Pages

Search This Blog

Tuesday, September 28, 2010

Date#12

Codename:Coward aka.:The man that never was
Nationality:Canadian(Caucasian)
Age:Don't remember, don't give a f**k

So Coward and I had exchanged a few text messages and spoke on the phone briefly. We agreed that we would meet for lunch the next day. I told him to text me in the morning to arrange a meeting place. He did. So it was set ,we would meet on the corner of Wanker and Poltroon at 1:15pm. After an appointment I hurriedly walked to said meeting place. A tall slender white dude looked at me hard but kept walking(not thinking anything at the time). I stood there waiting and waiting and waiting. I am usually very punctual, so I don't like when people keep me waiting. I sent him a text message asking if he had arrived. No reply. It then dawned on me that it was the dude that looked at me and walked by. (I am chatting with a few dudes at the moment so their faces kind of meld together). I got stood up.

I wasn't that upset about it at first. I'm sure it would have been dismal anyway. Then I really started to think about it and I became fuming mad. I took time out of my day to meet someone and he didn't even have the courtesy to return a text message. I know he saw me. It couldn't have been my face because I have one of the most demure, virginal faces you will ever come across. Perhaps he found me too rotund? It doesn't matter. I'm not going to try and rationalize his callous act. It was rude and cowardly, period. I would never do that to anyone. I don't care if the dude looks like Gollum, I would suffer through the date because I agreed to meet. I am still counting this as a date because I showed up. I'm fine. My self-esteem hasn't taken beating because of this. Although, I thought of sending him messages about skinning him alive and then wearing his pelt like a fur coat. I opted not to.

Sunday, September 26, 2010

I think I've been hacked

Just a few minutes ago, something very strange happened. The flashing light on my blackberry indicated that I had two new messages. One was from POF and the other was from me. It was an email I had sent to someone in 2003. It was an angry email, one I had forgotten about. I just couldn't wrap my head around it. I know I didn't send this message to myself and I was pretty sure I deleted it a long time ago.

I logged onto my PC and checked my sent messages.There was no trace of the email. I viewed all my old messages and the furthest back is from 2004. How is it possible that a message that I deleted years ago could be sent to me by me? I find this rather unsettling. Any advice?

Saturday, September 25, 2010

Lucky #13

#13 try a fencing class

So, I had a private fencing lesson the other day. I met my former archery instructor  at his residence. We had a short discussion about what we would cover in my first(and possibly only) fencing lesson. We walked a short distance to a local park and he handed me a pair of leather fencing gloves and an épée. He explained the difference between modern and medieval fencing( I forgot about 30 seconds afterwards). We covered stance(en garde position), how to move forward and back, attack and retreat. All of this took place while people were walking their dogs, etc. We received a few strange glances and one man did a double take and said "I had to look back and make sure I was seeing correctly". Yeah twatface, I'm fencing in a mother f**king park, and WHAT? I didn't say that out loud, but I gave him a menacing look and slanted my épée in his direction. I felt like one of these turdbaskets .....


We'll see. I may take a few more lessons.

Thursday, September 23, 2010

Frequently asked questions

I find I get asked certain questions by POF suitors all the time. . These are the answers I would want to send them, but since I am a nice girl, I don't.

1)Do you like white guys?
I get this question often(at least once a day). Many times this is the first question they'll ask me. Asking me this question means you've already conceded defeat. You assume that I don't like white guys so why waste your time? How about asking me questions about my interests, etc.?

2)Why are you so pretty?
(I swear they really ask this) I wasn't born that way. I photograph well and paint my face artfully. Without all the artifice, I look like a pug( I KID).

3) What's your mix?
Am I a f*#ckin dog?(I think the pictures of me with a weave throws them off). My mix is straight up negro. (My friend Zahara who has fair skin and long hair often gets asked why she has herself listed as black, or people tell her she's made a mistake. HAHAHA! I find it amusing.)

4)I swear I'm not a douche. How can I get to know you?
By not making proclamations of your non-douchiness. Often, people who protest the most, are the most blantant offenders. Proclaiming you are not a douche generally means you are one.

5)Why are you on this site?
I ask myself that question everyday...because of the blog, because I am socially inept, because it makes me feel normal after perusing the turdbaskets online.

6)What do you like to do in your spare time?
Draw penises, make new penis flute songs, stare at myself in the mirror as I play my penis flute, send my brother poems and news on pork, harass my nephew Boobers, stare at the solitary hair on my chin, make voodoo dolls, meditate, levitate, prostrate, ejaculate, and emancipate.

7) I think you're hot. What do you think of me?
(they really ask this, especially the really ugly ones) If I could conjure up all the mucus in the world and the spit the biggest lugie onto your face, it would make a vast improvement. Beat it.

