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Friday, November 26, 2010

#11

Forgive and speak up

From childhood, I have always been a little shy, sheepish and afraid to ask for what I want or speak out. My mother consistently tried to break me from this habit, to no avail. I would always repress my thoughts because I feared I was being too judgemental and that it was better to mull it over before speaking out(which never happened). Instead, what I would do was internalize the problem until it reached a boiling point. If I felt someone wronged me, I would usually disappear instead of confronting them. I knew it was bad habit and it sometimes lead to passive aggressive behaviour.

There have been several instances this year when I spoke my mind, as difficult as it was. Sometimes the outcome wasn't as bad as I imagined, in other instances...it was. I still believe in exercising caution before speaking, but now I do it with less reservation.

Thursday, November 25, 2010

Five dates in one week...

How do I follow a post like Josh's? His post has inspired me to work harder on my journey. You should know by now that I am a consummate procrastinator... so I'm on a tight schedule and my injury doesn't make things any easier. I'm off work for a bit, so I have a lot of free time. I'm working on a couple of things that I have been putting off, but also I will attempt a giant feat...five dates in one week! To some(Stephanie) this may seem like nothing. Remember, this is coming from a girl who went on two dates in 2009.

As I told you, I joined E Harmony. I'm not sure how I'm going to handle this situation. A couple of men have requested communication, but I can't see what they look like( I would have to pay in order to see their pictures and we all know that's not happening). Perhaps I should dash my shallow ways and go into it blind?
What if I have a great rapport with someone online, we meet and he looks like Quasimodo? This could make things very interesting...What the hell! I'm going to do it! Quasimodo, here I come!

Wednesday, November 24, 2010

Joshua James Ogilvie

I met the dashing J.J.O whilst travelling with my dear friend E. We were staying at a charming B&B in Palermo, Sicily. The night before our departure we noticed a new sojourner checking in. We kept a close eye— deducing stories of his origin and likeness. The next day E and I checked out, but had hours to kill before our train departed. We decided to pass the time in the common room and there he was. The three of us sat in silence; BBC news blasting on the television, until one faithful moment when E asked " do you mind if I change to MTV?" and the rest is history. We spent the next five odd hours chatting, dancing, getting drunk of limoncella and vino. We also had one of the most epic photo shoots of all time called "Sexy time in Palermo".  Our time came to an end. He walked us to the train station, helped us with our bags and we said our goodbyes. As the train pulled away Mr.Ogilivie dropped his pants(knickers on of course!) and ran along side the train until out of view.  He is a world class traveller and one of the few true gentlemen left in the world. Ladies and gents I present to you Joshua James Ogilivie:


How do we celebrate the end days? It’s over at thirty right? Right! I mean that’s what they say and because I’m 30 I care what they think, or at least what they think about me. See at the age of twenty we don’t care what the world thinks of us, at thirty we worry what it’s thinking of us. I’m told at forty we come to the frustrating conclusion that the world wasn’t ever thinking of us at all. Marlene’s borderline thirty, she cares what we think, that’s why she’s got a bucket list and is documenting her intrepid ride to the brink of relevance. Have a look at some synonyms for the word intrepid – bold, fearless, courageous… I love that it takes those traits to successfully deal with the reality of this terrifying landmark. For what it’s worth Marls, you’re doing well ya little trooper.


The thirtieth year of my life had been my most extraordinary yet. It was punctuated by a move to Shanghai and having the thrill of participating in (a Chinese production of) The Amazing Race. It was an astonishingly rewarding experience, the time of my life. But I came second, lost by four minutes and don’t want to talk about it, digressing…

For my thirtieth birthday I decided to indulge my fervor for travel by flying from Melbourne to Shanghai. Breakfast with the family at home, 10 hours of free drinks and entertainment at altitude and an arrival in Shanghai just in time for dinner and a cheeky bar crawl through the French Concession. Perfect. Problem is every time I board a plane, I lament the absence of glamour in the whole affair. Watch Catch Me If You Can as a reminder of how stylish traveling used to be. In the 1960’s flying truly was the future, it was a luxury, and people dressed for the occasion. And could they dress! The airports were stylish, the stewardesses were stylish (and they were gorgeous), and the passengers were stylish. Nowadays people fly in their goddamn pajamas because they want to be “comfortable”. It’s embarrassing. The future was going to be so cool, and look what we did to it.

When I buckle in I think “forget the chubby man next to me who - going by his attire - got lost somewhere between his bedroom and the toilet, who has sauce on his chin and is surely minutes away from falling into a food coma and possibly into my lap. I’m keeping it classy up in here!” I block out the emergency briefing by dialing in The Rat Pack – Live at the Sands on the iPhone and as soon as we reach altitude I order a Martini and try to ignore the plastic cup it’s served in. Deano and Sinatra will be my drinking buddies because I’m flying and I’ll be damned if it’s going to be anything less than glamorous and stylish.

