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Saturday, December 25, 2010

Date#21

CODENAME: Lagos
AGE:26
NATIONALITY: Nigerian(only in Canada for two years)
OCCUPATION: Entrepreneur?

This whole experiment has been an exercise in patience and so far...futile. If you recall from this date, I have a list of banned nationalities. Before someone writes a rude comment or tries to rip me a new one—we all have our preferences, so deal with it. In the interest of being more open-minded, less judgemental,blah, blah blah, I decided to go on a date with another banned nationality—Nigerian. Here is what that yielded:

We spoke briefly on the phone a few days before our date. I found it quite difficult to understand him through the dense fog of his Nigerian accent. We chose a day, I told him to pick the place and get back to me. His choice was a chain restaurant at one of the busiest malls in the GTA(A few days before Christmas? Are you mad?) I wrote back and told him to choose somewhere else. Oh, and choose he did...

This next day(the day of our date) I received a text message(while at work) from Lagos with the co-ordinates for our new date location. I stared at my phone in disbelief. It said" Let's meet @ Hooters @ 7:30pm." Scusi? For my non-North American readers click here to familiarize yourself with this fine dining establishment. I bitched and moaned all day. I told all my co-workers about it. They informed me that this particular location was located near this tawdry gentleman's club. At that point, I decided I would bring scissors or a sharpened pencil with me, just in case.

 You may ask yourself why I went on this date; I'll be completely frank: 1)I am running out of time. 2)The blog has sucked lately and I knew it would make for good material.3) I needed a laugh.

I arrived before he did. When I walked in my skin immediately began to itch. I sat at a booth and  noticed that instead of napkins, they had rolls of paper towel at each table. I let out a deep, audible sigh. I am sure the other patrons wondered why such a regal woman like myself, was dining at such an unseemly place. A few minutes later, Lagos arrived.

He looked the same as his picture—squnity eyed and bulbous nosed. His eyes were a shade of red that I could only describe as...menstrual. It's nice when a man smokes up before your date and then douses himself in cologne to hide any trace. He said he wasn't very hungry. I perused the peasant menu and ordered the chicken wings and quesidillas. We spoke of our lives. He said that he lived out west before coming to Toronto. He spoke of travelling to Saskatchewan: Saskatoon, Regina and Medicine hat. I asked what he did in those god-forsaken places(I KID). He said he and his friends were conducting business. When I inquired what type of business he said" you know, business". Mmmhmm.

I noticed him looking at his watch several times. I also noticed him looking at our waitress' ass on more than one occasion. Classy... He spoke of partying at douchey places, his family and friends. He ate some of the chicken wings and proceeded to run his tongue along his teeth(trying to remove chicken wing debris.) He asked the waitress for a toothpick. He proceeded to pick his teeth at the table. That toothpick remained in his mouth the remainder of the date. As I watched him swirl it around his mouth, I envisioned myself jamming it up his nostril until it disappeared.

 I told him I had to meet a friend later on. I did "the reach", but he grabbed the bill and paid it. The waitress asked if he needed change. He said no. He seemed to think that was pretty noble. You took me to Hooters. There is nothing noble in that.

We said our goodbyes. A few minutes later I receive at text saying" It was nice hangin wit u." Were we on the same date?

Tuesday, December 21, 2010

#23-My hair journey

#23 on my list requires me to stop using chemical relaxer. I didn't really think that one out too well...I saw this (skip to the 5 min mark) and immediately decided that I would stop using it.

I've gone through so many hair colours and styles, and I thought rocking my hair natural would be easy breezy.

For the first few months of the year, I was fine because I wore weaves and I didn't need to chemically straighten my hair. Upon removing the weave, my hair was completely in its natural state. I thought it would be a new freeing experience for me. I haven't had my hair "natural" since the age of twelve. The moment I ran an afro-pic through it, memories of weekly torture sessions with my mother combing out my hair resurfaced.

I lasted  a total of 48hrs before I called my friend and asked her relax my hair for me. We decided that I should texturize my hair instead(texturizer is a milder form of relaxer, that loosens the curl pattern instead of completely straightening it.) Previously, I would relax my hair every 8 weeks on the dot. Now I texturize it once every 12 weeks, or longer.

I consider this one a fail because texturizer still contains sodium hydroxide. Its just milder. I'm slowly trying to wean myself off the creamy crack. It's just going to take longer than I thought...

Monday, December 20, 2010

Date#20

 So little time, so many dates... It's as cold outside, as it is in my heart, but I am determined to get these dates done.

Codename:Jammin
Age:34
Nationality: Canadian(Jamaican descent)
Occupation:Marketing

The ban on the coffee shop dates makes things very difficult for me. It means the days of 40 minute dates are over. It means I have to sit through an appetizer...and a main and nauseating conversation. Luckily, this one was drinks only.

We met at a small bar. I didn't look my best(frankly, I didn't care to). We sat in a quiet corner. He was average build, square-ish head and nostrils that I could drive a school bus into. The conversation flowed easily enough. He said he liked sports and PS3.  He spoke mostly of himself and business plans. He made a crack about me being of Guyanese descent. I thought about putting arsenic or a roofie in his drink, when he stepped away to use the men's room. He was in there for quite a while. I suspect one of three things happened in that bathroom:1)He took a pooper, 2)He went for a wank, 3)He was messaging his friends, telling them about his horrible date.

Shortly after he came back, he said he had to get up pretty early. I said I had to go home and groom my cats. (I said it solely for my own entertainment. I don't own any cats, nor have the desire to.) He paid the bill. We shook hands and said goodbye, neither of us mentioning a future rendezvous.

Friday, December 17, 2010

don't hate me

Hi! Please love me. As I mentioned befrore, there are no dates until next week and I'm not feeling too prolific with the writing. My youth is running out. Only seven weeks left...

Tuesday, December 14, 2010

hi!

Hola! I've got a busy week ahead, which means no time for dates(I know I am f**ked!). Just a little update...I'll be going out with Handkerchief again shortly. Tomorrow, there will be a post about #23 on my list. For now Deuces!

Thursday, December 9, 2010

Conversation with my brother on bbm #4

Hello friends! I'm in a more chipper mood today. I've decided to share another BBM conversation with my brother. People seem to find them enjoyable. And yes, we really do speak to one another like this.

I let my brother borrow one of my favourite books "The book of Negroes" almost a year ago. It's still in his possession. I also want to point out that he was off work for several weeks(with an injury) so there was ample time to complete it.

Bro:Did you know the hard copy "Book of Negroes" has illustrations?

Me:Really? You haven't even finished the paperback, so why does it matter? Perhaps it would have been an easier read for you.

Bro:Yeah. I saw it today from this woman I work with. Its much nicer. And yes, it would be easier but the thing weighs a ton.

Me:How far along are you?

Bro:You know...far enough. Massa strips Amanita of her clothing and dignity in front of everyone.

I send my brother a picture of a pork hock(he detests swine)


Bro:That is effing disgusting!!!! WTF is that being used for...witchcraft?

Me:Its been like a year since I gave you the book.
Pork hocks are very flavourful. That's your Christmas dinner.

Bro:Time is not of consequence when one is slowly savouring literature.

Me:It is when I roll up on you and take my bloodclawt book back

Bro:To offer me that vileness(swine) would be a figurative spitting in my face!

Me:Its not wine. Its a book. How about a literal spit in your face? I want my book back!

Bro:Bring me the hardcover and you can have your book back. Those are my terms.

Me:Unhand my book you philistine! It shall be mine again shortly. Because of your bad behaviour your son is going to get a lump of coal for that unmentionable holiday.

Bro:The sins of the father should not be revisited upon the son.

Me:Fine. He'll get some new flute songs.

My year old nephew thoroughly enjoys my flute recordings. My brother and sister-in-law, finding it highly disturbing.

Bro:NOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!

Me: He likes them. Too bad.

Bro:So we must all suffer because of his apparent affinity for simpleton melodies?

Me:If you mean to deprive your son of something that brings him indescribable joy, so be it.

Bro:Don't paint me with a fascist brush!

Me:If the shoe fits...Off to make new songs!

Wednesday, December 8, 2010

ABC

While perusing the pages of guys who messaged me on POF, I spotted something interesting. One of the turdbaskets had created an alphabetical list of qualities that he's looking for in a woman. He filled it with asinine things like A-asian, B-black, N-nice tits. I liked the idea, but I decided my should be a bit more sophisticated(with a smidgen of my usual vulgarity thrown in for good measure). Here it is:

Astute
Brave
Cunnilingus(gifted in the art of)
Decisive
Emotionally available
Fuckable
Good-looking
Honest
Insatiable
Jovial
Kind
Loving
Mischievous
Naughty
Open-minded
Polite
Quick-witted
Respectful
Sensual
Traveller
Unencumbered
Vivacious
Well hung
Xanadu(don't have any X words...)
Youthful
Zesty

Tuesday, December 7, 2010

Meeting new people

My friend M.R is on a mission to find me a "Perma-dick". She's providing me with helpful tips and sent me this link. It's only three things. I'm willing to try them.

1. Join a group-I'm not sure I would find the sort of man I'm interested in a club or group. What would I join? Maybe a bird watching group...

