Sneak peek

of something I am working on...

In Europe I'm a pimp

Whenever I go to Europe, I feel the way a woman should feel: attractive, intelligent, desirable, wanted (regardless of my size). It's not the same here. When I do come out of hibernation in Toronto, I rarely ever get approached.When I do it's usually by men who have english as a second language, have just been released from custody or they are as ugly as sin. In Europe I don't have to do anything, they just flock to me. A friend of mine thinks that it's the energy I give off, not the place. Her theory is that when I am in Europe, I am more confident, hence more attractive to men. I disagree. I need a trip to Europe so I can feel like a woman again...

Self-doubt

I have decided to stop subcribing to it. To stop letting in fester in my soul. No more I say! Tis' forever banished! The internal battle between self-confidence and self-doubt has now been waged. We shall see who wins.

VERITAS

• Once, when I was 4, I took a pooper in my mother's rose bush. I told her it was a dog. She didn't believe me and I got a spanking.
• I sucked my fingers(index and middle finger) until I was 7 years old. My mother tried putting pepper sauce and aloe to curb my dirty habit. Didn't work. I stopped when I was good and ready.
• Everyday after school I would run home,  put a pink t-shirt on my head ( pretending it was my hair) and run downstairs and watch Gem and the holograms. Truly outrageous!!
• As a frusted teenage virgin, I had aspirations of becoming a phone sex operator or professional video hoe.
• Sometimes I run away from cats. I feel like they are trying to lure me into their dark, spinster world.

Meditation

I made an attempt to meditate this morning.It took a while to find a comfortable position. I tried sitting in the lotus position ( my ankle didn't appreciate it). I tried sitting up with my legs straight out in front of me (I could not relax). I thought I would try lying down on my bed in the corpse position. I settled in.

I lay there trying to clear my head of all the flith,clutter and depravity that envelops it. I thought of snowflakes and lilies and waterfalls and then I realized I shouldn't be thinking of anything. My mind should be clear. But how does one accomplish this clarity?  I envisioned blackness with a white light in the centre. I honed in on that white light, until everything vanished...and then I woke up 45mins later. Does falling asleep count as meditation? I need professional help. Does anyone know of a good meditation class?

Readers

As you can tell from reading this blog, I am a bit neurotic and I need assurance that I am doing something good. I feel like no one reads this shite and at times, like it's pointless to write it and no one cares(that's usually when I am having one of my cyclical mood swings). I ran into someone yesterday who enthusiastically let me know that she loves reading my blog and she even has her boyfriend reading it too! I know there are a lot of you creepers out there—reading furtively, at your laptop, perhaps drinking tea and eating a smoked salmon sandwich. Even though you don't show your love, I still love...(well love is a strong word)  appreciate your readership. Please feel free to comment and be interactive. Like I said before, don't insult me or I will verbally lambaste you. I asked for a suggestion for #18 and I got nothing!!!!

FANS

I don't mean to be annoying...but I need some more fans. I have been stuck at 141 fans for a week now. I see people joining asinine groups like " I like to diddle myself with crochet needles" or" I like to eat my bellybutton lint". Really? Really?  I think a couple of people left(wankers) and a few joined. Welcome to the newbies and thank-you to my loyal subjects. Keep reading and I'll keep it entertaining.

#18

That dastardly, elusive number that managed to slip my mind and now must change form once again. I forgot #18 on my list until a reader pointed it out. I hastily made a decision to run a 5k in May, when I have a sprained ankle(which I have neglected since December). I saw my doctor and she advised me not to run. So #18 must change once again. Any suggestions?

DATE# 3

Codename:Cakes
Nationality:Canadian(caucasian)
Occupation:Funeral business
Age:40


We met at a big chain coffee shop( can't a girl get a f***in dinner). I realize now that this coffee shop business is a tatic used by men who date frequently and don't want to spend the money or time involved with taking someone out to dinner. I totally get it. If it goes horribly wrong, all you have lost is $2 and you're out of there by the time your piping hot beverage is done...which is pretty much what happened. I think immediately I  knew there was nothing. I am sure he felt the same. We chatted about work,travel, the business of death. In total it lasted about 50mins. We shook hands and said goodbye. I have to start choosing better candidates. Only 27 more to go...

POF+PMS=NOT GOOD

Subjectline: I heard that black women...