I like drinking Martini’s mid-flight, because I like letting the weather dictate my drink. Sunny day in London – it’s got to be Pimm’s and lemonade. Okay with a finger of Gin too… because you twisted my arm. Flying is much the same – when the seatbelt light comes on, it’s the bar telling me “until further notice, Martini’s will be served shaken and not stirred”. If it’s good enough for Bond.

My birthday was October 14th. In the weeks since I’ve signed on to host a Travel Show for Chinese television. I like Chinese TV because (thanks to a 1.2bn population) even the shit shows get watched by 20 million people. I also had my first crack at live TV, made a music video, got auctioned off for charity, bought another Bell & Ross, crashed a motorbike and (justifiably) got in hot water from my passenger for concerning myself with the welfare of the bike before theirs. It’s a fucking great bike… and they were both okay. I’ve scared the shit out of some children at Halloween and then scared the shit out of myself by waking up blue the next day having forgotten that I’d hit the town dressed as a Smurf and I’ve reached new levels of fitness – smashing the myth that at thirty the body gains a mind of its own.

So life’s over at thirty? Nah mate, this is life at its fullest – no longer slaves to dreams and not yet servants of regret. The journey only starts here.

Ironically in my birth week I found out my father is at the end of the road. Life always has a way to keep you grounded and of reminding you that it’s a precious bloody gift that we never asked for but have kind of grown to love and, well, depend on. Doctor’s expect he’s got six months left on this rock - this has become his intrepid journey to the real thirty. So how’s he celebrating the end days? For those paying attention that was the original question right? Boozy lunches and fishing trips with his old mates. And who would begrudge him that. He’s so busy living now it’s like he was dead before. Bless him. He’s setting the tone for the rest of us, keep living till you can’t anymore and remember that your attitude should dictate your circumstance and never the other way around. Oh and for God’s sake keep it classy because if you don’t you’re killing the future!!

Some final advice for those who can’t get their head around the above, remember you’re only as old as the person you wake up next to. In saying that, don’t search for the fountain of youth drunk because you might wake up young, but hating the way you look. Yeah you’ve been there…

I’m Josh Ogilvie and I’m 23.



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Tuesday, November 23, 2010

E Harmony

Many people have told me to try this site. I never did because you have to pay for it(Yes, I'm a cheapass) and I have gotten mixed reviews. Apparently, they have a free trial at the until the end of November. Free= I'm trying it! I will let you know if I meet the love of my life.

Monday, November 22, 2010

WHY?

So on Friday evening, I went to fetch the mail. I tripped on a curb and severely sprained my ankle. I sprained the same ankle last year and it never healed properly. I lay on the curb in agony, with my mail strewn across the street. Several cars drove by me—no one stopped. It occurred to me that people in my neighbourhood are wankers.  I called my brother(who lives fairly close by) and he came about 15 minutes later. In that time I managed to hobble across the street. He was appalled that no one stopped to help me. Saturday morning, I was to attend a boot camp class with a former trainer. I left her message. I am sure she thinks I'm a big fat liar.

 I spent most of Saturday unwashed, hair uncombed, foot elevated and iced, and cursing all of humanity. Sunday was much of the same. I wondered how I could exercise or go on dates with a swollen ankle and menacing limp? Today, I am in a better mood(partly because of a visit with a friend). It's only a sprained ankle. With care and attention, it will get be back to normal soon. My dates should be very interesting...

Friday, November 19, 2010

POF

This dude sent me a message. I thought his face wasn't bad. I clicked on his profile to find this:

BUT ON THE REAL IF YOU A LIAR, FAKE, OR THINK YOU GROWN BUT YOUR NOT. DONT WASTE YA TIME CUASE YOU WONT LIKE ME :) and yes im taling to all you lil gold diggers who think ya games on lock. it may work with theese dumb boys but for anyone real knows you can only be fake for soo long till the truth comes to light. FOR EVERYONE ELSE ITS ALL LUv.

i like smart, intellegent people. BRAINS IS BEAUTIFUL AND KNOWLEDGE IS KING. SKYS THE LIMIT. SO NO MAN IS BETTER THAN THE NEXT ITS JUST SOME JUST CHOOSE TO SHINE BRIGHTER THAN OTHERS

