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Friday, January 29, 2010

I thought I had it bad

These gems are from my friend Sahara's POF account. She is no longer taking her account seriously either. Entertainment and material for this blog are unfortunatley the only reasons we are maintaining the accounts.  "Sahara" is a stunning girl and I thought she would perhaps have a better pool of men to chose from. WRONG! A new day has dawned- One where douches reign supreme, common sense, chivalry and decency are morte. ' Tis a sad day...

Sexy_x: ur fkin sexy
I think the end of civilization is near when a man trying to mate with a nubile young woman cannot take the time to spell out an expletive.

KEVSTER: Sup??.....
Hmmmm....Truly puzzled. This is beyond laziness. Are you fed through a feeding tube because you can't be bothered to chew? Do you take a shard in a bed pan because you cannot be bothered to get up while watching a game? Do you use a motorized scooter when you are perfectly capable of walking? NO. Then why the f$@k would you message an attractive young woman and say "sup"? This means you were entirely too busy to write 'what's up?' Which still means you have nothing of substance to say. Sup...I'll tell you sup....

Energ: Sup purtty lady?
Really? Perhaps he is related to Cletus the slaw jawed yokel.

Look4youngluv: Are you opent to exploring a relationship with a married man.
"Sahara" is not a whore. She is a woman of virtue and would never get involved with a married man. If she chose to, she would certainly pick a man who could spell. There was no picture attached. I am guessing he is in his mid-forties to early fifties, slightly pudgy, watches porn every chance he gets, hasn't slept with his wife in 3 years, has hair growing out of every orifice and his children hate him.  Men like this should stick to Ashley Madison and relieve themselves at rub-n-tugs and leave the rest of us alone.

Yiayou: How are you? Do black girls like Greek guys?
Malaka. That depends. Do I get tzatziki on the side? How hairy are you? Do I have to listen to Greek music? Will I get to eat saganaki everyday? Will your yaya think I am a Turk and try and stab me in the eye?

WHOA!  WHOA! My initial reaction was to laugh (only because it didn't happen to me) then the severity of the message settled in.What a misogynist douche! Why would anyone think this was appropiate to send to a woman? Men like this, are the reason I carry pepper spray, pocket knife and a sharpened pencil with me when I travel.

Thursday, January 28, 2010


It seems like many of you enjoy reading my blog in secret. You like creeping on it, enjoying my irreverant sense of humour and such, but I have 9 followers. I thank my 9 loyal subjects and I chastise the creepers. I know you're reading because I have 410 profile views... I started this blog because I thought it would bring me tons of adulating fans grovelling at my feet, praising my brilliance and offering me cheese or sausages filled with cheese (have you tried one? the cheese explodes in your mouth when you bite into it). Anywhoo, become a follower or I'm going to shut this shit show down!

Wednesday, January 27, 2010


For your enjoyment, I have enclosed some new POF messages. I am almost certain I don't want to keep this account-I am not taking it seriously at all. I check it less often and when I do, it's like lifting the toilet seat only to find someone left their big turd floating in the bowl.

What I am really looking for is someone to sing Bobby Brown's "Tenderoni" to me, while staring into my eyes longingly, rubbing oil on my cankle with one hand and feeding me a pork sandwich with the other.

Pablito23:Just looking for a "fun friend" would you be interested in that type of friend. I will be fun for the both of us.
I am starting to question if I look like a putana. Would I be interested in a "fun friend"?? So you're asking me if I would be interested in sleeping with a 5'6  Vatos locos looking MOTHER F$@CKER, with a member that is probably the size of a Vienna sausage. No gracias.                    

yours77:sundays are my favorit day of the week
and it would be nice to spend it with someone
as beautiful as you
Sunday was my favorit day of the week until you went and shat on it. He looks like the kind of guy who's perfect Sunday would include playing PS3 all day while I iron his shirts,make him a sandwich and have sex with him while still playing PS3. Not in this life douche!