2.Volunteer- Great suggestion! I'm on it!

3.Go out alone- This one is a bit tricky. I've gone out to a restaurant or even out dancing by myself while travelling; In my own city—NEVER! If I can do it half-way around the world, why not here? I've always been a bit of a lone wolf, so it shouldn't be too difficult.

If anyone else has any suggestions, feel free to leave them in the comments section. Remember, be kind or I will rip you a new asshole. I'm in the midst of a cyclical mood swing. Don't f**k with me today.

Date#19 The last of the coffee shop dates

I just had a great Skype session with my dear friend Stephanie. I told her about last week's dates. She banned me from going on anymore coffee shop dates. I  have to agree. I go on them because I know they'll be quick and less painful. She ripped me a new one(as she often does), telling me these men put forth no effort and don't deserve my time. The next 11 dates will NOT be coffee shop dates!

Codename:Cornwall
Age:32
Occupation:Project manager
Nationality:Canadian(Caucasian)

This one was an E Harmony find. You would think after filling out an exhaustive questionnaire, this method would yield better results. It didn't. The free trial is over. I have no intention of paying for a membership.

His sandy brown hair looked like a porcupine quills. He wore a striped dress shirt with a sweater vest over it. He had country-farm-virgin written all over him. He seemed a bit nervous. He said he had just joined the website and that I was his first date(with someone he met online). He told me I was very pretty. I said thank-you. I'm not going to be mean because he was very nice. He just...wasn't...I think he needs a Mormon girl or something. I put him out of his misery and ended the date at 38mins. I made up some lame excuse and met friends for drinks.

Sunday, December 5, 2010

Date#18

Sorry once again peeps. Its been a week of dismal dates. I didn't make it to five dates this week. This is due to missing out on speed dating(a friend and I messed up the timing and location). The other date fell through when I realized he was an idiot and I deleted him from my BBM. So, I only ended up with three dates this week. All of them were...special. These dates happened earlier in the week, but  I found myself suffering from a massive case of writer's block. I had things to write about, but I found myself sitting, staring at the blank screen. I feel like I'm not really present on these dates. That's probably why they are so horrid. Anywhoo, here it is:

Codename:Dud
Age:34
Occupation: Can't remember
Nationality: Canadian(Caucasian)

Another date that involved coffee beans. We met at a coffee shop in my area because I was low on gas and didn't feel like travelling. He was there before me. He was even pastier in person. His complexion resembled that of buttermilk. He looked very straight-laced. We started chatting and the inevitable Christmas topic came up. He asked me if I started my shopping. I replied that I didn't having any shopping to do. He asked why. I told him that I don't celebrate Christmas. He asked if I was a Jehovah's witness. I told him I was an atheist. His countenance changed. He said he was Anglican. He asked what I do during Christmas. I told him I invite other atheists over and we burn Christmas trees and pictures of Santa. He didn't find my joke too amusing. After that it was pretty awkward. This one lasted about 55mins.

Wednesday, December 1, 2010

Date#17

Sorry for the tardiness. I went on this date on Sunday, but it was dismal as usual so I wasn't in the mood to write about it.  I had one lined up for Monday but he ended up being a turdbasket, so the date never happened.Here i\is #17:

Codename:DesiFest
Age:28
Occupation:Engineer
Nationality:Indian-Canadian

Another coffee shop date. It has come to the point where I actually start suggesting them. I know they"ll be quick and less painful.

We met at a big chain coffee shop. I knew there was no chance, the moment I laid eyes on him. He wore a navy sweater and jeans, not ugly, but definitely not a looker. We discussed many things. I told him that I plan on going to India. He told me I was crazy and that I would get robbed or worse. He suggested that I wait until he's going and he would be my guide. I'll pass. He was very intelligent, but not the least bit modest about it. It was a complete turn off. I finished my large tea and our date. A total of 47 mins(yes I do time them).

Friday, November 26, 2010

#11

Forgive and speak up

From childhood, I have always been a little shy, sheepish and afraid to ask for what I want or speak out. My mother consistently tried to break me from this habit, to no avail. I would always repress my thoughts because I feared I was being too judgemental and that it was better to mull it over before speaking out(which never happened). Instead, what I would do was internalize the problem until it reached a boiling point. If I felt someone wronged me, I would usually disappear instead of confronting them. I knew it was bad habit and it sometimes lead to passive aggressive behaviour.

There have been several instances this year when I spoke my mind, as difficult as it was. Sometimes the outcome wasn't as bad as I imagined, in other instances...it was. I still believe in exercising caution before speaking, but now I do it with less reservation.

Thursday, November 25, 2010

Five dates in one week...

How do I follow a post like Josh's? His post has inspired me to work harder on my journey. You should know by now that I am a consummate procrastinator... so I'm on a tight schedule and my injury doesn't make things any easier. I'm off work for a bit, so I have a lot of free time. I'm working on a couple of things that I have been putting off, but also I will attempt a giant feat...five dates in one week! To some(Stephanie) this may seem like nothing. Remember, this is coming from a girl who went on two dates in 2009.

As I told you, I joined E Harmony. I'm not sure how I'm going to handle this situation. A couple of men have requested communication, but I can't see what they look like( I would have to pay in order to see their pictures and we all know that's not happening). Perhaps I should dash my shallow ways and go into it blind?
What if I have a great rapport with someone online, we meet and he looks like Quasimodo? This could make things very interesting...What the hell! I'm going to do it! Quasimodo, here I come!

Wednesday, November 24, 2010

Joshua James Ogilvie

I met the dashing J.J.O whilst travelling with my dear friend E. We were staying at a charming B&B in Palermo, Sicily. The night before our departure we noticed a new sojourner checking in. We kept a close eye— deducing stories of his origin and likeness. The next day E and I checked out, but had hours to kill before our train departed. We decided to pass the time in the common room and there he was. The three of us sat in silence; BBC news blasting on the television, until one faithful moment when E asked " do you mind if I change to MTV?" and the rest is history. We spent the next five odd hours chatting, dancing, getting drunk of limoncella and vino. We also had one of the most epic photo shoots of all time called "Sexy time in Palermo".  Our time came to an end. He walked us to the train station, helped us with our bags and we said our goodbyes. As the train pulled away Mr.Ogilivie dropped his pants(knickers on of course!) and ran along side the train until out of view.  He is a world class traveller and one of the few true gentlemen left in the world. Ladies and gents I present to you Joshua James Ogilivie:


How do we celebrate the end days? It’s over at thirty right? Right! I mean that’s what they say and because I’m 30 I care what they think, or at least what they think about me. See at the age of twenty we don’t care what the world thinks of us, at thirty we worry what it’s thinking of us. I’m told at forty we come to the frustrating conclusion that the world wasn’t ever thinking of us at all. Marlene’s borderline thirty, she cares what we think, that’s why she’s got a bucket list and is documenting her intrepid ride to the brink of relevance. Have a look at some synonyms for the word intrepid – bold, fearless, courageous… I love that it takes those traits to successfully deal with the reality of this terrifying landmark. For what it’s worth Marls, you’re doing well ya little trooper.


The thirtieth year of my life had been my most extraordinary yet. It was punctuated by a move to Shanghai and having the thrill of participating in (a Chinese production of) The Amazing Race. It was an astonishingly rewarding experience, the time of my life. But I came second, lost by four minutes and don’t want to talk about it, digressing…

For my thirtieth birthday I decided to indulge my fervor for travel by flying from Melbourne to Shanghai. Breakfast with the family at home, 10 hours of free drinks and entertainment at altitude and an arrival in Shanghai just in time for dinner and a cheeky bar crawl through the French Concession. Perfect. Problem is every time I board a plane, I lament the absence of glamour in the whole affair. Watch Catch Me If You Can as a reminder of how stylish traveling used to be. In the 1960’s flying truly was the future, it was a luxury, and people dressed for the occasion. And could they dress! The airports were stylish, the stewardesses were stylish (and they were gorgeous), and the passengers were stylish. Nowadays people fly in their goddamn pajamas because they want to be “comfortable”. It’s embarrassing. The future was going to be so cool, and look what we did to it.

When I buckle in I think “forget the chubby man next to me who - going by his attire - got lost somewhere between his bedroom and the toilet, who has sauce on his chin and is surely minutes away from falling into a food coma and possibly into my lap. I’m keeping it classy up in here!” I block out the emergency briefing by dialing in The Rat Pack – Live at the Sands on the iPhone and as soon as we reach altitude I order a Martini and try to ignore the plastic cup it’s served in. Deano and Sinatra will be my drinking buddies because I’m flying and I’ll be damned if it’s going to be anything less than glamorous and stylish.

I like drinking Martini’s mid-flight, because I like letting the weather dictate my drink. Sunny day in London – it’s got to be Pimm’s and lemonade. Okay with a finger of Gin too… because you twisted my arm. Flying is much the same – when the seatbelt light comes on, it’s the bar telling me “until further notice, Martini’s will be served shaken and not stirred”. If it’s good enough for Bond.