OK IM SORRY TO SAY MOST TDOT WOMEN A DUMB. BRAIN WASHED BY BET LOL. THATS WHY THEY WOULD BE MORE FOCUSED ON HATIN ON A NEXT GIRL AND TRYIN TO LOOK BETTER THAN THE NEXT GIRL. GET FOCUED WOMEN ITS ABOUT BETTERING YOURSELF AND YOUR PEOPLE. LETS SEE IF YOU CAN TAKE YA FAKENESS INTO THE NEXT LIFE TIME. ANOTHER THING IS I DONT GET WHY PEOPLE TRY TO LOOK FOR RELATIONSHIPS, WE NEVER FIND WHAT WE LOOK FOR IN THIS LIFE TIME, THINGS FALL INTO PLACE WHEN THE TIME IS RIGHT. AND LOOKING FOR LOVE AINT SOMETHING TO LOOK FOR. NEVER HEARD OF ANYONE WHO LOOKED FOR LOVE AND FOUND IT. LOVE IS SOPOSE TO FIND YOU, ELEVATE YOUR MINDS PEOPLE. AND SORRY BUT I GOT TO GET AT BLACK PEOPLE WE ARE BEING LEFT BEHIND. DONT FALL INTO THE BET TRAP WE ARE BETTER THAN DRUG DEALER AND HOES. WE ARE BETTER THAN NICE CARS AND BLING. WE NEED TO STOP HATE ON EACH OTHER AND HELP ONE ANOTHER TO GROW AND COME ABOVE ALL THE HATE INSTILLED IN US FROM SLAVARY. IF YOU HATE I CAN CARE LESS

Bitter and jaded much? There is something very hostile about ALL CAPS. Isn't it a little hypocritical to tell people not to look for love, when you have a profile on a dating website?  I don't really have the energy to dissect this any further. Maybe a visit with my nephew Boobers will calm my nerves.

Thursday, November 18, 2010

ZIE LIST #1

SMOKE A CIGAR

I never had any desire to smoke one. I hate the smell. I know its something so simple and I could have done it at home, but I envisioned myself in a tropical setting. I had a somewhat freshly rolled Domincan cigar. When I tried it, I thought I would choke(I don't smoke...anything). Surprisingly, I was a natural. The  guy at the store told me I looked like a pro(I'm not sure what kind pro he meant). I purchased a few but I don't really want them. Anyone want some Domincan cigars?

Intense

My dear friend Stephanie is headed to London for a meditation retreat. Its ten days of silence. . She asked me a while ago if I wanted to join her. I asked her if she wanted me to stab her in the eye. Here is the schedule: ‎
4:00 am Morning wake-up bell

4:30-6:30 am Meditate in the hall or in your room
6:30-8:00 am Breakfast break
8:00-9:00 am Group meditation in the hall
9:00-11:00 am Meditate in the hall or in your room according to t...he teacher's instructions
11:00-12:00 noon Lunch break
12noon-1:00 pm Rest and interviews with the teacher
1:00-2:30 pm Meditate in the hall or in your room
2:30-3:30 pm Group meditation in the hall
3:30-5:00 pm Meditate in the hall or in your own room according to the teacher's instructions
5:00-6:00 pm Tea break
6:00-7:00 pm Group meditation in the hall
7:00-8:15 pm Teacher's Discourse in the hall
8:15-9:00 pm Group meditation in the hall
9:00-9:30 pm Question time in the hall
9:30 pm Retire to your own room--Lights out

Ummmm.....Where is dinner? Stephanie you inspire me! She will write about her experience upon her return. I am going to meditation class tonight!

Wednesday, November 17, 2010

Date#16

Codename:El Greco
Occupation:Entrepreneur
Age:32
Nationality: Greek-Canadian
Height: 5'10


This was a last minute date. I was supposed to meet with a friend, but she cancelled on me. This dude had been on my nut sack, so I thought I'd give him a try. I put a ban on Greek guys a long time ago(don't get offended—I also have a ban on Nigerians, Russians, Romanians, and Vietnamese guys). I thought I would squash my prejudice for a moment.

It was another coffee shop date. It rained all evening. I was tempted to cancel. He suggested coming to my area, I said I would come to his(in case I ran into anyone I knew or he tried to follow me home). He was four minutes late and his cologne arrived before he did. He had short dark hair, olive skin, big brown eyes and a copious amount of hair product; I imagined that if I ran my hands through it, I could then lotion my body and wax a car. He wore jeans with some weird wash and one of his fanciest t-shirts.

As soon as he opened his mouth I knew it would go nowhere. We talked about his business, Greece and how it has the best beaches, people, music, etc... I love my Greek homies and appreciate Greek culture. What I don't appreciate is turdbaskets who toot their own horns excessively. He said that he's always wanted to date a black girl. I smiled faintly(hiding my disdain and the urge to stab him in his eye). I asked him if he would bring one home. He said that most likely he's going to marry a Greek or European girl. Thanks for your honesty, but why are you wasting my blooclawt time? He asked me if I like Greek guys. I said no.

It ended soon after. I think the ban will be reinforced.