mandem:Hey Sweetie , How does abrotha like me , try to get to know you better
By not creating words like "abrotha" and not having a Zoot suit as an integral part of your wardrobe.

zani:Hi,Great pic, u hot.Dinner?
This message was written by a 42 year old caucasian man. I feel like this message was written by tarzan "Jane me hungry".  Either English isn't his first language or he didn't find it necessary to take the time to scribe the few extra words it would have taken to make reading this message tolerable. Would dinner involve him killing a possum with a rock or his bare hands?

busyness:i like your say in certainly sound very smart and you look very beautiful.
let me introduce myself please
my name is DOUCHE. I live and work in downtown Toronto.
Currently i am buidling my own business in canada.
I am looking for smrat and good people to work with me and explore the opportunites my business can offer.If you are looking for business opportunity, please let me know. we maybe business partensr soon
You're either running some kind of pyramid scheme or you want to be my pimp. Not interested.

Tuesday, January 26, 2010


The Jehovah's witnesses used to make frequent stops to my house over the years. From the age of 16, I  let it be known that I am an atheist and cannot be swayed. That only made them more resolute and focused on saving me. One day I answered the door and this young fresh-faced girl started her preaching. I stopped her mid-rant, stared at her intently and said " It's too late. I have started practicing the dark arts. You must leave now." I have never seen a look of innocence vanish so quickly. They never came back.

Monday, January 25, 2010


I once told people that I broke the veneer on my front tooth biting into an apple. I lied. I was home alone on a Friday night biting into a piece of Popeye's fried chicken.

ZIE LIST cont'd

It just calls my name(with a bhangra beat in the background). Mumbai, Dehli, Agra, Jaipur, Jodpur, Goa and maybe go trekking in Nepal (who am I kidding, I don't even go hiking). If anyone has any hook-ups for India or is willing to pay for my ticket HOLLA!

Just thinking about it makes me shard my pants. I am not extremely afraid of heights- I would say it's a moderate fear. If there is a barrier of some kind, the fear subsides. I stood at the edge of a gorge in South Africa (no barrier) for just a few seconds. Beads of sweat formed on my forehead, I envisioned myself tumbling to my death and my parents having a service with no body( I know I'm an idiot). Another moment I am proud of is riding an elephant a few weeks after falling off a horse. I think integral part of this journey is  to push myself far beyond what I deem comfortable.

I envision myself in early 90's Jean Paul Gaultier nautical attire, Hermes scarf tied gracefully around my head, drinking a mimosa at 10am. I have been on a yatch and cruise ship(barf) but I want a true sailing experience. I already know some saling terms: forward, aft, bow, stern, hull, buoy, port and starboard and ahoy!!!!! I am willing to work for food and champagne. I promise I will only vomit once over the port side of the ship. If you have a sailboat and would like to extend an invitation, I accept.

20.RIDE ON THE BACK OF A MOTORCYCLE or a vespa will do
That's all.

Since chilhood, my relationship with animals has been...hostile. They don't like me, I don't like them. I have been tormented by dogs, thrown off a horse, cats glare at me, a bird flew into my head, a chimp threw a log towards me and an evil peacock stalked me. At the lodge I stayed at in South Africa I was informed that there were monkeys on the premises. I never saw them--I would hear them singing in the trees above me everytime I went for my afternoon stroll. I was convinced they were plotting a guerilla style ambush in their secret monkey language. I thwarted their efforts by changing my routine. Maybe next time monkeys!!!!!  I promise to make a valiant effort in improving interspecies relations (not in that way you freaks!).

I have been chemically straightening my hair since the age of 12. Slathering sodium hydroxide on my head every 8 weeks for more than 15 years. Many times I would do it myself because I was too cheap to go to the hairdresser. Many times I would not wear gloves and keep it on past the recommended amount of time. I would end up with scalp burns, but my hair was straight! No more creamy crack!

I am of West Indian origin. My mother makes amazing roti. She has tried to teach me her ways several times.... I learn slowly. She gets frustrated with my snail pace and kicks me out of the kitchen. I am determined to be a roti master!!!!