Ottboy:Love having their feet massaged after a long and hectic day?
Did I hear correctly? :)
Holy mother of Mary, Santa Maria, mother f**ckin' sheep shit! Really? Why do I get these freaks? I just want to go on some dates, with some normal f**kin' people! Is that too much to ask? Some of you may think there is nothing wrong with his message-that's fine. As soon as I saw the subject line, I wondered what heap of flaming shit is going to be in my inbox today. He starts off with preconceived notions about black women. What woman doesn't like to get a foot massage at the end of a long day? If he was good looking, I would ignore his absurdity and use him as a human toe-nail clipper. Now piss off!

POF questionnaire

So... I cancelled my date yesterday. I'm sorry. I didn't feel like going. I had to cut my toenails and work on other things. I just wasn't feeling it. So here's something to tide you over. This is a first. I have never been sent a questionnaire. So many questions, without question marks. I am tempted to send my snarky answers to him, but I will be nice and just share them with you.Yes, I am having one of my cyclical mood swings.


Hello Rhodesia what's up how are you I have read your profile and I think you are vary interesting and I would like to know more about you only if it's okay with well I hope to hear from you soon okay bell


1.what are your Hopes and aspirations
To marry an old, rich man who is about to die and estranged from his family or tying a man to a radiator and leaving him there for two hours.

2.what are your Hobbies/interests in general
Making greeting cards with fake pubic hair, farting in public, looking virginal, eating smoked salmon, eating melted chocolate and smearing it on my face.

3.what is your favorite Music
Asford&Simpson and Hall&Oates

4.what are your Dreams
They usually involve someone smearing chocolate and pork fat on me.

5.do you have any siblings
One that I know of.

6.what is your favorite Romance novel
The one where your mother gets a pearl necklace. F**k off. Do I look like I read romance novels?

7.were do you like to Travel
"were" do I like to travel? To a land "where" people can write a proper sentence.

8.what is your favorite Vacation place?
Narnia

9.what is your favorite Movies
What is my favourite movies? For fuck sakes.

10.what is your favorite Restaurant
Any restaurant that serves pork.

11.what is your favorite t.v shows
Glee, True Blood.

12.what is your favorite foods
Curry& Roti, anything with smoked salmon, roasted pork, saganaki...too many things.

13.what is your favorite ice cream
Pistachio gelato.

14.what is your favorite color
Right now...forest green

15.what is your favorite thing to do on a first date
Tie a guy to a radiator and leave him there for two hours, while I get a sandwich and then splash him with ice water. I KID!

16.do you like sports
About as much as I like getting a pap smear..so no I don't like sports.

17.do you like cats
NO.

18.what do you like on guys
What does this question even mean? What are you refering to?


19.what do you look for in a guy
I'm going to be serious here. Someone with a kind heart, great sense of humour(and gets mine), likes to travel, smart, generous(and I don't mean financially, but that would be nice), open-minded but structured,wants children(but doesn't have any), someone who like to massage cankles and doesn't mind jiggly bits.

20.do you have tattoos
No.

21.what is your favorite animal
Kinkajou

22.what are your real eye colour
Obsidian.

23.what is your background
Guyanese.

24.do you like to cuddle
If I could secretly make little cuts on your body and then squirt lemon juice and salt into them, then yes I would like to cuddle. I KID!


25.would you like to talk on msn or would you like to text
No gracias.

Date# 3

Is coming. I am not sure about this one... seems... I'll let you know tomorrow.

SPINSTERHOOD...

may be just where I am headed. I have no desire to be a spinster, but one must prepare themselves for such an occurance. Perhaps I should start knitting tea cozys, subscribing to cat fancy magazine, get some cats (I hate cats), wrap my furniture in plastic and become a shut-in. The possibilty of this future petrifies me. My mother had a friend who would call at 6am on a Sunday for cake recipes and other foolishness. Women that I have come across who have never been married or had children seem to be sullen and regretful in their later years. I think having children makes the difference. If by 38 I am not married I will adopt or find some random to impregnate me. Spinsterhood will not be my future! Even if I end up perpetually single I vow to go down in a blaze of glory! I often wonder in the end who has the smile on her face. Is it the chaste woman who has lived a modest, pious life full of what if's and unrequited love? Or is it the wild woman of easy virtue, who has travelled the world and can tell many tales of her sordid love affairs and adventures? I choose the latter.

Fatty disclosure

I had been messaging back and forth with a dude on POF. He seemed sane, moderately attractive and intelligent. I ended communication with him because he asked if I had a full-body shot(which means he suspects I am a fatty). I didn't reply to any of his messages after that. Perhaps I fear that he may find my Rubenesque figure unappealing and I would be irrevocably scarred by his cruel rejection. I'm not that sensitive, but it just turned me off. I keep thinking about changing my body type description on the site but I feel like I won't get as many messages. I want my demure and virginal beauty to win them over before they fall in love with my jiggly bits. Anywhoo, it won't be too long-I have a date on Thursday.