My birthday was October 14th. In the weeks since I’ve signed on to host a Travel Show for Chinese television. I like Chinese TV because (thanks to a 1.2bn population) even the shit shows get watched by 20 million people. I also had my first crack at live TV, made a music video, got auctioned off for charity, bought another Bell & Ross, crashed a motorbike and (justifiably) got in hot water from my passenger for concerning myself with the welfare of the bike before theirs. It’s a fucking great bike… and they were both okay. I’ve scared the shit out of some children at Halloween and then scared the shit out of myself by waking up blue the next day having forgotten that I’d hit the town dressed as a Smurf and I’ve reached new levels of fitness – smashing the myth that at thirty the body gains a mind of its own.

So life’s over at thirty? Nah mate, this is life at its fullest – no longer slaves to dreams and not yet servants of regret. The journey only starts here.

Ironically in my birth week I found out my father is at the end of the road. Life always has a way to keep you grounded and of reminding you that it’s a precious bloody gift that we never asked for but have kind of grown to love and, well, depend on. Doctor’s expect he’s got six months left on this rock - this has become his intrepid journey to the real thirty. So how’s he celebrating the end days? For those paying attention that was the original question right? Boozy lunches and fishing trips with his old mates. And who would begrudge him that. He’s so busy living now it’s like he was dead before. Bless him. He’s setting the tone for the rest of us, keep living till you can’t anymore and remember that your attitude should dictate your circumstance and never the other way around. Oh and for God’s sake keep it classy because if you don’t you’re killing the future!!

Some final advice for those who can’t get their head around the above, remember you’re only as old as the person you wake up next to. In saying that, don’t search for the fountain of youth drunk because you might wake up young, but hating the way you look. Yeah you’ve been there…

I’m Josh Ogilvie and I’m 23.



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Tuesday, November 23, 2010

E Harmony

Many people have told me to try this site. I never did because you have to pay for it(Yes, I'm a cheapass) and I have gotten mixed reviews. Apparently, they have a free trial at the until the end of November. Free= I'm trying it! I will let you know if I meet the love of my life.

Monday, November 22, 2010

WHY?

So on Friday evening, I went to fetch the mail. I tripped on a curb and severely sprained my ankle. I sprained the same ankle last year and it never healed properly. I lay on the curb in agony, with my mail strewn across the street. Several cars drove by me—no one stopped. It occurred to me that people in my neighbourhood are wankers.  I called my brother(who lives fairly close by) and he came about 15 minutes later. In that time I managed to hobble across the street. He was appalled that no one stopped to help me. Saturday morning, I was to attend a boot camp class with a former trainer. I left her message. I am sure she thinks I'm a big fat liar.

 I spent most of Saturday unwashed, hair uncombed, foot elevated and iced, and cursing all of humanity. Sunday was much of the same. I wondered how I could exercise or go on dates with a swollen ankle and menacing limp? Today, I am in a better mood(partly because of a visit with a friend). It's only a sprained ankle. With care and attention, it will get be back to normal soon. My dates should be very interesting...

Friday, November 19, 2010

POF

This dude sent me a message. I thought his face wasn't bad. I clicked on his profile to find this:

BUT ON THE REAL IF YOU A LIAR, FAKE, OR THINK YOU GROWN BUT YOUR NOT. DONT WASTE YA TIME CUASE YOU WONT LIKE ME :) and yes im taling to all you lil gold diggers who think ya games on lock. it may work with theese dumb boys but for anyone real knows you can only be fake for soo long till the truth comes to light. FOR EVERYONE ELSE ITS ALL LUv.

i like smart, intellegent people. BRAINS IS BEAUTIFUL AND KNOWLEDGE IS KING. SKYS THE LIMIT. SO NO MAN IS BETTER THAN THE NEXT ITS JUST SOME JUST CHOOSE TO SHINE BRIGHTER THAN OTHERS

OK IM SORRY TO SAY MOST TDOT WOMEN A DUMB. BRAIN WASHED BY BET LOL. THATS WHY THEY WOULD BE MORE FOCUSED ON HATIN ON A NEXT GIRL AND TRYIN TO LOOK BETTER THAN THE NEXT GIRL. GET FOCUED WOMEN ITS ABOUT BETTERING YOURSELF AND YOUR PEOPLE. LETS SEE IF YOU CAN TAKE YA FAKENESS INTO THE NEXT LIFE TIME. ANOTHER THING IS I DONT GET WHY PEOPLE TRY TO LOOK FOR RELATIONSHIPS, WE NEVER FIND WHAT WE LOOK FOR IN THIS LIFE TIME, THINGS FALL INTO PLACE WHEN THE TIME IS RIGHT. AND LOOKING FOR LOVE AINT SOMETHING TO LOOK FOR. NEVER HEARD OF ANYONE WHO LOOKED FOR LOVE AND FOUND IT. LOVE IS SOPOSE TO FIND YOU, ELEVATE YOUR MINDS PEOPLE. AND SORRY BUT I GOT TO GET AT BLACK PEOPLE WE ARE BEING LEFT BEHIND. DONT FALL INTO THE BET TRAP WE ARE BETTER THAN DRUG DEALER AND HOES. WE ARE BETTER THAN NICE CARS AND BLING. WE NEED TO STOP HATE ON EACH OTHER AND HELP ONE ANOTHER TO GROW AND COME ABOVE ALL THE HATE INSTILLED IN US FROM SLAVARY. IF YOU HATE I CAN CARE LESS

Bitter and jaded much? There is something very hostile about ALL CAPS. Isn't it a little hypocritical to tell people not to look for love, when you have a profile on a dating website?  I don't really have the energy to dissect this any further. Maybe a visit with my nephew Boobers will calm my nerves.

Thursday, November 18, 2010

ZIE LIST #1

SMOKE A CIGAR

I never had any desire to smoke one. I hate the smell. I know its something so simple and I could have done it at home, but I envisioned myself in a tropical setting. I had a somewhat freshly rolled Domincan cigar. When I tried it, I thought I would choke(I don't smoke...anything). Surprisingly, I was a natural. The  guy at the store told me I looked like a pro(I'm not sure what kind pro he meant). I purchased a few but I don't really want them. Anyone want some Domincan cigars?

Intense

My dear friend Stephanie is headed to London for a meditation retreat. Its ten days of silence. . She asked me a while ago if I wanted to join her. I asked her if she wanted me to stab her in the eye. Here is the schedule: ‎
4:00 am Morning wake-up bell

4:30-6:30 am Meditate in the hall or in your room
6:30-8:00 am Breakfast break
8:00-9:00 am Group meditation in the hall
9:00-11:00 am Meditate in the hall or in your room according to t...he teacher's instructions
11:00-12:00 noon Lunch break
12noon-1:00 pm Rest and interviews with the teacher
1:00-2:30 pm Meditate in the hall or in your room
2:30-3:30 pm Group meditation in the hall
3:30-5:00 pm Meditate in the hall or in your own room according to the teacher's instructions
5:00-6:00 pm Tea break
6:00-7:00 pm Group meditation in the hall
7:00-8:15 pm Teacher's Discourse in the hall
8:15-9:00 pm Group meditation in the hall
9:00-9:30 pm Question time in the hall
9:30 pm Retire to your own room--Lights out

Ummmm.....Where is dinner? Stephanie you inspire me! She will write about her experience upon her return. I am going to meditation class tonight!

Wednesday, November 17, 2010

Date#16

Codename:El Greco
Occupation:Entrepreneur
Age:32
Nationality: Greek-Canadian
Height: 5'10


This was a last minute date. I was supposed to meet with a friend, but she cancelled on me. This dude had been on my nut sack, so I thought I'd give him a try. I put a ban on Greek guys a long time ago(don't get offended—I also have a ban on Nigerians, Russians, Romanians, and Vietnamese guys). I thought I would squash my prejudice for a moment.

It was another coffee shop date. It rained all evening. I was tempted to cancel. He suggested coming to my area, I said I would come to his(in case I ran into anyone I knew or he tried to follow me home). He was four minutes late and his cologne arrived before he did. He had short dark hair, olive skin, big brown eyes and a copious amount of hair product; I imagined that if I ran my hands through it, I could then lotion my body and wax a car. He wore jeans with some weird wash and one of his fanciest t-shirts.

As soon as he opened his mouth I knew it would go nowhere. We talked about his business, Greece and how it has the best beaches, people, music, etc... I love my Greek homies and appreciate Greek culture. What I don't appreciate is turdbaskets who toot their own horns excessively. He said that he's always wanted to date a black girl. I smiled faintly(hiding my disdain and the urge to stab him in his eye). I asked him if he would bring one home. He said that most likely he's going to marry a Greek or European girl. Thanks for your honesty, but why are you wasting my blooclawt time? He asked me if I like Greek guys. I said no.

It ended soon after. I think the ban will be reinforced.