I am not going to do both. I don't really have an interest in either one but I need to expand my horizons.

I tend to be a hermit. I need to be more social. I have amazing (and good looking!) friends, but I have always been a lone ranger. I am not outgoing in social situations. Sometimes I'll stand in the corner and talk to my glass of wine. When travelling, this is not a problem for me. Many times I have travelled on my own and it's a necessity to meet new people and make fast friends. I am not one to change friends like I do underwear. I chose the people in my life wisely (most of the time) and value their friendship. Once you break my fortress of reclusivity, it's a golden place to be and you'll never want to leave......

This will require a wearing an skimpy, shiny outfit and gyrating along a parade for hours in the heat. I have no problem with the gyrating part-- it's the barely there outfit that makes me nervous. I said I would do ....yeah.

Several attempts have been made, with no success. I have the attention span of a squirrel. I close my eyes and try to clear my head-- instead I think of croissants, how uncomfortable the lotus position is, how long do I have to do this crap and if I fart does that mean I am not really focused. I will try harder. Maybe take a meditation class. Maybe.

I despise it with every fibre of my being. I think it is pointless and when I see people doing it I want to take a bow and arrow and pierce it through their heart so they'll stop singing. In the interest of trying new things, I shall participate in this dreadful pastime.

Since I had a car accident a few years ago, I have developed some serious road rage.When people do things like don't signal, swerve into your lane, cut you off an then proceed to drive slowly in front of you- I can't handle it. After driving with people who suffer from more severe road rage than I-I realized that we look crazy! I will no longer flip people off, curse of try and follow the offender. Instead of yelling "MOTHER F*@CKETY  F*@K  FACE" I will say " Oh, I forgive your error in judgement, have a blessed day".

Very few people know this highly guarded secret... I have never sat on a bike in my life. As a child I had Polio and Scurvy..... No I didn't. As a child I had more interesting things to do like kill lizards, suffocate catepillars in jars and play with my imaginary friends. The older I got the more embarassing it became. I would say I prefer to walk or I couldn't afford a bike (when my brother had one). Do they have adult tricycles? It's out. Let the torment begin. I dare you to make fun of me to my face. I will pop you.

Thursday, January 21, 2010

How do I know if I am a douche or a putana?

You are wondering where the other half of my list is? I am still suffering from PMS, so I will not share it until I am ready. The good thing about a dictatorship is that I can do whatever I want, govern this blog as I see fit. If you find this blog and any of it's content objectionable, I suggest you beat it.....(insert eastern bloc accent) I JOKE, I KID...Please don't leave me.

As you know, two of my favourite words are douche and putana. Some of you are wondering if you are a douche or putana. If you have to question yourself or there is any inkling of doubt,  let's err on the side of caution and say yes. Douches and putana's are not confined to a certain geographical region, race or religion. They belong to everyone.

I AM A DOUCHE IF...........
  • you have an abnormal amount of hair products and your hair feels like it's sculpted from the dolomites, you have an S curl(please google if unfamiliar), jheri curl, faux-hawk, bro-hawk, mullet, rat-tail, jewfro, white guy with cornrows, any guy with cornrows, highlights or your hair looks like you could have been a member of white snake or poison
  • your facial hair looks like it was sculpted by a laser
  • you wear a beaded necklace.   
  • your shirt is unbuttoned more than 2 buttons and tufts of hair, a gold chain or beaded necklace hang out
  • wearing a t-shirt so tight, it looks like it belongs to your little sister or on the opposite end of the spectrum one that looks like the nightshirt I bought from walmart the other day
  • you refer to women as mami, shawty, habibi, babe, babycakes, sweetness or hottie
  • you wear Ed Hardy ANYTHING
  • you have a grill, gold teeth or a diamond on your tooth(seems to be more popular in Europe)
  • you smell of weed, burned through your nasal cavity because of cocaine use or still pretend that you are a raver and do E
  • your pants are so tight I can see your man bulge and I wasn't even asked if I wanted to see it. How rude!
  • you pour champagne on girls
  • you get bottle service everytime you go out and you really can't afford it
  • you buy me a drink and expect me to hang out with you for more than 5 minutes
  • you go tanning
  • you display symptoms of roid rage
  • your neck is as thick as a tree trunk and your biceps look like they are giving birth to twins
  • you don't date women your age because you know they will call you on your shit and won't put up with shit
  • you are willing to spend more money on rims than child support
  • you have rims that spin
  • you listen to Euro and freestyle
  • the bass in your car is so loud I can feel it vibrating in my car. Thank-you.
  • women frequently call you a DOUCHE    