Monday, September 20, 2010

Sunday, September 19, 2010

Stats

So I finally checked out my stats. I was curious to see how many pageviews, audience, etc. I found it very informative. People do actually read this shite. Here are the top ten countries that read my blog(numbers are amount of pageviews by country):

Canada 2,346

United States 478
Italy 364
South Korea 319
Australia 142
France 24
United Kingdom 21
Trinidad and Tobago 17
India 12
Germany 9

And I still have less that 200 Facebook fans...JOIN MY MOTHER F@*CKING GROUP! Pretty please and thank-you.

Thursday, September 16, 2010

Date#11

Codename:Turtleface
Nationality:Canadian(Jamaican descent)
Occupation:Sales

Forgive me, because I am in the midst of a cyclical mood swing. I went for a drink(water and cranberry juice) at a big chain pub. This happened after my meditation class when I was all serene and shit. He was 12mins late. He was about 5'10, dark skin, low cut hair and a box like head. He wore a sweater with a corduroy jacket over it. When I didn't order alcohol he asked me if I was a recovering alcoholic. I told him about the cleanse, he seemed to lose interest in that topic pretty quickly. He's really into sports. I hate sports. He said he likes "thick" girls. That's great cause you'll never smash these cakes. He said that he just got out of a two year relationship and isn't looking for anything serious. Not my problem. It lasted an hour and I said I had to get up early.

To be honest with you I really didn't care and I think it showed. I'm starting to realize that maybe these dates suck because of me....no scratch that, they suck because I have been picking the wrong candidates. I'm just bitter and annoyed right now. Piss off.

Blog

My friend started a blog about things she finds aesthetically pleasing. It covers a  mélange of topics from music, art, photography and architecture. Here it is: http://chosesbelle.wordpress.com/ . Enjoy!

Hello

I 've had an interesting week spritual healer, accupunture, and meditation... I had a great day yesterday. I had lunch with a friend, went to a meditation class(which was very informative and will help me in my practice) and a date later in the evening. I'm in the midst of a cyclical mood swing and don't care to write about the date at the moment. I'll do it a bit later. Dueces!

Goodbye my love

If you have been reading this blog for a while now, you know there are no bounds for my love of pork. I have not consumed it for over a month now. While driving yesterday, I had two trucks with live pigs drive along side me— ears and snouts sticking out. I also had a very strange dream last night and it inspired me to write this poem.


My dearest swine
I have forsaken you once more
I have fallen prey to your detractors
They whisper foul things in my ear
Fatty, unclean, unhealthy
I dare not say more
Sweet morsel, what say you?
They tell untruths?

My pork chop
My tenderloin
My rumproast
My pig-in-a-blanket
How can something so sweet against thy lips be poison?
Shall I forget you?
I think not
That would be an improbability ...impossibility
I shall remember our splendour
Our picnic pork, garlic pork, pulled pork

This is not farewell forever
When I tire of your bland, unpalatable friends
I shall return to you in the night
Do not get attached
For it is fleeting
Our love...

Wednesday, September 15, 2010

What I am looking for

For some reason, it took me a long time to create this list. Beyond my normal procrastination, I found it extremely difficult to scribe the essence of what I want in a man. Part of the difficulty lies in the fact that I am not where I want to be in my life. So, how can I ask for these things in a potential mate? Well... I'm gonna do it anyway! Here is it:

Attractive-To me at least. He doesn't have to be conventionally good-looking but I must find him sexually appealing.(I know it shouldn't be first on the list)

Intelligent-He doesn't have to have a PHD or be formally educated but he must be knowledgeable(and smarter than me).

Good taste-He should know how to dress himself, have good taste in music, food, art,etc

Financially stable-I'm not, but he should be. I KID(not really)

Emotionally available-A guy that has played the field enough and knows that I'm the best piglet in the barn. He's not scared of commitment and doesn't conjure up silly excuses of why he can't be in a relationship.

Giving-I consider myself to be a giving person. I expect the same in return. If I find myself always making concessions and accommodating the others needs, it can't work.

Piquant-Means "of an interestingly provocative or lively character". He must be a little quirky or off centre. I need someone who can understand my off-colour jokes and phallic art.

Calm-I don't like men telling me what to do especially in a hostile tone. I feel like hot-tempered men are more likely to hit a woman. If someone(especially a man) yells in my face, it will end in two ways—I will sit there and ignore you(thinking of ways to maim you) or I will attack you.

Worldly-Someone well-travelled or at least has the desire to travel and see the world(beyond all-inclusive vacations). This may not be important to others but for me, I think its high on the list. I find that men who have no desire to travel are ridged in their views, taste in food and are not open-minded.


That's all I can think of...L HELP! What am I missing?