Monday, November 15, 2010

POF

Le sigh...

mma83:your beautifulllllllllll
How many times can I stress the difference between your and you're? I'm going to burst a blood vessel if I think about it any longer. Telling me I'm beautiful isn't enough? Must you and 10 extra L's for emphasis?

wanting: uh holy boobs and face batman!
Yes, you're quite right—both are magnificent. Only some sort of uncultured philistine would think such a vulgar message is a suitable opening line. Kill me.

docman: i am the genuine men you are looking for look no father wright back if you can
???????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????
 I sincerely hope English is not his first language. His profile said he has a masters degree. Are they doling that shit out for free? Where can I procure one?

cuteguy29:hey babe just wanted 2 let u know u are really beautiful just wanted 2 know if u like 2 talk sometime get 2 know eachother and see where it goes if u do babe msg back if not it is cool babe and happy fishing....
This guy has messaged me several times. Each time I blocked him. I assume that he keeps creating new accounts because he thinks I'll forget how ghastly he was the previous time. He looks like an emaciated Vanilla Ice. We all know I like them hungry looking, but I have to draw the line somewhere. He seems to like the number 2 quite a bit. Maybe he wants me to shit on him?

Friday, November 12, 2010

I'm back

Hola muchachos! I 'm back from a short stint in the Dominican Republic. It was a working vacation(a little work but mostly play). When I was informed of where I would be staying, I googled it immediately and jizzed in my pants. When I travel, I am usually on a tight budget and tend to skimp on accommodation

I stayed at Casa Kimball, located on the north side of the island. This 20,000 square foot villa is owned by Spencer Kimball(one of the founders of Google, who is apparently single and needs to be my first husband) and designed by Rangr Studios. I'm not adept at describing architecture but it was AMAZING!

I was taken to my room, I immediatley took off my clothes and headed for the rain shower. The mirror was directly across from me, so I lathered up, danced and sang all while looking at myself. It was great.

I realized something on this trip. Spencer Kimball needs to be my first husband. After the marriage ends in a bitter divorce, I will take Casa Kimball from him and then it will become a sort of harem for me and all my Domincan boy toys. Must. Make. It. Happen.

Friday, November 5, 2010

Deuces!

I'll be out of town for a few days. I'm headed somewhere warm. I bought a $7.40 bathing suit that prominently displays my back-fat. Ah well. I won't be looking at it. What is proper bathing suit protocol? Do I need to bring a few or can I just wash the same damn bathing suit and wear that bitch everyday? Anywhoo, peace out!

Dating

My friend Stephanie ripped me a new a**hole in the comments section of date#15. I deserved it. I complain about meeting turdbaskets and when a nice young man steps into the picture, I sabotage it. I will try harder, but if there is no fire down below, what's a girl to do? Edelweiss may come back into the picture. Things could get interesting...

Thursday, November 4, 2010

Date#15-Half-way there

Codename:handkerchief
Nationality:Chinese-Canadian
Occupation:Defence contractor
Age:28


Here we are, half-way done. It has taken me forever and a day to get here. This is date#2 with Handkerchief.


We went to watch the Social Network. I almost cancelled because I was tired and I'm coming down with a cold. I cancelled on him earlier in the week and I would be a major turd if I did it again. He drove to my area. I was there early waiting in my car, sending people annoying BBM messages. My Facebook updates lit up: he requested me as a friend. Now, he is a great guy, but I have a very firm rule: I do not add POF guys to my Facebook page. I have a link to my blog and I also don't want them to see me in all my glory. I'm not sure how he found me because I don't recall telling him my last name(and I am sure you've guessed by now that my real name is not Rhodesia).

Anywhoo, we met inside the theatre. He came dressed from work in a suit, I looked like a bag lady. We got our tickets and made a trip to the concession stand. He ordered a kids popcorn deal that came with a Kinder suprise. I mocked him. We sat in cinema #17 catching up on each others lives for about ten minutes before the movie started. He told me that he added me on Facebook. I cringed inside as I explained why I couldn't(or wouldn't) add him. He said he was OK with it, but I think he was a bit disappointed.

 The movie started he offered me some of his popcorn, I declined at first(because movie theatre popcorn makes me constipated). I offered him some of my banana bread(which I snuck because I always bring my own snacks to movies). I feel relaxed with him, but I just don't know if I'm ready for what he is looking for. During the movie, he kept glancing over at me(like every five minutes). He asked me if I was OK a couple of times—I am watching the blasted movie! I don't have time to stare into someones eyes longingly.

The movie ended. We chatted a bit more as he walked me to my car. I gave him a hug and we parted. I like him but I just don't know if he's for me.

Wednesday, November 3, 2010

Hola

What up peeps? I've got another date with Handkerchief tonight. I'll keep you posted. Originally, I was supposed to go on 30 dates, with 30 different men. As you know, many most of my dates have been horrendous. I had a decent one the other day. I've decided to change it to 30 dates—period.

Saturday, October 30, 2010

Conversation with my brother on bbm #3

My brother sends me a picture of a bird perched on his front lawn. My friend Zahara says we are not normal.

Me: What kind of bird is that?

Bro: A hawk, I think. I watched it catch prey(a smaller bird) and devour it

Me: Liar. You dressed up a f**kin loon. Def not a hawk

Bro: HAHA! If you saw the wingspan you would know. A loon has a beak like a hawk fooclawt

Me: That ain't no hawk. It looks too dainty

Bro: Then it was an eagle! Don't you dare call an eagle dainty!

Me: If that's an eagle, I'm the bloodclawt queen of England. I saw a raven the other day. Now that's a bird. Dark and ominous like me

Bro: A raven is nearly as common as a seagull. So by extension you are common

Me: Scusi? I don't think so"Quoth the raven, `Nevermore". Edgar Allen Poe wrote a beautiful poem about a raven. Its a rare beauty, like me. I am anything but common

Bro: I liken a raven to bad omens. So I guess it is rare in that sense

Me: Misunderstood like me. Someone must be the bearer of bad news. If I were a bird, I would be a raven and I would peck the shit out of doves and blue jays.

Bro: Bahahahaha. Wow, you sure are rare...rarely decent

Me: Touché. Maybe I'll be a raven for Halloween

Bro: I would like to see that

Me: What if I just wear a black cape and some feathers, hover over people and tell them they are going to die?

Date#14

Codename:handkerchief
Nationality:Chinese-Canadian
Occupation:Defence contractorAge:28



Handkerchief was my very first Asian. Out of the many men that have messaged me over the past 6+ months, I would say less that 5% have been Asian. I have always(well not always) been open to dating men of all nationalities.


The goods:
We met at a Thai restaurant in the Annex(yeah dinner!) I was fifteen minutes late. I came rushing in and there he sat in plaid blazer, dress shirt and perfectly placed handkerchief peeking out of the breast pocket of his blazer. He's not my usual type but I thought he was cute(better than his picture). He was about 5'10, average build, short black hair and glasses. He stood as I approached. He helped me take off my coat and pulled out my chair(points!).

We perused the menu and decided to share a couple of dishes. He had a beer and I had a cold ginger beverage. We dined on green curry and tofu. We conversed about many different things. At times it was difficult to hear, as the restaurant was crowded and the adjacent tables were very close( I am sure they were listening to our conversation). I would say there was a good rapport. I broke protocol for the first time... I told him about the blog! I KNOW! I didn't give him the address, but I explained the premise. He seemed like a nice guy, so I thought I would be honest. I told him he was number 14. He said he felt used. He wanted to know to rules; If I could go on the remainder of the dates with him. I explained that I couldn't. He said that meant that I am unavailable until my little project is over. Pretty much.

The bill came. I asked him to pass my purse(the compulsory reach), he refused(YES! I got a meal and I didn't have to pay.) We decided to go for coffee. We got up to leave, he helped me put on my coat and opened the door. He was a true gentleman. We went for tea and a more quiet chat. I ordered a peppermint tea, he ordered hot chocolate. When the tea arrived and I saw that it was fresh peppermint tea I nearly jizzed in my pants(this is one of my favourite things). We stayed for about an hour and then he walked me to my car. We hugged and promised that we would do it again soon.

I had a good time. He's intelligent, he likes to travel, he knows how to salsa and  how to treat a lady. I just don't know if I'm attracted to him. I do know that I would definitely go out with him again.

Thursday, October 28, 2010

Ten Twenty-Eight

Today is a glorious day! The Sound of Music cast reunites on Oprah, I've got a date and its my nephew Boobers first birthday. Amazing!

Tuesday, October 26, 2010

Blow me

Someone finally found this  post offensive enough to comment. I have no problem with people being critical. Just come correct, that's all.


Comment: hater . Ganguro is bad ass cuz they makin a serious statement about conforming to the "norm". Im rocking it for halloween. I actually seen those 2 girls out before and their hot & very sweet SO YOU CAN STOP slandering their name. & what is really wrong with wearing nude lip stick? Most women wear it. Do you have a mother?

My thoughts:

Dear Anonymous,

I am sorry if I offended your peasant sensibilites. This blog is a dictatorship. Its filled with my ramblings and diatribes about things I enjoy or loathe. One of the things I find unappealing, you seem to hold dear to your heart. I was merely expressing my opinion.

"Ganguro is bad ass cuz they makin a serious statement about conforming to the 'norm'. " Do you know what else is bad-ass? Possessing astute knowledge of the English language and the ability to express yourself in a clear manner—a skill you obviously lack. Did you mean to say that Ganguro are making a statement by not conforming to societal norms? If you find the Ganguro look so appealing, why wait until Halloween to rock it? Make it your everyday look.