I AM A PUTANA IF...........
  • you have a perennial tan, have a membership to a tanning salon, smell like tanning oil or self tanner on a daily basis
  • your skin looks like leather cow hide from excessive tanning
  • you wear lipstick or lipgloss that looks like someone jizzed on your mouth
  • you have to replenish your eyeliner every 3 weeks
  • you wear foundation that is 3 or more shades darker than your complexion
  • you are a brown or black girl and you wear foundation that looks like a ghost jizzed on your face.
  • bronzer is your best friend and lover
  • you wear different colour weaves to match your outfits
  • you use "the bump" in your hair or tease it to attain heights never seen before
  • you have an acrylic french manicure
  • you own one or several pairs of shoes with clear lucite heels
  • your favourite stores are Guess, Marciano or Bebe
  • you love animal print more than life itself
  • you frequently wear something that was meant to be a top, as a dress
  • you wear one of these top/dresses in the winter with no panty-hose or tights, open toed heels and no jacket because you want all the douches to see you in your full glory walking into the club and you always get in quickly because you "know" all the bouncers
  • you say your body is a temple and critize people for eating a burger when you smoke a pack a day, go tanning, eat tv dinners and drink excessivily
  • you have eyelash extensions that look like spiders have nested on your eyes
  • you wear a lace front weave and I can see the lace on your forehead
  • you look in every mirror or shiny surface you walk by and do your best porn face
  • you don't see anything wrong with displaying your camel toe 
  • you chew gum loudly and stroke your hair at the same time
  • you take pride in knowing all the latest bashment moves and you post a video of yourself  and some guy dry humping you on you tube

Tuesday, January 19, 2010


Feeling supremely bitch-tackulous today(PMS). Not in the mood to post the other half of my list. Instead I will share another dollop of the douchiness that is Plenty of fish. I didn't check it for many days because I just don't have the patience. You know... it's like when you're all excited to get a gift from a friend but you know this person usually gives the most asinine gifts. So you brace yourself, but somewhere inside of you there is a glimmer of hope. You think 'this time it will be different'. It won't be.You slowly open your gift, and quelle surprise.......  it's a basket of excrement. A big ol' heaping pile of shite! Not even shite dressed up in a tuxedo or trying to disguise itself as something else....just shite...

If you are wondering if I have been out with any of these turdbombs, the answer is no. There have been plenty of guys that seem nice and somewhat normal, but I have no interest in. You know the deal, their screen names have been changed but my bitter, snarky retorts are the same.

 wize1:i am totally feelin your vibe
you seem like a real womans woman strong, no-nonesense, confident, classy but very seductively sexy i can tell from your pose in your pic ...i can also be wrong but i don't think so .. do tell.Drinks you like im guessing apple martini suits the image !!
 Right, right,right and martini??? You had me until apple martini. That tells me you think that I am a putana with an acrylic french manicure, gloss that looks like someone jizzed on my mouth and a tramp stamp on my back. Beat it.