Monday, November 15, 2010

POF

Le sigh...

mma83:your beautifulllllllllll
How many times can I stress the difference between your and you're? I'm going to burst a blood vessel if I think about it any longer. Telling me I'm beautiful isn't enough? Must you and 10 extra L's for emphasis?

wanting: uh holy boobs and face batman!
Yes, you're quite right—both are magnificent. Only some sort of uncultured philistine would think such a vulgar message is a suitable opening line. Kill me.

docman: i am the genuine men you are looking for look no father wright back if you can
???????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????
 I sincerely hope English is not his first language. His profile said he has a masters degree. Are they doling that shit out for free? Where can I procure one?

cuteguy29:hey babe just wanted 2 let u know u are really beautiful just wanted 2 know if u like 2 talk sometime get 2 know eachother and see where it goes if u do babe msg back if not it is cool babe and happy fishing....
This guy has messaged me several times. Each time I blocked him. I assume that he keeps creating new accounts because he thinks I'll forget how ghastly he was the previous time. He looks like an emaciated Vanilla Ice. We all know I like them hungry looking, but I have to draw the line somewhere. He seems to like the number 2 quite a bit. Maybe he wants me to shit on him?

Friday, November 12, 2010

I'm back

Hola muchachos! I 'm back from a short stint in the Dominican Republic. It was a working vacation(a little work but mostly play). When I was informed of where I would be staying, I googled it immediately and jizzed in my pants. When I travel, I am usually on a tight budget and tend to skimp on accommodation

I stayed at Casa Kimball, located on the north side of the island. This 20,000 square foot villa is owned by Spencer Kimball(one of the founders of Google, who is apparently single and needs to be my first husband) and designed by Rangr Studios. I'm not adept at describing architecture but it was AMAZING!

I was taken to my room, I immediatley took off my clothes and headed for the rain shower. The mirror was directly across from me, so I lathered up, danced and sang all while looking at myself. It was great.

I realized something on this trip. Spencer Kimball needs to be my first husband. After the marriage ends in a bitter divorce, I will take Casa Kimball from him and then it will become a sort of harem for me and all my Domincan boy toys. Must. Make. It. Happen.

Friday, November 5, 2010

Deuces!

I'll be out of town for a few days. I'm headed somewhere warm. I bought a $7.40 bathing suit that prominently displays my back-fat. Ah well. I won't be looking at it. What is proper bathing suit protocol? Do I need to bring a few or can I just wash the same damn bathing suit and wear that bitch everyday? Anywhoo, peace out!

Dating

My friend Stephanie ripped me a new a**hole in the comments section of date#15. I deserved it. I complain about meeting turdbaskets and when a nice young man steps into the picture, I sabotage it. I will try harder, but if there is no fire down below, what's a girl to do? Edelweiss may come back into the picture. Things could get interesting...

Thursday, November 4, 2010

Date#15-Half-way there

Codename:handkerchief
Nationality:Chinese-Canadian
Occupation:Defence contractor
Age:28


Here we are, half-way done. It has taken me forever and a day to get here. This is date#2 with Handkerchief.


We went to watch the Social Network. I almost cancelled because I was tired and I'm coming down with a cold. I cancelled on him earlier in the week and I would be a major turd if I did it again. He drove to my area. I was there early waiting in my car, sending people annoying BBM messages. My Facebook updates lit up: he requested me as a friend. Now, he is a great guy, but I have a very firm rule: I do not add POF guys to my Facebook page. I have a link to my blog and I also don't want them to see me in all my glory. I'm not sure how he found me because I don't recall telling him my last name(and I am sure you've guessed by now that my real name is not Rhodesia).

Anywhoo, we met inside the theatre. He came dressed from work in a suit, I looked like a bag lady. We got our tickets and made a trip to the concession stand. He ordered a kids popcorn deal that came with a Kinder suprise. I mocked him. We sat in cinema #17 catching up on each others lives for about ten minutes before the movie started. He told me that he added me on Facebook. I cringed inside as I explained why I couldn't(or wouldn't) add him. He said he was OK with it, but I think he was a bit disappointed.

 The movie started he offered me some of his popcorn, I declined at first(because movie theatre popcorn makes me constipated). I offered him some of my banana bread(which I snuck because I always bring my own snacks to movies). I feel relaxed with him, but I just don't know if I'm ready for what he is looking for. During the movie, he kept glancing over at me(like every five minutes). He asked me if I was OK a couple of times—I am watching the blasted movie! I don't have time to stare into someones eyes longingly.

The movie ended. We chatted a bit more as he walked me to my car. I gave him a hug and we parted. I like him but I just don't know if he's for me.

Wednesday, November 3, 2010

Hola

What up peeps? I've got another date with Handkerchief tonight. I'll keep you posted. Originally, I was supposed to go on 30 dates, with 30 different men. As you know, many most of my dates have been horrendous. I had a decent one the other day. I've decided to change it to 30 dates—period.