I meant no slight against the two girls in the picture. I simply Googled pale lips and guidettes and their picture came up. Please look up the meaning of slander. In order for me to slander someones name, I must know it. I don't see anything wrong with nude lipstick—its jizz mouth I oppose(there is a vast difference). I was wondering how you came about your assertion that "most women wear it"? Did you carry out some sort of informal poll of fellow putanas in your area?

I do have a mother. I don't see the correlation between the rest of your rant and having a mother. Please clarify. Lastly, blow me and get the f**k off my blog. Good day!

Monday, October 25, 2010

I shall return to you in the night

Swine passed my lips this weekend. A friend and I dined at a restaurant I had been to before. I recalled that their pulled pork appetizer was orgasmic. She didn't want to order it and lead me into temptation. I insisted. When the sweet, shredded piglet arrived at the table, it was as if a light shone upon her and angels sang in blissful harmony. I spread her onto a crispy wanton chip and took in her awesome beauty for a moment.  She entered my mouth— with no protest. My mandible clenched down upon her, molars masticated, taste buds rose, I swallowed. Bliss.

 I must tell you that I drank absinthe before dinner. This could have impaired my judgement( I usually have poor judgement anyway). I also shared a bottle of wine with my friend during dinner...I also had a couple of drinks when I went out dancing, later that evening. I came home very inebriated. I don't drink often.When I do, I tend to make up for lost time. Since the cleanse, I have noticed that my usual inexhaustible tolerance level has diminished. I became ill and watched little piglet swirl away as I flushed her(and all of my stomach's contents) down the toilet. We were reunited for a brief moment, sweet morsel.

Friday, October 22, 2010

Question

Where can one get an absinthe spoon in Toronto by tomorrow?

Trying not to get discouraged

With every date I go on, the light inside my teflon encased heart, dims just a little bit more. I ask myself questions like:Is it me? What am I doing wrong? Is my virginal beauty too much for them to handle? I know, it's lunacy to even ask those questions. I just simply have to believe that he's out there. I try not to judge these men, that I go on dates with. They are, after all on the same quest— to find a match. What if there is no match for me?

Question

Who is reading this blog in Slovenia? Ahoj! Please don't leave me.

Thursday, October 21, 2010

Date#13

Codename: Francois
Nationailty:French(West-African descent)
Occupation:student
Age:32


Yet another coffee shop date. I drove 25km after a long day(I was on the verge of cancelling) to meet him for a non-meal. We met at one of the big chain coffee houses. He was on time. He wasn't unattractive. Dark chocolate complexion, nice smile. He wore a striped shirt and jeans. He spoke with a thick french accent and asked me several times if I spoke french. No! Je ne parle pas français! There were many awkward silences. Many. Did I say many? He told me what is studying and I didn't really understand what the ras he said, so I just nodded and smiled. He actually ended it and said he had to study...OUCH! I usually end them. It lasted just over an hour. I hate this shite.

When will I find my Prince(or Prince Rogers Nelson)?

Tuesday, October 19, 2010

#27 Meditation

I am proud to say that I have been meditating everyday, for the past few months. In the beginning, I thought you had to meditate for substantial amounts of time for it to considered meditation. I was informed that a few minutes of meditation daily is more beneficial that an hour once in a while. I found going to the Shambala centre helped me in my pratice. I won't cross it off yet. I meditate for five to ten minutes in the morning and also in the evening. I'm getting there.

Monday, October 18, 2010

Don't give up on me yet

There are some interesting things coming. Still only hovering between 190-192 fans. It hurts. Why don't you love me? Two dates are planned for this week, both seem equally annoying.

VERITAS

I forgot to wear deodorant the other day. I only became aware of this when I lifted my arm to grab something and noticed that I wasn't as fragrant as usual. I kept my arms at my sides for the remainder of the day. When I arrived home, I did a sniff test and noted the subtle nuances of my own personal aroma: nutty, woodsy, pungently sweet(not really). I thought it pointless to put on deodorant at that point because I was already at home. Instead, I decided to do a litmus test with post-it paper. I swatched the post-it under my arms, then I worked out and swatched again. An hour after working out I did another swatch. I compared the three samples and noted the variance in odour. It was quite interesting. I concluded that I would never forget to wear deodorant again. Episodes like this are why I will probably remain single for the rest of my life.

Sunday, October 17, 2010

VERITAS

This past week has been one of reflection. My uncle passed away after a long, arduous battle with cancer. When situations like this arise, it definitely makes you reflect on your own mortality. He was only fifty-one. He was a thin man and he didn't drink or smoke. There have been a few other instances of cancer in my family. Watching my father shovel dirt onto his younger brothers grave was a stark reminder that health, not vanity should be at the forefront of my battle to lose weight. Many studies show that people who are overweight or obese are more at risk. I remember having a dream nightmare at thriteen years old that I had ovarian cancer(strange I know).  I am going for my annual physical shortly an I feel like I'm being a bit of a hypochondriac and I'm going to stop looking things up on-line. This weekend also reminded me that family is invaluable.

Thursday, October 14, 2010

POF+PMS=BEAT IT!

I am having a cyclical mood swing again. You should know by now what kind of mood I am in. No dates until next week, sorry.

Wrangler45:It must have been a rainy day when you were born..Heaven was crying 'cus it lost its most beautiful angel!
Blow me. He couldn't be more wrong. I was born on a sunny day, at ten to noon(ready for lunch!) If I believed in a heaven, I probably wouldn't come from there. I think I would spring from the cinders of a hot, dark place.

tuttut: hi baby ;)
Who the f**k are you winking at? This one hails from New Brunswick. They really do make 'em special out there. I am not an infant, nor do I have some form of infantilism. So why does he refer to me as baby? He was not attractive. He had the complexion of Wonderbread and he wore basketball shorts and a wife-beater in his profile pic. Perhaps, if he was supremely good looking I would dress up in a diaper and bonnet and he could call me baby all he wants...

Andyb: What up! You mighty cute, but you only have pics of your face. You a big girl?
Why, yes I am rotund( like it says in my description you twat!) He actually wasn't bad looking—smash worthy actually. I read his profile and I just couldn't do it. He said things like "break you off proper" and "I be at the ball court or chillin." Yeah...but...no.

Friday, October 8, 2010

Blog

My friend Kristina put me onto this blog. Hilarious.

http://www.manrepeller.com/

Most popular posts

According to blogspot stats, these are my top three most viewed posts. The jizz mouth one really surprised me.

#1. Laser sculpted facial hair and jizz mouth. Maybe people google jizz mouth and my blog comes up.

#2.Goodbye my love. My moving love poem to swine. I guess it touched the hearts of many.

#3.Lull. I think I had slacked for a while and it was my return to insults.

#4

Drink Absinthe

I did a little tango with the green fairy last night. (For the sake of legality, let's say I was in France). A friend gave me some in a flask. My vision was to sit in a room, by myself, drink it and pretend I was Hemingway in Paris; I would write the most beautiful prose man had ever come across. I would change the world with my enlightened words...instead I wrote this incoherent gibberish:

A drop in the bucket is better than a dry empty pail.

Scusi? Where are the goats?

My complacency is alarming.

Esoteric are my words?

Absinthe my dear you are swift and crafty. Numbness of the tongue, acuteness of the mind, engorging of the vulva.

Clarity beyond the borders and restrictions of the mind. You glow. Lovelorn. Ascension. Higher heights.


Ummmmm. Wow. At the time I felt like it had no effect on me. It has a sort of anise/liquorice flavour and it burned going down. I sipped it slowly, with ice(even though I was told drink at room temperature and shots in quick succession). I honestly felt nothing until I closed my eyes, tried to sleep and saw a couple floating heads. When I read my ramblings this morning, I realized she did hit me. Oh, green fairy, you naughty little minx.

I still have a little bit left. I may share it with friends and write a nursery rhyme.

Conversation with my brother on bbm#2

This conversation happened while we sat across from one another on a commuter train.

My brother sends a picture of my nephew Boobers.

Me: Cutest baby in the history of all babies born, ever, in the entire universe.
Bro: HA! Get him some press so I don't have to work for a living.
Me: Maybe I'll write an ode to Boobers. BTW, my ankle still looks like a cankle(I sprained my ankle almost a year ago and my right foot looks like it belongs to a nonna)
Bro: You need to let me operate!
Me: No way in hell! What treatment would you provide?
Bro: I would google it and go from there.
Me: Are you nuts? You want me to entrust my health care to a pseudo doctor who is going to "google" my treatment? No thanks broke foot( my brother has a healing achilles).
Bro: "Pseudo" doctors are the new wave in health care, in the absence of real doctors. My foot is healing quite nicely with adamantium steel  implants à la Wolverine.
Me:You done lost your mind. Judging by the way you took care of me as a child, I'll pass on the treatment.
Bro: I have more presence of mind than ever. I don't know what childhood you speak of. I gave you quality sibling stewardship.
Me: WHAT? Stewardship? Who uses that word?
Bro: People with intellectual capital use words like "stewardship".
Me: Wow!How incredibly pretentious.

How I have missed you...