God123:Hi,I just moved here from the US and it is so hard
to meet some one. Would it be OK if I ask you
some thing? are you really looking for a good
man? because I'm really looking for a good
woman. She must know who God is. If she does
not know him, I can not know her.
Boy is he ever barking up the wrong tree.... For those who don't know me I am a atheist, humanist, infidel. I have a feeling if we were to go on a date he would try and throw holy water on me( I once had someone rub something on my wrists and tell me it was perfume, it was holy water and it did burn my skin a little) . So ... NO, you cannot know me.

marke3:You are the first black woman I have seen on here that is good looking,the
best on the site, so far....thank you for that. What is your background??
self-hating negro......that is all I am going to say about that........So much more I could say... but I won't.

D3e323:Soooo I just thought I would ask..."hypothetically speaking of course"...what the odds would know "hypothetically speaking of course"...of a guy like me and a girl like you going out for a latte sometime...this is strickly "hypothetically speaking of course"...LOL ;-)
"hypothetically speaking" the answer would be ......wait for it......wait for it....NO. Get some balls. What the f#@k is with all these LOL's.

yeti34:i am 34 years old and i have been in toronto 9 monthes , i am form iran and i lived in gemnay 10 years i am looking for nice girls for relationship. sorry a bout my english .
I feel a little bad for mocking this one..... that was fleeting. I will totally excuse the English. There are many people who have English as a first language and have the same writing skills. Many of them have messaged me. He seems nice, but he looked a little like Chewbaca.

Monday, January 18, 2010


My impending 30th birthday(well, more than a year away) has made me reflect on my life, the things I have done and things I have yet to do. I compiled a list of 30 things that I need accomplish before the sun sets on my youth. Some things may seem pedestrian or banal to a few of you; That would mean that you are a heartless misanthrope and you cannot apprieciate a human story of triumph and failure. I suggest you stop reading my blog.

I nearly took a shard in my pants while typing this list. I created it a couple weeks ago, before this whole blog shite started I made some revisions. I did this because there a couple things that I do not want to share publicly. Not to worry, there are still very embarrassing things on this list  but in the interest of not being the cowardly lion that I usually am, I will have to grin and bare it. If you make fun of me I WILL punch you in the face( residual anger from childhood bullying surfaces on occasion). The list isn't in order or chronological necessity or importance, just as long as I get 'er done! I am only sharing 15 things today. You'll have to come back tomorrow for the rest.

Never had the desire until now

A lot of people from tropical countries don't know how to swim. I was too busy playing with my imaginary friends and killing lizards.

Once I master the swimming ofcourse.

I have wanted to tango with the green fairy for a while now. I want the real ish, not the stuff they sell in Canada.

Those who know me well, understand how difficult this task will be as I am an avid and voracious meat eater. I once went a week without meat and I started thinking about eating people. This will require an enormous amount of will power.

Nothing beats a good old fashioned butt flush. It's not new to me but it's been a while. Maybe I'll get the colonic first and then 2 meat free weeks and my colon will be as clean as a whistle!

I am giving a percentage because there is no effin way I am telling you how much I weigh..... Maybe once I lose it. I have lost 3lbs so far!

8.DANCE and maybe sing IN THE RAIN
We all remember Gene Kelly and that famous scene in 'Singing in the rain'. I have always wanted to do it, but fear of looking crazy and the hair disaster that would ensue has stopped me. I had a secret fantasy running down a hill somewhere and singing The Sound of Music. That dream came true in the scenic hills of Swaziland a short while ago. It was very freeing.

We all know what a disaster that has been. I know you are thinking this bitch just put it on the list because she's already done it. It was there! I swear !

Again, this was on my list beforehand. I didn't know what to write about because it had been so long since I wrote anything. It all started with an e-mail to my friends detailing my on-line dating horrors and they found it so amusing they forwarded it over and over again. I was encouraged to start a blog by two special ladies. Gracias : )

I tend to be passive agressive. When I feel someone has wronged me, I don't say anything because I think I may be over reacting and I need to mull it over. I think about things like suffocating them in a dutch oven or cleaning my dung filled shoes with their toothbrush. I wait until I feel like I have been wronged so egregiously that I cannot look back and then I disappear like a ninja in the night. I am trying to change it and SPEAK UP when something bothers me.