I'M BACK

on track. Sometimes I get disillusioned and lose focus. After a weekend jaunt to la belle province I now have a clear vision. Something is a brewing....and it's o' so special. Stay tuned.

POF

I don't know what is wrong with me. I am not having one of my cyclical mood swings but I am a bit off. I think it's because there were some things that needed to be done and I procrastinated and now I have to wait. So I apologize for the venomous posts that have/may come...


partytimez:I would love to kiss your neck and lay 1000 kisses all over you. I am very attracted to you physically, just wondering if you can stimulate my mind.Its time you get a bubble bath prepared for you, lol! with vanilla scented candles all over and have your favorite blended drink made by my hands.In the morning you should have breadfast in bed baby, can you handle me? Are you ready for love?
Am new here from St. Lucia lets talk babesz.


Interesting...and where pray tell would those 1000 kisses be allocated?  Would they be dispersed or focused on the nether region? I have a sneaking suspicion that it wouldn't take much to stimulate his mind. Bubble bath?? All you have to do is put some fuckin' bubbles and run the water. What is so special about that? Also, I don't take bubble baths because I feel like I am stewing in a brine of my own filth. I don't like vanilla scented candles. I don't do blended drinks, that's for putanas. I just drink vodka(I KID). I think "made by his hands" means: A) he's going to jerk off into my drink and tell me there is a special ingredient he put in just for me. B) he's going to put a roofie in my drink.


He assumes that if any of this were to go down(which it wouldn't) that he would still be there in the morning. Can I handle him? Am I ready for love? No and no.

FANS

I lost a fan. I was at 134 and now I am at 133. Why? What did I do to deserve this? I lapse for a couple of days and you leave me? WHY??????? It's ok. I'll get over it. I don't know who left, but good riddens I say! To the rest of you...please don't leave me. I promise next week will be ORGASMIC!!!

Laser sculpted facial hair and jizz mouth

These two things irk me to no end. Many of you may be wondering what the hell I am talking about. Here you go:

LASER SCULPTED FACIAL HAIR

When it looks like you used some new unreleased nanolaser to create

the line of dirt that rims your douchey face. This is not an affliction that is prevalent

in one ethnic background. I have seen it on many and it's time to stop the

madness.

JIZZ MOUTH

When women (putanas) wear lipstick or lipgloss that looks like someone ejaculated on their lips. I have seen this look on many girls. It's disgusting. The first image  is the perfect example of putana make-up. Tanned skin, lots of eyeliner, frosty eyeshadow and jizz lips. The second image is of a Japanese Ganguro girl. They take jizz mouth to a new level.

DATES

Be patient with me. I am trying to find date #3. It's been slim pickings on POF. Date#1 was dreadfully boring and date#2 was a little too eventful. I would love to get these 30 dates out of the way. I am not procrastinating, just being selective. I want to be wined and dined! So far all I have gotten is paying for my own tea on date#1 and paying for half the meal on date#2. I am not a gold digger (far from it), but it would be nice to be treated like a lady(even though I am not one). Is that too much to ask? I refuse to go out with men that offer up oral services or a lick of the heel, or message me and say "SUP". I don't think I will have a date this week. I promise you there will be one next week.

Likes and dislikes

Yeah... I got nothing for now and people are bitchin' at me because I haven't written for a couple days. Do you really just want me to pull shit out of my ass? I can't come up with brilliant material everyday! So... I decided to write a list of things that I like/dislike. Here it is:

LIKES 
  
- smoked salmon and gravlax
-cheese
-pork(in all forms)
-meat in general
-fresh mint tea
-mojitos
-making up dance moves that defy space and time
-dancing all night until my eyebrows are gone and I don't even care
-feeling like a hairless cat
-golden apple, guinep, granadilla, clementines, grapes, watermelon, peaches,blackberries, strawberries, blueberries, gooseberries
-swedish meatballs w/ lingonberries
-carribean food
-tapas
-eating real pizza and pasta in Italy
-eating gelato twice a day in Italy
-alcohol(in moderate amounts)
-looking virginal
-finding clothing that makes me look virginal
-wearing perfume that smells virginal
-having a good hair,face and clothing day where people tell me I look virginal
-finding shoes that fit my platypus size 10 feet
-eating foreign food in a foreign land
-making out with foreign boys in a foreign land
-skinny boys who look like they need to be fed
-boys who look like they grew up on a farm and need to be defiled
-trying new things
-watching a friends face when they open one of my cards
-reading a book or watching a movie that makes me think differently
-sucking on lemons
-making someone smile
-making someone laugh until they wet their pants
-going to the airport knowing that in a few hours I will be somewhere new
-getting into hijinks in a foreign land
-having a great meal with the perfect surrondings and company
-taking a really good pooper
-roasted nuts(except peanuts)
-elephants(african), leopards, lions, impalas, kinkajous, chimpanzees, giraffes, panthers
-going on safari
-beautiful sunsets
-picnics
-atheism
-secular humanism
-kindness
-compassion
-cynacism
-oxymorons
-lollipops
-chocolate
-tamarind
-spicy mango candies
-farting in public,walking away and watching someone walk into the waft I just left behind
(I KID)