I am so sorry for my absence. How I have missed you so. I downloaded a virus—despite warnings from my brother about my pilfering... I still did it and now I am paying the price. It has been a strange couple of weeks;I got that strange email (from myself) that I deleted years ago, I got stood up, I can't find my camera, I got punked by a guy on BBM(I'll explain later) and a Megabus I was on blew a flat-tire on the highway and it took over an hour for a replacement bus to arrive. When I look at these things I just view them as small annoyances and I am grateful that these are my problems(well I have many others, but we won't get into that). Perhaps the universe is paying me back for all the times I farted in public, insulted people, massaged myself with pork fat or subjected my nephew Boobers to my self-made nursery songs. Such is life. I hope you missed me too. Don't leave me.

Friday, October 1, 2010

Detox

It's been a while since I talked about it. I just wanted to tell you...that I have lost 12lbs. Woohoo!!! I won't lie, I cheated a couple of times. I had a crepe one day, and sweet potato fries another day(SORRY STEPHANIE!) but I was good otherwise. Its been over 30 days. I do miss my three loves cheese, bread and pork. If I could eat those three things without consequence, all would be right in the world. Still working on my journey to lose weight. Its a struggle, but I will make it happen.

VERITAS

Remember Molly? Well, she now has a friend. The other day I discovered a second hair on my chin. What does this mean? Is the world going to end? Will a second chin hair lead me closer to spinsterhood ? I think there is something regal and elegant about a woman with facial hair.

I showed Molly and Ginger(that's her name) to some of my friends. They look at me with disdain and simply ask why don't I pluck them out? I say no! Molly and Ginger are here to stay(unless I meet a really hot guy). I am pretty much hairless on every other orifice, so I'll let them keep me company for now.

POF wanks

Going back to the root of what started this blog—insulting men from POF. A few peeps have told me that they miss this part and they want to see more of it. I will try and post them more frequently, but the freaks don't come out as much...or maybe I have just become immune.

mango33:(message#1)There is a miracle called Friendship.I'm wishing at this time for miracle to hapend to for u to be my friend.I know now why Shakespeare could not compare his love to a summer’s day.
What the ras are you talking about? Like this turdbasket has ever read some mother f**ckin Shakespeare. Why is the word friendship capitalized?

mango33:(message #2)It would be a crime to denounce the beauty
of such a creature as u are be u men on pic
Creature? That title should be reserved for Sasquatch or the lochness monster— I am a lady. I read the highlighted part of this sentence over and over again, trying to decipher what language he speaks. It must be some peasant dialect that I am not familiar with.


ras77:dear my weekend was grt could have been better if i had a princes like u beside me,lol,how was urs hope pof is treating u well,i think im done with this site it so may white girls that will not let a brother meet a sweet sister like u
What happened to periods and capital letters and spelling you? So you blame white girls for not meeting a "sweet sister" like me? How about the fact that you can't spell princess, or the fact that you are wearing a t-shirt that looks like my night-shirt or the fact that you have a doo-rag on in your profile pic, or the fact that you say you want a "trained woman". This wanker should be grateful any woman with a low enough self-esteem would be interested in him.

taylors: I have always wanted to lick a black girls ass. You look like you have a nice donk.
Scusi? Holy f**k nuts batman! Its been a while since I got one of these freaks. I do have a nice donk. One that he will never see. I think he must have googled the word "donk".  I would never consider this but a part of me wants to tell him yes. I would eat at taco bell, curry goat and cheesecake. Then I would take a shard and not wipe myself and then I would tell him to get to work. Sorry, I disgust myself sometimes.

Tuesday, September 28, 2010

Date#12

Codename:Coward aka.:The man that never was
Nationality:Canadian(Caucasian)
Age:Don't remember, don't give a f**k

So Coward and I had exchanged a few text messages and spoke on the phone briefly. We agreed that we would meet for lunch the next day. I told him to text me in the morning to arrange a meeting place. He did. So it was set ,we would meet on the corner of Wanker and Poltroon at 1:15pm. After an appointment I hurriedly walked to said meeting place. A tall slender white dude looked at me hard but kept walking(not thinking anything at the time). I stood there waiting and waiting and waiting. I am usually very punctual, so I don't like when people keep me waiting. I sent him a text message asking if he had arrived. No reply. It then dawned on me that it was the dude that looked at me and walked by. (I am chatting with a few dudes at the moment so their faces kind of meld together). I got stood up.

I wasn't that upset about it at first. I'm sure it would have been dismal anyway. Then I really started to think about it and I became fuming mad. I took time out of my day to meet someone and he didn't even have the courtesy to return a text message. I know he saw me. It couldn't have been my face because I have one of the most demure, virginal faces you will ever come across. Perhaps he found me too rotund? It doesn't matter. I'm not going to try and rationalize his callous act. It was rude and cowardly, period. I would never do that to anyone. I don't care if the dude looks like Gollum, I would suffer through the date because I agreed to meet. I am still counting this as a date because I showed up. I'm fine. My self-esteem hasn't taken beating because of this. Although, I thought of sending him messages about skinning him alive and then wearing his pelt like a fur coat. I opted not to.

Sunday, September 26, 2010

I think I've been hacked

Just a few minutes ago, something very strange happened. The flashing light on my blackberry indicated that I had two new messages. One was from POF and the other was from me. It was an email I had sent to someone in 2003. It was an angry email, one I had forgotten about. I just couldn't wrap my head around it. I know I didn't send this message to myself and I was pretty sure I deleted it a long time ago.

I logged onto my PC and checked my sent messages.There was no trace of the email. I viewed all my old messages and the furthest back is from 2004. How is it possible that a message that I deleted years ago could be sent to me by me? I find this rather unsettling. Any advice?

Saturday, September 25, 2010

Lucky #13

#13 try a fencing class

So, I had a private fencing lesson the other day. I met my former archery instructor  at his residence. We had a short discussion about what we would cover in my first(and possibly only) fencing lesson. We walked a short distance to a local park and he handed me a pair of leather fencing gloves and an épée. He explained the difference between modern and medieval fencing( I forgot about 30 seconds afterwards). We covered stance(en garde position), how to move forward and back, attack and retreat. All of this took place while people were walking their dogs, etc. We received a few strange glances and one man did a double take and said "I had to look back and make sure I was seeing correctly". Yeah twatface, I'm fencing in a mother f**king park, and WHAT? I didn't say that out loud, but I gave him a menacing look and slanted my épée in his direction. I felt like one of these turdbaskets .....


We'll see. I may take a few more lessons.

Thursday, September 23, 2010

Frequently asked questions

I find I get asked certain questions by POF suitors all the time. . These are the answers I would want to send them, but since I am a nice girl, I don't.

1)Do you like white guys?
I get this question often(at least once a day). Many times this is the first question they'll ask me. Asking me this question means you've already conceded defeat. You assume that I don't like white guys so why waste your time? How about asking me questions about my interests, etc.?

2)Why are you so pretty?
(I swear they really ask this) I wasn't born that way. I photograph well and paint my face artfully. Without all the artifice, I look like a pug( I KID).

3) What's your mix?
Am I a f*#ckin dog?(I think the pictures of me with a weave throws them off). My mix is straight up negro. (My friend Zahara who has fair skin and long hair often gets asked why she has herself listed as black, or people tell her she's made a mistake. HAHAHA! I find it amusing.)

4)I swear I'm not a douche. How can I get to know you?
By not making proclamations of your non-douchiness. Often, people who protest the most, are the most blantant offenders. Proclaiming you are not a douche generally means you are one.

5)Why are you on this site?
I ask myself that question everyday...because of the blog, because I am socially inept, because it makes me feel normal after perusing the turdbaskets online.

6)What do you like to do in your spare time?
Draw penises, make new penis flute songs, stare at myself in the mirror as I play my penis flute, send my brother poems and news on pork, harass my nephew Boobers, stare at the solitary hair on my chin, make voodoo dolls, meditate, levitate, prostrate, ejaculate, and emancipate.

7) I think you're hot. What do you think of me?
(they really ask this, especially the really ugly ones) If I could conjure up all the mucus in the world and the spit the biggest lugie onto your face, it would make a vast improvement. Beat it.

Monday, September 20, 2010

Sunday, September 19, 2010

Stats

So I finally checked out my stats. I was curious to see how many pageviews, audience, etc. I found it very informative. People do actually read this shite. Here are the top ten countries that read my blog(numbers are amount of pageviews by country):

Canada 2,346

United States 478
Italy 364
South Korea 319
Australia 142
France 24
United Kingdom 21
Trinidad and Tobago 17
India 12
Germany 9

And I still have less that 200 Facebook fans...JOIN MY MOTHER F@*CKING GROUP! Pretty please and thank-you.

Thursday, September 16, 2010

Date#11

Codename:Turtleface
Nationality:Canadian(Jamaican descent)
Occupation:Sales

Forgive me, because I am in the midst of a cyclical mood swing. I went for a drink(water and cranberry juice) at a big chain pub. This happened after my meditation class when I was all serene and shit. He was 12mins late. He was about 5'10, dark skin, low cut hair and a box like head. He wore a sweater with a corduroy jacket over it. When I didn't order alcohol he asked me if I was a recovering alcoholic. I told him about the cleanse, he seemed to lose interest in that topic pretty quickly. He's really into sports. I hate sports. He said he likes "thick" girls. That's great cause you'll never smash these cakes. He said that he just got out of a two year relationship and isn't looking for anything serious. Not my problem. It lasted an hour and I said I had to get up early.