I have always wanted to try it. I think I would look quite elegant doing it and it's more in line with my tastes. I don't fare well with sports that are more suited to people of peasant lineage (I KID). The only sport I was ever good at was shot put or anything that required brute force.

I think it's a very elegant sport. I am on a journey to become a lady. Also, there may be some rich dudes there.

I have friends in Italy, France and Greece. I hope to visit atleast one of them in the next year. Maybe do an ambush visit and just show up.

I have never been in love. Ever. You may think it's probably because I am a cold, heartless shrew of a woman (you would be mostly right) but I have a great capacity to love. I just need to find someone willing to melt the icebox that is my heart. Maybe someone with a blow torch. You may be wondering what if I don't meet someone and fall in love?' Good question. Then I shall fall in love with an inanimate object, like a bridge and marry it. Although, it may be difficult to consummate....

Now beat it until tomorrow.

Friday, January 15, 2010


I made a New Years resolution (don't know why I make them because I never keep them) to not use foul language and stop making offensive and sexually suggestive remarks to people. I said I would stop using the words douche and putana so frequently. I have failed, miserably. People often wonder why I am so quiet.....Perhaps I don't like you or I just ate some game meat and don't want to breath in your face or the more likely scenario is I don't want to share the thoughts that frequent my depraved mind.

You are probably wondering where my list of 30 things is? It's coming. I just have some trepidation about sharing these things with strangers. It shall arrive on Monday(PROCRASTINATION).

Why me

The following was sent to me by a plenty of fish user.

#1)subperb34: Hey how are you? No reply.

#2)subperb34: Do you do parties? WTF are you asking me???? Are you asking me if I am a prositute, a harlot, an escort, a woman of ill repute????? I am truly boggled by this because my profile picture is from the shoulder up. There is no visible cleavage and my face is more virginal than whorish. Did he look at it and say 'wow look at that clavicle, she likes a good gang bang'.  Being a lady of  unshakable virtue you can image how this affected my usually pleasant countenance. I have been shaken, not stirred. Another day, another douche.........

Wednesday, January 13, 2010

Full disclosure

Should I disclose that I'm a fatty on a dating website? Under body type I selected "prefer not to say".  My profile picture is only of my face and I think many of these fools get stunned by it's inherent beauty ( I KID) and envision someone more svelte. I am by no means being self-deprecating, just realistic; I am actually quite vain but I feel like I am not projecting the truth.

I checked out the profile of guy who messaged me and under drug use he put "socially" . Does that mean that you do an 8 ball of coke with your douchey friends every weekend?  Or you smoke weed everyday? Either way, he wasn't good looking enough for me to care... But if he was honest enough to disclose that he does drugs, shouldn't I be brave enough to admit my rotundness? The problem is there isn't a description that I find fitting. I want something like this " Rubenesque mahogany hued Nubian goddess".  What do you think? Should I disclose?

Tuesday, January 12, 2010

More on-line dating douche-baggery

You know the deal. There are a few things that will guarantee that I will not reply to a message on Plenty of fish (the fish should be replaced with douchebags). One of my grievances- improper grammar!!! By no means am I claiming to be a grammar tsar but basic knowledge of the English language would be nice. Here is a lesson: your precedes possession, ie: Oh, I didn't realize that is your face I'm sitting on. You're = you are. You're a douchebag. Do not write to me as if you're sending a text to one of your nondescript side-pieces. I am a lady and I speak the Queen's English.  Full sentences, proper punctuation, good diciton and no emoticons is de rigueur. Here are todays gems.

Porthole: yur sexy mama
Still trying to figure out if "yur" is Kurdish, Finnish or douchebag for your, which is still INCORRECT!!!  His face isn't bad, worthy of sitting on. From his shirtless picture, I can see that he works out or is a labourer of some kind. I just have a feeling that he may smell of cigarettes, kraft dinner, Canadian club whiskey and broken dreams. I'll pass.

