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Monday, May 31, 2010

#7 Ticket out of fatty-dom

So it's been 4 weeks since I joined one of those fitness boot camps. It's twice a week for 60mins. Every class is different and challenging. At times my ankle really kills and I feel like my lungs are going to collapse but I persevere. My main motivation is not looking like a hippo in my Caribana costume.

Today was the weigh in and measurements. I was dreading it all day, because I know I haven't been a good girl. I stepped up on the scale and the fuckin' wanker said that I gained half a pound! How obnoxious! The measurements were a little kinder to me:

Upper arm(lf): 0
Upper arm(rt):+1
Chest: -2.2
Waist:-3.5(woohoo!)
Hips:-1
Buttocks:-1.2
Upper thighs:-1.7

That's a total of 8.6 inches. It's not bad, but I could have done much better with a cleaner diet. I have 60 days until Caribana. I have to make it count. No more cheese and bread and chocolate and burgers and ice cream and crepes and everything that is good and holy in the world. Fuck.

Wednesday, May 26, 2010

CARDS

Everyone wanted this card, but it was sold within the first 30 mins but I kept it displayed for viewing pleasure. I think it's brilliance lies in it's simplicity. Enjoy.


#2 and sack

I had an eventful swimming lesson at my friend Nelandia's condo yesterday. I wore a hideous one piece(I don't remember the last time I bought a bathing suit. I only own the one.) I made some progress in my aquatic abilities. I still can't float, but I'm getting there.
I noticed a guy blasting salsa music from his ground floor apartment while drinking what I am sure was Chardonnay.  He was wearing a black sweater and black dress pants( which I found a little odd on a holiday and when it's 25C) . His hair was slicked back. In my typical vulgar humour, I remarked to my friends that I would sit on his face but I found him total Euro cheese.

Soon after making that comment, he came over and started playing ball with my friend sons. They threw a football back and forth for a while—Euro cheese trying to impress me with his paltry display of machismo. I lay there on the blanket, continuing to make disparaging  remarks. In an attempt to throw this $10 football to the cosmos, Euro Cheese threw the ball clear over the ledge of what I assume was a boiler room. A sane person would think that would be the end of it, but he proceeded to pull up a bench and try and scale the building. He fell, got back up and tried again. He climbed the roof, retrieved the ball. I sat there wondering how this dumb fuck is going to get down. I watched as he scaled down like spiderman( I wondered in what other ways this skill would come in handy). I just lay there on my blanket watching it all go down and realized that this guy is a nutter or completely shit-faced. What he/nor I realized is that on his way down, he split his pants open.

He went over to my friend Nelandia and chatted her up. In that short convo with Euro Cheese, she discovered that he was from Northern Europe and said "have I got a friend for you" and brought him over to me. There he sat, legs crossed, sipping on his glass of chardonnay and eating a plate of fruit .

He was very good looking, but very fromage. Strong jawline, great features and cerulean blue eyes —but I instantaneously  found something sad about him. We were in the middle of chatting when Nelandia choked on her fruit and got up and left. We sat there alone. All of my party stood about twenty feet away, licking ice cream cones in suggestive ways, acting out sexual positions as I tried my best not to look. We conversed for about 15mins about many things, which I won't divulge. In that short period ,I surmised that he was raised in Europe, probably came from a rich family, intelligent but socially akward. A part of me wanted to sit on his face and another part of me wanted to help him in some way.

As he got up from his cross-legged position I saw the split in the crotch seam off his pants and I also saw...SACK. BALL SACK!!!!!!!!!!  Dangling in the wind and this fucker was so shit faced, he had no idea. The whole time we sat there chatting his one-eyed snake was trying to rear it's ugly head and I had no clue. Do men often go commando is dress pants?  As soon as he left my friends came running back over. They knew. And they left me there.

I'm going swimming more often...

Monday, May 24, 2010

This is why I have not been on any dates

bigwad:start pumping you when i pull your wet pantties off
Rhodesia: Excuse me?
bigwad:pull them down slow with my teeth
bigwad:can i be the one to make you wet
bigwad:you look very tasty
bigwad:i will use my tounge

Holy crapshoots. I am running out of patience. I was messaging back and forth with a guy from POF and it seemed somewhat promising. We exchanged numbers. He was a tad stalker-ish. The first day he called 4 times while I was at work!! He called me Saturday night and asked what I was up to. I told him I was out with a friend. He wanted to know what time I would be finished with my friend and if he could come over afterwards. Scusi? Pardon? What kind of putana do you think I am? I told him no and a couple minutes after ending the call I sent him a text saying that we were looking for very different things. I wished him luck and asked him not to contact me again. Someone is going to get a shank in their ribs pretty fuckin soon. Can't deal.