To be honest with you I really didn't care and I think it showed. I'm starting to realize that maybe these dates suck because of me....no scratch that, they suck because I have been picking the wrong candidates. I'm just bitter and annoyed right now. Piss off.

Blog

My friend started a blog about things she finds aesthetically pleasing. It covers a  mélange of topics from music, art, photography and architecture. Here it is: http://chosesbelle.wordpress.com/ . Enjoy!

Hello

I 've had an interesting week spritual healer, accupunture, and meditation... I had a great day yesterday. I had lunch with a friend, went to a meditation class(which was very informative and will help me in my practice) and a date later in the evening. I'm in the midst of a cyclical mood swing and don't care to write about the date at the moment. I'll do it a bit later. Dueces!

Goodbye my love

If you have been reading this blog for a while now, you know there are no bounds for my love of pork. I have not consumed it for over a month now. While driving yesterday, I had two trucks with live pigs drive along side me— ears and snouts sticking out. I also had a very strange dream last night and it inspired me to write this poem.


My dearest swine
I have forsaken you once more
I have fallen prey to your detractors
They whisper foul things in my ear
Fatty, unclean, unhealthy
I dare not say more
Sweet morsel, what say you?
They tell untruths?

My pork chop
My tenderloin
My rumproast
My pig-in-a-blanket
How can something so sweet against thy lips be poison?
Shall I forget you?
I think not
That would be an improbability ...impossibility
I shall remember our splendour
Our picnic pork, garlic pork, pulled pork

This is not farewell forever
When I tire of your bland, unpalatable friends
I shall return to you in the night
Do not get attached
For it is fleeting
Our love...

Wednesday, September 15, 2010

What I am looking for

For some reason, it took me a long time to create this list. Beyond my normal procrastination, I found it extremely difficult to scribe the essence of what I want in a man. Part of the difficulty lies in the fact that I am not where I want to be in my life. So, how can I ask for these things in a potential mate? Well... I'm gonna do it anyway! Here is it:

Attractive-To me at least. He doesn't have to be conventionally good-looking but I must find him sexually appealing.(I know it shouldn't be first on the list)

Intelligent-He doesn't have to have a PHD or be formally educated but he must be knowledgeable(and smarter than me).

Good taste-He should know how to dress himself, have good taste in music, food, art,etc

Financially stable-I'm not, but he should be. I KID(not really)

Emotionally available-A guy that has played the field enough and knows that I'm the best piglet in the barn. He's not scared of commitment and doesn't conjure up silly excuses of why he can't be in a relationship.

Giving-I consider myself to be a giving person. I expect the same in return. If I find myself always making concessions and accommodating the others needs, it can't work.

Piquant-Means "of an interestingly provocative or lively character". He must be a little quirky or off centre. I need someone who can understand my off-colour jokes and phallic art.

Calm-I don't like men telling me what to do especially in a hostile tone. I feel like hot-tempered men are more likely to hit a woman. If someone(especially a man) yells in my face, it will end in two ways—I will sit there and ignore you(thinking of ways to maim you) or I will attack you.

Worldly-Someone well-travelled or at least has the desire to travel and see the world(beyond all-inclusive vacations). This may not be important to others but for me, I think its high on the list. I find that men who have no desire to travel are ridged in their views, taste in food and are not open-minded.


That's all I can think of...L HELP! What am I missing?

Monday, September 13, 2010

Great, this is the guy who likes fat girls

biglover:First off i just want to say i have been tested and confirmed to be HOT certified =) secondly Greetings, im here to talk with mature older larger women.. im very attracted to women with open minds and ideas, I enjoy computers, cars, shopping, clothing, movies, sleeping of course.I am very attracted to larger women, and its ok if your not large yet we can get you there =)Feel free to send me a message, i am open to chat.

This turdbasket messaged me and I found him utterly repulsive but clicked on his profile anyway. He was a slender, gawky looking white dude. He had a pasty complexion and a nose that bore more semblance to a beak. I want to know how he obtained this "HOT" certification. Were these people clinically insane? I may be large but I am not mature! How many times can he profess his love of the rotund? I have a feeling that if he ran out of big girls he would kidnap skinny girls and bring them to his pig farm to be force fed until ripe, never to be heard from again.

Cleanse-day 21

I have lost 9lbs! I feel my tastes slowly shifting towards healthier fare. I ordered something at a restaurant and didn't realize that it was fried. I still ate it and felt sick almost immediately afterwards. The Fascist wants the cleanse to go on for 6 weeks. I am inclined to continue now that I see results, but I am adding fruit back into the mix because I am sick of eating only bananas! I'm not really craving anything bad at the moment. I'll let you know if that changes.

Sunday, September 12, 2010

Date# 10/ The return of Edelweiss

CODENAME: Edelweiss
NATIONALITY:Austrian
(please insert Austrian accent when Edelweiss speaks)

You remember Edelweiss don't you? He was the most infamous and entertaining of my dates. We went out quite a while ago and neither one of us called or messaged afterwards. I thought he was interesting, but I had no intentions of pursuing anything. He called me a few weeks ago and we tried to get together before he jetted off to Europe. It wasn't possible, so he called me upon his return.

I picked him up and as he entered the car I took a big whiff of his cologne and said "hmmm, what are you wearing?" and he replied "clothes". We drove to a restaurant and I had to parallel park(anyone who knows me well can vouch for how horrendous my parallel parking skills are). He felt it necessary to make the comment "You know only like 20% of women can actually drive." I think I uttered some expletive at him and he said "well, judging by your parking skills I think I am correct." Before you get your panties in a twist, this is all said in jest. He has a dry sense of humour quite similar to mine, so I find it entertaining.

We discussed many things— his trip to Europe, my life, religion, healers, my cleanse and genocide. He is a very intelligent man. A lot of his knowledge wasn't attained through traditional channels. He ordered a pizza, I ordered a salad. He saw he me eyeing his pizza with prosciutto and other yummy stuff and he mocked me. He questioned what I could eat and said the following with a sly smile
"What about sausage? Can you have sausage?"
"NO."
"What about white meat?"

All I could do was laugh. He is just as vile as I am. He said many crazy things like " I was Jesus in a past life" or "we should open a brothel together." How can I resist someone who says more asisine things than I do?
I saw him eyeing my hair(the previous date I had a weave, which he eyed suspiciously as well). I had my hair slicked back and he proceeded to pat the top of my head and said" hmm,okay" and resumed our conversation. There was a bit of flirtation. He examined my pulse and told me it was lethargic and he examined my chi and said it was off (perhaps he can help me realign it).

The bill came and he payed without hesitation. While I was driving he said  "I think I want to kiss you" and I said " unless you want to die, that's not a good idea." Always swift with the retorts he said "well I thought you women were good at multi-tasking." We arrived at his residence and said goodnight and then he went in for a kiss on the...cheek! BOO!!!!!!!!!!!!! I totally thought he would go in for the kill. Perhaps I should have taken the reins. I don't think Edelweiss is the love of my life but I find him intriguing,vulgar, spiritual and smash worthy. I think I can learn quite a few things from the quirky Austrian...

Tuesday, September 7, 2010

Conversation with my brother on bbm

Bro: Can you take me to my appointment tomorrow?
Me: Busy slaying orcs...but I'll squeeze you in
Bro: I hate to interupt a good orc slaying
Me: How would you rate my writing skills: amazing, superb or moderately amazing?
Bro: Haha...how does amazingly crass sound?
Me:Scusi? Crass is not an appropriate word. Edgy, irreverent perhaps.
Bro: Okay. What about amazingly sardonic?
Me: I can deal with that
Bro:Perhaps even serendipitous. Btw, I hate that word
Me:You used it
Bro: I find it incredibly glib and pretentious at the same time
Me: Aside from content, how would you rate my style?What?Glib?
Bro:Not your writing, the word I used
Me: Wanker....Ohhhhh!
Bro: Foolclot
Me:whoopsies!
Bro: Your writing is a mixture of post impressionist and liberalism
Me: I liking very much!!Gonna go drop a deuce
Bro:WTF!!TMI!!
Me: WDD, SND
Bro: Don't know those ones????
Me: wanker doodle doo, Squat and drop
Bro:Wow. UNACCEPTABLE

Yeah what she said...

I met L while travelling with my dear friend E in Hungary a couple years ago. We were staying at a hostel in Budapest, when I spotted this gorgeous Aussie and knew we would be friends. We spent one of the most unforgettable days together; Tour of Budapest, thermal spring bathhouse(where I got molested by a middle-aged Hungarian woman who felt it necessary to massage my substantial buttocks), Vivaldi's Requiem at the Budapest Opera house(with one of the most beautiful frescoes on the ceiling) and an amazing dinner afterwards. She is one of the most articulate people I have come across. While reading her facebook status', I frequently pull up my dictionary. She wrote this comment under one of my dating posts:


Gorgeous Rhodesia, have you created a values list with behavioral dimensions of what you're looking for...? It may help to formulate a selection criteria that helps distinguish between seemingly superficial personal idiosyncrasies of potentially aligned mates... From markers characterizing deeper, darker, absolute-no's, what might be entirely intolerable! xx L

I am working on that list right now. This should be entertaining...

