungeon in the bottom of a bazaar, being fed a fig once a day and made to be his sex slave. Yes, I can see all of this from one message.

curiouso78:I am in love!
Hmmm. You sure about that? He has three things that guarantee that I will not reply:
1) Fake tan
2) tweezed eyebrows(I find this beyond repulsive on a man) 
3) Facial hair that looks like it was sculpted by a laser.

He seemed pretty intelligent on his profile, but I just can't get past those things. He says don't judge a book by it's cover. What if it's cover looks like the Jersey shore?

Inoshitu:Wats ur name babes I wanna get to know if u give the chance
This is the third message from this fuck. In his profile he is wearing one of those Hamas looking scarves and has hips like a woman. You cannot have a chance.

What is "beaty" and I am sure he doesn't know the meaning of wit. How difficult would it have been to write could instead of "cud". He wants to make me dinner, which means he wants me to go to his place(so I'd be trapped) and watch movies(porn) and have drinks(with a roofie in it). I just have a feeling I would end up naked in an alley with no recollection of the previous nights events. No thanks white dread!

Yardiepp:How you doin? I see the camera got a crush on u, u compliment it well and from what i read i like your state of mind your quite the woman. anyways i'm jus passin tru and couldnt help myself but to
drop by and show some love. Other than that i'm wonderin if u got some time to spear, that i can get to kno u some more and u get a chance to know me the same if your kool with that
Is the English language dead? Why spell cool with a K? I appreciate the effort, but if you took the time to write a paragraph, why not take the time to spell "u" or "tru"? I am sure many woman find this peasant language appealing. I am not one of them.

dirtydog2012: (subject line)me want da akee and saltfish
Does this make me culturally aware just messing with ya I am I wholesome white boy who eats Kraft dinner and ketchup and very genuine (to the extreme )
First of all fuckface, I am not Jamaican!!!!! It does not make you culturally aware, it makes you a douche. I would never date anyone who has Kraft dinner with ketchup as a main dietary staple. Ketchup seems to be the condiment of choice amongst people of peasant lineage.

Saturday, March 6, 2010


The winner of February's prize is.................. MS. Dawna Boot!!! You can pick up your can of vienna sausages anytime.

For March I have upped the ante a bit. People it's not too late to become a follower! The prizes will only get better. I know there are a lot of you creepers out there....I have 770 profile views...I'd like to know that there is more than 26 people reading this shite. I feel exposed and lonely. Please join and you can win this...

This beaut was created when I was 16. It's called "Melancholy Love". God I was weird. I have been trying to give it away for years. Join and this piece of shite can be yours!

Thursday, March 4, 2010


This lovely message was in my Plenty of fish inbox this morning. If he was remotely attractive, I would consider looking past his condescending tone so I could meet him and suffocate him by sitting on his face. Instead he'll have to suffer in silence, never knowing whether I found him unattractive or a general douchebag.

st78e:Hi, for having only completed some college you have used some big time words.. if you were to ever give up being a make up artist and to go back to school,, I'm sure you can go all the way!

I don't appreciate back handed compliments. For someone with a masters degree, you would think he would be a bit more eloquent in his speech. I think this message annoyed me more than any other. It reeks of arrogance and an innate sense of superiority over those less educated. I may not have gone to university, but that does not mean I am an idiot. I have never been scholastically inclined, but I try to educate myself through travel, reading and keeping abreast on issues. Perhaps it bothered me because I know I am capable of much more; It's not the place of a stranger-someone interested in me, to tell me that I am inadequate as I am.

Wednesday, March 3, 2010


Many years ago, when the movie 'Alive' was released my brother and I had a conversation that went down in infamy. The movie is based on the true story of a Uruguayan rugby team who's plane crashed in the Andes. They were trapped for a prolonged period of time and when the food ran out, to survive, they dined on the bodies of their dead team mates. My brother thought it was vile and he would rather die than eat human flesh. I on the other hand have a strong survival instinct. I said I would have eaten human flesh if that was my only means of survival. He called me a savage. I told him that if we were stranded on a desert island and there was no vegetation or fruits and he had just died, that I would eat him and that he should feel honoured that he would prolong my life. His disgust was intensified when I told him that I would make "Terry-Kabobs" out of him. He said that he would never travel with me in the rare chance the plane crashed. He hasn't.

Monday, March 1, 2010




A few months ago if you were to suggest that I should try two weeks without meat or dairy, I probably would have stabbed you in the eye for making such a asinine suggestion. I am so proud that I made it without cheating once! I did have some strange dreams and one night I swore the Babybel cheese in the fridge was whispering my name. But my resolve was strong.

 For breakfast this morning I had a piece of coffee cake (don't worry I'm not going to make a habbit of it) and a piece of that Babybel cheese. What's really suprising is that I am not craving meat like a mad woman. Let's not get it twisted, I am not a vegan forever, but I think this experiment opened my eyes a bit. I prepared the majority of my meals and became a lot more creative. I may even incorporate one meat free/vegan week a month. I have a new found respect for vegans and I will not mock them in the future(well less often).