DISLIKES

-sardines(peasant fish)
-liver
-camel toe
-hairy muffs
-hairy men
-men with laser scultped facial hair
-putanas with jizz lips
-putanas with collagen in their lips
-when caucasian people are as dark as I am(it's creepy, stop tanning)
-when people tell me that I can never look virginal
-PEANUTS AND PEANUT BUTTER
-reese's pieces
-peanutbutter soup
-American cheese(the peasant of all cheeses)
-when people travel and complain that things aren't like back home
-when people travel and are unwilling to try local food
-cantelope and honeydew( I find them to be the most bland and unimaginative fruits)
-people who spit, dig in their ears and pick their nose in public
-men who tell me what to do
-misogynists
-women who have no female friends(there is usually a good reason)
-people who are ignorant and don't care to learn
-peacocks,pigeons and sea gulls, hyenas, vultures, wildebeest, ducks, loons, cats
-black pudding and haggis
-people who fart in public and let me walk into their waft


                                                                   

POF

You may think I am making these up. I assure you, I am not. These are the kind of men that message me. It's indicative of the kind of men that approach me in real life. Why do the attractive ones keep their distance?  It comes in waves, these messages. At certain times there is a lull and then all of a sudden there is a school of wanton fish swimming in my inbox. People, I am totally willing to be set up on date because if I must rely on plenty of fish to find 28 more dates, I am up shit's creek.

revton:i talk to u today at the dollar store,just write me
Impossible. I was not in the dollar store today and if I was I wouldn't waste my time engaging in mind-numbing conversation with a peasant like you. I KID!

Hindi79:Hello there,
Would u like to have an oral submissive guy over tonight and give u an erotic massage followed by oral sex?
27 M here...wants NOTHING in return....just wanna please my taste buds....totally sane here...d/d free...discreet..Hope to hear from u.
WOULD I? WOULD I? Maybe one day when all hope is gone(that day may come very soon) and I can put a paper bag over his head (with holes in appropriate places) I would consider it. I mean, isn't this what guys go to rub-n-tugs for? An erotic massage and an oral release? And I am getting offered this for free? I would be an idiot to turn it down...Not that desperate yet! People don't do anything without wanting something in return. You cannot be sane if you are messaging a girl you don't know, offering to perform cunnilingus. Where do these dudes come from? Seriously.

MARCH WINNER!

The winner of March's prize is signorina Stephanie Pinnock. You win this beaut "Melancholy love". I am going to mail this piece of shite to you in Italia. Oh yeah, it's your birthday gift too!

Become a member or a fan and win this....

One of my hand made greeting cards. I can't show you what's inside because it's beyond vile.

POF

I have been on this crap site a lot trolling for dates. I do not message them.They message me. It's already a leap for me to join on-line dating, so there is no freakin' way I am going to be the first to initiate contact. Now, remember a few days ago when I said I would respond to every guy that messaged me atleast once...I lied. It was exhausting and I felt like I was giving them false hope. If I don't reply, it means I am not interested.

butter5:I sent u a msg and u couldnt dignify it with a response, i'm not no ugly dude, i jus thought u were really looking for a genunine guy..

have a great day!
Wow! I could really feel the cynicsm behind his "have a great day". What he really means is I am a ignorant putana for not seeing what a spectacular guy he is. Suck it! If he knew the first thing about dignity, he would not have sent that message. I am looking for a genuine guy, just not you nimrod.

pleaseyou76:youre too good for this place. Would you date a white man?
So true. To the white dudes out there, don't ask me if I would date a white guy. Just don't. This is usually the type of guy who see's me as a fetish or he is insecure and likes to makes assumptions about what I would like. How about you message me and try to get to know me instead of asking me if I like the vanilla stick?

(I have been known to get my swirl on)