Monday, September 13, 2010

Great, this is the guy who likes fat girls

biglover:First off i just want to say i have been tested and confirmed to be HOT certified =) secondly Greetings, im here to talk with mature older larger women.. im very attracted to women with open minds and ideas, I enjoy computers, cars, shopping, clothing, movies, sleeping of course.I am very attracted to larger women, and its ok if your not large yet we can get you there =)Feel free to send me a message, i am open to chat.

This turdbasket messaged me and I found him utterly repulsive but clicked on his profile anyway. He was a slender, gawky looking white dude. He had a pasty complexion and a nose that bore more semblance to a beak. I want to know how he obtained this "HOT" certification. Were these people clinically insane? I may be large but I am not mature! How many times can he profess his love of the rotund? I have a feeling that if he ran out of big girls he would kidnap skinny girls and bring them to his pig farm to be force fed until ripe, never to be heard from again.

Cleanse-day 21

I have lost 9lbs! I feel my tastes slowly shifting towards healthier fare. I ordered something at a restaurant and didn't realize that it was fried. I still ate it and felt sick almost immediately afterwards. The Fascist wants the cleanse to go on for 6 weeks. I am inclined to continue now that I see results, but I am adding fruit back into the mix because I am sick of eating only bananas! I'm not really craving anything bad at the moment. I'll let you know if that changes.

Sunday, September 12, 2010

Date# 10/ The return of Edelweiss

CODENAME: Edelweiss
NATIONALITY:Austrian
(please insert Austrian accent when Edelweiss speaks)

You remember Edelweiss don't you? He was the most infamous and entertaining of my dates. We went out quite a while ago and neither one of us called or messaged afterwards. I thought he was interesting, but I had no intentions of pursuing anything. He called me a few weeks ago and we tried to get together before he jetted off to Europe. It wasn't possible, so he called me upon his return.

I picked him up and as he entered the car I took a big whiff of his cologne and said "hmmm, what are you wearing?" and he replied "clothes". We drove to a restaurant and I had to parallel park(anyone who knows me well can vouch for how horrendous my parallel parking skills are). He felt it necessary to make the comment "You know only like 20% of women can actually drive." I think I uttered some expletive at him and he said "well, judging by your parking skills I think I am correct." Before you get your panties in a twist, this is all said in jest. He has a dry sense of humour quite similar to mine, so I find it entertaining.

We discussed many things— his trip to Europe, my life, religion, healers, my cleanse and genocide. He is a very intelligent man. A lot of his knowledge wasn't attained through traditional channels. He ordered a pizza, I ordered a salad. He saw he me eyeing his pizza with prosciutto and other yummy stuff and he mocked me. He questioned what I could eat and said the following with a sly smile
"What about sausage? Can you have sausage?"
"NO."
"What about white meat?"

All I could do was laugh. He is just as vile as I am. He said many crazy things like " I was Jesus in a past life" or "we should open a brothel together." How can I resist someone who says more asisine things than I do?
I saw him eyeing my hair(the previous date I had a weave, which he eyed suspiciously as well). I had my hair slicked back and he proceeded to pat the top of my head and said" hmm,okay" and resumed our conversation. There was a bit of flirtation. He examined my pulse and told me it was lethargic and he examined my chi and said it was off (perhaps he can help me realign it).

The bill came and he payed without hesitation. While I was driving he said  "I think I want to kiss you" and I said " unless you want to die, that's not a good idea." Always swift with the retorts he said "well I thought you women were good at multi-tasking." We arrived at his residence and said goodnight and then he went in for a kiss on the...cheek! BOO!!!!!!!!!!!!! I totally thought he would go in for the kill. Perhaps I should have taken the reins. I don't think Edelweiss is the love of my life but I find him intriguing,vulgar, spiritual and smash worthy. I think I can learn quite a few things from the quirky Austrian...

Tuesday, September 7, 2010

Conversation with my brother on bbm

Bro: Can you take me to my appointment tomorrow?
Me: Busy slaying orcs...but I'll squeeze you in
Bro: I hate to interupt a good orc slaying
Me: How would you rate my writing skills: amazing, superb or moderately amazing?
Bro: Haha...how does amazingly crass sound?
Me:Scusi? Crass is not an appropriate word. Edgy, irreverent perhaps.
Bro: Okay. What about amazingly sardonic?
Me: I can deal with that
Bro:Perhaps even serendipitous. Btw, I hate that word
Me:You used it
Bro: I find it incredibly glib and pretentious at the same time
Me: Aside from content, how would you rate my style?What?Glib?
Bro:Not your writing, the word I used
Me: Wanker....Ohhhhh!
Bro: Foolclot
Me:whoopsies!
Bro: Your writing is a mixture of post impressionist and liberalism
Me: I liking very much!!Gonna go drop a deuce
Bro:WTF!!TMI!!
Me: WDD, SND
Bro: Don't know those ones????
Me: wanker doodle doo, Squat and drop
Bro:Wow. UNACCEPTABLE

Yeah what she said...