Sunday, September 5, 2010

Stephania(detox fascist) says...

This will take a lot of effort on the participants part, plus those around you and no cheating not even once.
I've bought the book and his other one 3 times that's how much I believe in it. You will get results so you must stick to the TOP TEN DETOX RULES which I will list for you and my 2 cents ;) :


1) No red meat-- Growing up Jamaican forces this upon you
"WHY YUH NA WAN EAT DI OX TAIL???!!!"

2) No dairy produce-- So rice, soya and Almond milk for you missy, say bye to the cow-- It's not taught that calcium comes from so many other fruits and vegetables

3) No fruit - except bananas-- it's for the first 21-30 days how long you plan to do it for..

4) No wheat, Gluten, Yeast -- Rice cakes "gluten free" pasta and bread but gluten free!! Brown rice yes!!!

5) No Alcohol - That's clear- no getting crunked - order a bottle of water at the club or restaurant-- people will think you are a recovering alcoholic as I often get mistaken for-- No I don't drink, beat it!

6) No biscuits, cakes, doughnuts etc -- That's CLEAR!! Nothing of the sort! Get rid of the ones in your house. Temptation will try to be your friend for the 1st week SO better to save yourself the agony

7) No jams, spreads - except honey --- Honey is magic, buy a good brand and use it wisely

8) No coffee, decaffinated coffee or tea-- Except herbal teas -- SO buy green tea and NO black teas

9) No SUGAR, Chocolate or sweets-- You will get creative on this.. I blend ripe bananas in soya milk and drink that in the morning for breakfast and it's like my "dessert".. Keep in mind I live in Italia and here breakfast is all sweet stuff so on the way to work I "SMELL" all this stuff being baked and it doesn't even phase me at all, once you are in control of your body you will be laughing!

10) No artificial produced flavourings: tomato ketchup, vinegar, mustard etc..--- SO no ratid "1000 island" salad dressing or anything creamy killing off the goodness of your salad (I remember my Aunty Birdy murdering her salad with that all my life)


Another rule which he doesn't put on the list-- clearly nothing fried, NO VEGETABLE OIL *****ONLY OLIVE OIL*****

You will loose cellulite, weight, your skin will glow, your eyes will be brighter..
Roll up at chapters and get the book, it's around 8-11 dollars if I'm right... ENJOY THE RIDE!!!!

Friday, September 3, 2010

Swordswoman

Last night was my final archery class. I'm going to miss it and people laughing at me when I tell them I take archery. Well now you'll have something else to laugh at...I'll be starting fencing classes shortly. Yes, fencing. I was worried about pricing because everywhere I checked, classes ranged from $300-500. I am poor and this blog is depleting was little pence I have. But I discovered that my archery instructor does private fencing lessons for considerably less. Now to decide whether I should study medieval or modern fencing...Stop laughing at me.

Looking for dates

I know I procrastinate. I know I should have finished at least half of the dates by now. When they were pounding down my door, I could have cared less. Now that I want to get them done and out of the way, its proving difficult. A friend's boyfriend said that I am in such a rush that I may skip over a great guy. I need to stop viewing this as a mission and enjoy the journey; My cynical nature and the twats that I have come across thus far, make that task quite arduous.

I accepted this task of going on 30 dates with hesitation. It wasn't my idea, but I agreed to it. Before this little experiment I  didn't date much. My friend Z thought it would be a great way for me to get out of my shell. Its helped a little bit. With each date I discover what I'm not looking for. When I go out I try and flirt, but for me it feels forced and unnatural. I will try harder. Only 19 more to go. I need some divine intervention....I KID!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Tuesday, August 31, 2010

Dr.Joshi's holistic detox

is the name. A few people have inquired about the cleanse I am on. It's not as horrible as I anticipated. I have fully adjusted now. The first few days were hell. When I read the book all I saw was the list of  NO's. It seemed extensive; No alcohol, red meat, fruits(except bananas), no balsamic,soy or teriyaki, no wheat, no dairy(buffalo mozzarella and natural yogurt is allowed ), no cucumbers...I could go on and on.

I kept whining about all the indulgent, bad things I wanted to eat until Stephanie(the fascist) put the smack down. She told me to say no for once in my life. She has been on my nut-sack like no other. I posted on my facebook status that I wanted cookies. Shortly after, there was a voicemail telling me to put down the Mrs.Fields and that she would bitch slap them out of my hand all the way from Italy. Sometimes people need to be rough with me.

Here is an example of what I may eat during a day(Monday actually)

Breakfast: Smoothie with banana,almond milk, kefir yogurt, flax and a little agave

Snack(if needed):celery(barf) or carrots

Lunch: grilled veggies with roasted chicken breast

Dinner:brown rice with broccoli, cauliflower and salmon cakes.

The fascist made me realize that I must be creative. I must change it up and stop focusing on what I cannot eat. If I can manage that, success is inevitable. The fact that I am already seeing progress makes me want to work harder. A couple people have been telling me I look different.  For more info check out  Dr.Joshi's websiteor get the book.

Monday, August 30, 2010

One week

of my detox is complete. I have lost 4lbs. The cravings have subsided. I promised to be honest...I cheated on day 2 and had a piece of rye bread with cheddar cheese. Otherwise, I have been a good girl. A friend told me that my eyes looked brighter and my face more virginal than usual. The cleanse is working!!!!

Sunday, August 29, 2010

Date#9

CODENAME:I♥ Jesus
NATIONALITY:West African(former French resident)
AGE:34
OCCUPATION: Civil servant

Another coffee shop date. Again, this was my doing. I am in the midst of a cleanse and can't indulge in a lot of things. I figure if I go to a restaurant and start asking them for gluten-free, steamed, sauceless things I would look even more crazy than I already do.

The moment I saw him I knew there was no chance in hell. The shirt he wore was a bit reflective. He had a thick accent and was deeply Christian. I am an Atheist. I do not hide this fact. We got into a whole discussion about what happened in my life to make me a an Atheist. I  asked him what happened in his life to make him a sheep and blindly follow the assertions of others. That didn't go over to well. I don't mean to insult those of you who believe in God—just don't degrade my beliefs(or lack thereof) because you can't fathom that someone wouldn't/ couldn't believe that Jesus Christ, Mohammed, Jehovah, etc, isn't the path to salvation.

It lasted half and hour. I told him I had to go. We shook hands and he said to me " I hope you find Jesus."
There were so many things that were on the tip of my tongue...I didn't unleash the beast. Maybe Jesus was on his side.

Thursday, August 26, 2010

Cleanse-Day 4

I'm hungry.
I want food.
Tasty food.
Yummy food that makes me lick my plate.
I smell of celery.
I'm sick of tea.
And gluten-free shit
And lentils
And beans

People espouse the virtues of detoxing the body;
Mental clarity, supremely virginal skin
I just want some MOTHER FUCKING CHOCOLATE!!!!!!!

Maybe archery class will help me release some of my pent up anger. Sorry people, when Mama's hungry, she ain't nice!

Tuesday, August 24, 2010

TransAtlantic dating post— Zie list

Stephanie(the fascist that is making me do the cleanse) has had her fair share of troubles in the on-line dating scene in Milano. She felt it necessary to post a list of do's and don'ts. I have a feeling the idiots will still come.

I have left this space clear for some time now and feel the need to fill it. There are too many men that think they can conduct themselves in a manner that is below par. I don't want trash contacting me.. I am respectful and expect the same. So here are some rules to check yourself on... Rules for contacting me and things to know:
1) Don't be rude/ racist or ignorant. I don't have time for men with no education or class.
2) Don't expect that I give you every detail of me in chat and when I don't, you get angry and act like a spoiled child and run to your mother crying..
3) If you live at home with your parents, don't bother contacting me(unless you are taking care of them) .. I'm looking for a man not a boy.
4) Know that I'm not going to be your mother
5) If you act in a manner unacceptable, I'll block you.
6) You have to have travelled outside of Italia and have knowledge of culture and/or be willing to learn.
7) Don't assume every black person comes from Africa.. Can we pick up a map and study please?
8) Don't promise what you can't deliver, who likes a Quaquaraqua? "Means a all talk no action person" Don't ask me to go for a drink in St. Tropez...
9) I don't want to be called a Princess or Queen. I wash my own dishes and clean my own floors..
10) If you cannot handle an independent woman.
11) If you are married.. I cannot express anymore how horrible you are to be searching up meetic for women to screw. Don't contact me!
12) Read my profile-- I don't want a smoker as my man--While you are killing yourself you wanna kill me too? Save me the death..
13) No Playboys or Mammone. "Mammone-- Mamma's boy"
14) If you live far, understand that I ain't taking a train for 7 hours to come and see you.. Be realistic..
15) I am not nor do I look like Beyonce, Naomi, Michelle Obama or that chick from the A Bronx Tale.. I look like me..
16) No I'm not going to make caffe latte coloured babies with you, so don't ask.. *All examples of the garbage that I have had to read and listen to...