CRITIQUE

I wrote a poem about fear last night and asked my best friend to critique it. I knew she would give an impartial, concise and honest review. She is a brilliant writer of many essays, an entrepeneur, a masters student and a dear friend. Her words really ring true. She made me realize that I am writing about conquering  fear from a cowards stance- an imagined victory over an enemy I have yet to face.


You shall have me in your vested grip no more
Unhand me I say!
Free me of your shackles and chains
Let me rome unabashed
Let me frolic in the whimsy of the world
I shall heed to you no more


Release me I say!
I shall liberate myself from your restraints
Rome, I will, freely, unfettered and wild
Frolick, I will, with a buoyancy and fervour yet seen


At once we were a pair
Twins in a tether
No more I say!
You are my shadow to be forgotten in the blinding light
I forge ahead alone
Fear, I shall know your name no longer

Fear as you describe it in this poem is a mechanism for disengagement, the consequence of intense self doubt and cryptonite for personal freedom. Out of 10 I think its a 6.5 because it is still a poem in a passive reflective state rather than an active reflective state which I believe defeats the intent of the poem, which is to insight the author into action. this is a poem of someone wanting to act but struggling to actualize this realization. in order for the poem to truly be powerful, a true call to action you must write about acting. Don't talk about it. be about it. This is evident in the poem's lack of tense consistency i.e. oscillating between past and future tenses ( shall, will). I would think a poem about action should be in the present tense, or past tense. For the future tense to be so prevalent signals impending procrastination. i shall = i will = maybe tomorrow = inaction. You have written stronger poems. Your poem about pork was EXCELLENT, articulate, clearly written. It flowed without question. this poem lacks conviction, believability, experience. I suggest you write a poem about action every time you complete something on your list. right after or and right before. express feelings of anxiety before doing something. that's real. after- talk about how empowering or dis-empowering it felt to accomplish a goal, learn, reflect, report, move on, plan and move onto the the next goal. What I'm saying is the poem lacked context. your fear what? you are freeing your self from what, the physical mental affects of fear, the consequence of fear rejection, the fear of success, the fear of failure, the fear of something new, the unfamiliarity of truly reaching your goals, of planning or judgment? you cannot change what you do not acknowledge. the vague nature of the poem reflects an unwillingness to truly tackle fear. how did you overcome fear? No one completely does. Fear is healthy as long as it doesn't stop you from engaging and i've given several reasons why the poem reveals why fear is still apart of your life in an unhealthy way. Go back to the drawing board, dream the best life for yourself, and write poems about how fear as a catalyst in the most detailed and raw of emotion and language. I write this out of love and current experience. it takes one to know one.


Love Jenn
PS: I can't wait to read the next ;) Imagine what they will be like in a year. Good start keep up the hard work of self reflection, realization and action. I guarantee it will pay off