I met L while travelling with my dear friend E in Hungary a couple years ago. We were staying at a hostel in Budapest, when I spotted this gorgeous Aussie and knew we would be friends. We spent one of the most unforgettable days together; Tour of Budapest, thermal spring bathhouse(where I got molested by a middle-aged Hungarian woman who felt it necessary to massage my substantial buttocks), Vivaldi's Requiem at the Budapest Opera house(with one of the most beautiful frescoes on the ceiling) and an amazing dinner afterwards. She is one of the most articulate people I have come across. While reading her facebook status', I frequently pull up my dictionary. She wrote this comment under one of my dating posts:


Gorgeous Rhodesia, have you created a values list with behavioral dimensions of what you're looking for...? It may help to formulate a selection criteria that helps distinguish between seemingly superficial personal idiosyncrasies of potentially aligned mates... From markers characterizing deeper, darker, absolute-no's, what might be entirely intolerable! xx L

I am working on that list right now. This should be entertaining...

Sunday, September 5, 2010

Stephania(detox fascist) says...

This will take a lot of effort on the participants part, plus those around you and no cheating not even once.
I've bought the book and his other one 3 times that's how much I believe in it. You will get results so you must stick to the TOP TEN DETOX RULES which I will list for you and my 2 cents ;) :


1) No red meat-- Growing up Jamaican forces this upon you
"WHY YUH NA WAN EAT DI OX TAIL???!!!"

2) No dairy produce-- So rice, soya and Almond milk for you missy, say bye to the cow-- It's not taught that calcium comes from so many other fruits and vegetables

3) No fruit - except bananas-- it's for the first 21-30 days how long you plan to do it for..

4) No wheat, Gluten, Yeast -- Rice cakes "gluten free" pasta and bread but gluten free!! Brown rice yes!!!

5) No Alcohol - That's clear- no getting crunked - order a bottle of water at the club or restaurant-- people will think you are a recovering alcoholic as I often get mistaken for-- No I don't drink, beat it!

6) No biscuits, cakes, doughnuts etc -- That's CLEAR!! Nothing of the sort! Get rid of the ones in your house. Temptation will try to be your friend for the 1st week SO better to save yourself the agony

7) No jams, spreads - except honey --- Honey is magic, buy a good brand and use it wisely

8) No coffee, decaffinated coffee or tea-- Except herbal teas -- SO buy green tea and NO black teas

9) No SUGAR, Chocolate or sweets-- You will get creative on this.. I blend ripe bananas in soya milk and drink that in the morning for breakfast and it's like my "dessert".. Keep in mind I live in Italia and here breakfast is all sweet stuff so on the way to work I "SMELL" all this stuff being baked and it doesn't even phase me at all, once you are in control of your body you will be laughing!

10) No artificial produced flavourings: tomato ketchup, vinegar, mustard etc..--- SO no ratid "1000 island" salad dressing or anything creamy killing off the goodness of your salad (I remember my Aunty Birdy murdering her salad with that all my life)


Another rule which he doesn't put on the list-- clearly nothing fried, NO VEGETABLE OIL *****ONLY OLIVE OIL*****

You will loose cellulite, weight, your skin will glow, your eyes will be brighter..
Roll up at chapters and get the book, it's around 8-11 dollars if I'm right... ENJOY THE RIDE!!!!

Friday, September 3, 2010

Swordswoman

Last night was my final archery class. I'm going to miss it and people laughing at me when I tell them I take archery. Well now you'll have something else to laugh at...I'll be starting fencing classes shortly. Yes, fencing. I was worried about pricing because everywhere I checked, classes ranged from $300-500. I am poor and this blog is depleting was little pence I have. But I discovered that my archery instructor does private fencing lessons for considerably less. Now to decide whether I should study medieval or modern fencing...Stop laughing at me.

Looking for dates

I know I procrastinate. I know I should have finished at least half of the dates by now. When they were pounding down my door, I could have cared less. Now that I want to get them done and out of the way, its proving difficult. A friend's boyfriend said that I am in such a rush that I may skip over a great guy. I need to stop viewing this as a mission and enjoy the journey; My cynical nature and the twats that I have come across thus far, make that task quite arduous.

I accepted this task of going on 30 dates with hesitation. It wasn't my idea, but I agreed to it. Before this little experiment I  didn't date much. My friend Z thought it would be a great way for me to get out of my shell. Its helped a little bit. With each date I discover what I'm not looking for. When I go out I try and flirt, but for me it feels forced and unnatural. I will try harder. Only 19 more to go. I need some divine intervention....I KID!!!!!!!!!!!!!