Friday, May 21, 2010

FANS

I know I bitch about this often... but I don't care. I have 155 facebook fans. Groups like "Sluts who call other girls sluts" have 880 fans. "I hate cilantro" has over 6,000 fans. I personally LOVE cilantro and would bathe in it if I could. Also "I Will Go Slightly Out of My Way To Step On A Crunchy-Looking Leaf" has 2million fans. That's all. Just want you to think about that.

Dates

I was supposed to go on a date last night and I cancelled. I didn't feel like going. I know I have only been on 3 and I really need to get the ball rolling. I find most men trivial, banal or they simply just don't understand me.  I have been a little mean to the men who have been messaging the past couple days. Here is an example:

Greco: Hey are you still babysitting? Can I call you now?
Rhodesia: I gave you my number almost two weeks ago. Your privliges are now revoked.

zeus78:cute face...lol...i'm not a douche. Do you have a hot bod to go with that dazzling smile?

Rhodesia: No, I don't.

bashment:If beauty were time, you'd be an eternity
Rhodesia: That's brilliant. Do you mind if I use it?

I promise you people I will get these 30 dates done. Summer is fast approaching and I'm just gonna bang 'em out, one after another. Sometimes I am a fickle creature and I get in moods where it's better for all parties involved that I don't go on dates. One thing you can count on is that I will always be truthful about what I have or haven't done.

Thursday, May 20, 2010

Bless up

decman:wussup hun how u doing i dont usually be on this site but i have more pics on fb...but i am independant , no kids..holla at me...lol
if u have msn or bbm u can leave it with
me..ok take care n bless up!!
Dear lord almighty! You don't usually "be on this site". Perhaps you should "be" in an adult remedial english class and leave me the f**k alone. I am sure you've noticed I have not posted one of these in a while. I think I am just becoming numb to the idiocy that I am inundated with everyday or perhaps I am making an attempt to be nicer to the opposite sex. Not bloody likely!

Wednesday, May 19, 2010

A card for someone special

Words I like

You may notice that I like to use certain words frequently, especially these:

  • virginal
  • nubile
  • supple
  • depraved
  • lewd
  • lascivious
  • rubenesque
  • portly
  • rotund
Some other words that I love :

Defenestration: The act of throwing someone or something out of a window( I have wanted to do this sometime now. Maybe if someone pisses me off during one of my cyclical mood swings, it may just happen)

Crapulous: Excess drinking/eating or suffering from excess(something I enjoy)

Wanton: This word has several meanings.I like to use it as an adjective and meaning sexually lawless and unrestrained (what I long to be)

Cad:an ill-bred man, esp. one who behaves in a dishonorable or irresponsible way toward women(the kind of men I attract).

Facetious:amusing,humourous, not meant to be taken seriously(how some people may view me)

I'm no word smith, but I am thoroughly enjoy writing again. It's been a very cathartic experience. It's like getting a colonic and watching years of filth that have lined the walls of your life being washed away.

Tuesday, May 18, 2010

Cards

This card was the best-seller at my show. I was a little nervous about posting it because it's so brilliant that I fear someone may try and copy it. If you do I will find you, skin you alive, hang you from my front door like a wreath, as a warning to others. Many of you may find my cards offensive, I apologize...no I don't. It is what it is. I'll post others shortly. Enjoy.







75 days

I have 75 days until Caribana and the humiliation of  looking like a hippo in a showgirl costume. I am thinking about cutting out dairy until then, but I may end up killing people. This is the second week of bootcamp and people already have been telling me things are looking tighter(although I already have a magnificent bottom). I really need to get my diet in order. I  joined fit day (again) this morning to keep me in check. I had a burger and ice cream yesterday...I know. Now that I have to write it down, I think I will be more mindful of what I put in my mouth.

Monday, May 17, 2010

Business woman

Saturday was the launch for my greeting card company Sardonic Sentiments at Chasse Gardee. I was so nervous that I nearly sharded my pants... There was a pretty good turnout. I was worried about the reception the cards would receive. Not everyone understands or appreciates my brand of humour, but when I saw people opening cards, laughing hysterically and then showing  friends—I knew I was onto something. I got some great feedback and some gay/lesbian, gender neutral and more tame cards are on their way! I would love to hear from people who attended and get your feedback as well. What cards did you enjoy the most? What would you like to see that you felt was missing? Don't be shy!

I was so nervous because I never put myself out there. I am much more at home, hiding in the corner, only sharing with a select few. Now that I've stepped out of my nook, I'm not going back in...

P.S You guys will see the collection shortly.

Friday, May 14, 2010

I am my own cockblocker

  • I have a car seat installed in my car and I don't have a child. Who is going to believe me when I tell them it's for my nephew?
  • Yesterday I was blasting the Sound of Music soundtrack in my car and singing it at the top of my lungs. At the stop light a guy in a car next to me just looked at me and shook his head.
  • I say dude a lot and use profanity often.
  • I often tell men that I used to beat up boys in my childhood.
  • I don't like wearing heels.
  • I have been told I look aloof and unapproachable.(Not true! I am as sweet as apple pie!)

Thursday, May 13, 2010

GORDITA

I was at the grocery store yesterday. There was an older Spanish speaking couple in front of me. The gentleman was loading their items on the belt while the woman was chatting it up with one of the store clerks(in Spanish). His wife was blocking my way, I had a heavy basket and her husband told her in Spanish to move so I could pass by. The clerk then said to her "let the Gordita pass" and proceeded to laugh. I don't speak Spanish, but I understood what she said and I know what GORDITA means. It means fat girl! Let the fat girl pass... It's been a long time since I have been insulted about my weight. I was itching to say something to her, but I remained silent. I was fuming inside. I came home and ate a whole milka chocolate bar, thus leading me further into Gordita-hood. I got over it, went to boot camp and killed it. No one will ever call me Gordita again and live to tell the tale!

Wednesday, May 12, 2010

Malaka


My Greek friend Tammy posted this on my facebook page. She knows how much I love the word. The first time I went to Greece, I asked my friend what is this word I hear so frequently. I fell in love. In fact the first time I met one of Tammy's sisters, I thought it was appropriate to write on a piece of paper "yia sou malaka!" HAHA! Enjoy.

Cannot reply!

Hello peeps! I am getting an error message when trying to reply to your comments. Don't think I am ignoring you! I am trying to get it fixed. Don't leave me...

#7 and #26


 I joined one of those fitness boot camps to get motivated and get my fat ass in shape. Tonight is my third session. The previous session I thought my lungs were going to explode(due to my sedentary behaviour) but I'm getting into the groove and I hope to increase my cardiovascular endurance. I joined to lose weight and also because Caribana is a couple months away and I just purchased my costume. I am a little scared of it. It's a little...tiny and I'm a smidgen BIG. So....yeah....I'm working hard so I don't look like a hamhock being stuffed into a sausage casing. Being a big girl, I hate when other big girls wear stuff that is inappropriate for their size—in this occurance, I am just going to have to let go. Whenever I would go to a beach and have trepidation about removing my sarong, I would close my eyes and say' there must be someone fatter than me on this beach'. I would open my eyes and low and behold, there would be. I'm sure I can do the same at Caribana. I just don't want to look "fat and lawless"(that's how one of my bitter spinster great aunt's described me).  I won't show you what my costume looks like exactly, but it's one of these three...


Tuesday, May 11, 2010

Chasse Gardée and Sardonic Sentiments

Sometimes I make really graphic birthday cards for people. I made an especially vile one for the owner of  Chasse Gardée ( she sells the most orgasmic shoes), Daniela Bosco. There was all sorts of muff hair and even a polar bear threesome. When she asked me if I wanted to sell them at her store, I thought she had lost her mind. She even called them "art". So she inspired me to start this dirty greeting card company, Sardonic Sentiments. It's launch is this Saturday at Chasse Gardée(1084 Queen St W), from 8-11pm. There will be cupcakes, french porn, vino and my orgasmic cards for sale. See you there!

I'm back

Sorry for my little hiatus. I was watching my 6 month old nephew for a week and wanted to give him my undivided attention. His nickname is Boobers and he likes to fart and spit up on me and then show me his toothless smile afterwards. We have a few things in common: we're gorgeous, we both let out loud boisterous farts, we like to eat and sleep and I notice he is starting to suck his middle and index finger(just as I did in my childhood).  Anywhoo, I'm back in full force. I have two dates lined up for next week...

Monday, May 3, 2010

MIA

I won't be posting much for the next week or so. Don't leave me or you'll regret it...