Love35: hi i just want to say was up
Attached was a picture or two parrots kissing. A little barf-worthy, but sweet. Dear Mr. Rasta, your mesh Jamaica shirt and dreadlocks tell me that you are commited to your cause. I am a lover of pork and all pork products and cannot be swayed from my vile tendancies. I wish you luck but I also don't want to help you raise your 4 children.

Mubuntu: Care to tell me more about yourself?

Amigo: Good afternoon, let me introduce myself and not come off rude: I am Tony.You are quiet a fascinating woman, very intriguing. So what might your name be? whats your background? thats jus a few question to start off... I checked out his profile, it says he is a poet??????  Then write me a Mother F%$&ing poem bitch! 

.Ital: My chocolate dream.
If only I had that wooden club with metal spikes attached to it. Can somebody make me one?

Chris1929:  Wat up ma? LOL
What the f$@k is so funny? Again, I am not your mother!!! This is some Oedipus shit right here. You are 33 and I am pretty sure that your pic was taken in your mother's basement. Your "luv" for things that I have no interest in, your t-shirt dress, fake gold chain and pretending to be Puerto Rican from Brooklyn when you clearly are a brown guy from Brampton is sad.

Tuxedo80: You got msn?
Prison body and  tattoos, not my thing. But a face worthy on a sit-on is..... Until I read his profile and saw this "I'm very attracted to a woman that knows the rule of life, a woman that respects a mans position and role, that he plays or must play in a relationship." If you're looking for a subservient woman , you're barking up the wrong tree buddy. This is the kind of guy that you sleep with, don't tell any of your friends about  because you are too ashamed  to admit that you pounded such a vagrant, but he knows how to smash them cakes so you keep him around until you grow weary of his drama, so you cut him off and he starts stalking you, so you have to  get a restraining order, which puts him back in custody because he is on probation, so you are safe for a while. The answer is no, I don't have msn.

Monday, January 11, 2010

Day 3 of my disastrous on-line dating experience

Note to my friends: It seems like you guys enjoy the torturous details of my new on-line dating experience. It has now been 3 days and too many clowns to mention. My tagline is 'looking for someone who is not a douche'. I recently read The Secret and it says to ask the universe for what you want. If you mention what you don't want, that's exactly what you'll get. BINGO! I must change my approach, but this proves difficult as my nature is to be cynical and I cannot think of something sweet and syrupy to say. All I can think of is ' looking for someone to massage my corns' or ' looking for a skinny guy who wants to be force fed while hog-tied'. My friend 'Sahara' and I signed up together and we helped one another to create our profiles. She seems to have some interesting turdbombs as well. This is a mixture of mine and hers. I have changed their screen names to protect their anonymity. Perhaps my responses give insight into why I am single.

zenman: I just wanted to stop by and say "hi"
Why is "hi" in quotation marks? Do you talk about yourself in third person as well?

seeker43: The lack of info on your profile is totally forgiven when looking at your profile pic.
WHAT? This only proves that you are a vain, vapid human being and that you'd be willing to look past my lack of personality because I have a pretty face? Fuck off and perhaps you shouldn't wear the t-shirt that you got from your team building exercise two years ago in your profile pic.

sandman77:I'm a fun guy and what could possibly go wrong with a little fun conversation
Plenty. Judging by the looks of you, your interpretation of fun may involve a dungeon and me in garbage bags,scattered around Lake Ontario.

camilo: Ur pretty.
Again what is "ur"? Your center parted shoulder lenght hair looks like it hasn't been washed since you bought your first Megadeath album.

Guyman25:You should be careful with the "fun" part, your gonna encounter alot of!
I think the quote 'he who smelt it, dealt it' is apt here. Why do you feel the need to point out the freaks unless you are one?

elixer:so whats up?
Fuck off. This tells me you suck in the sac. No effort.

E-nice:hey how are u doin ma
I am not your mother and I would be ashamed if I were. Is putting up a profile picture of yourself sitting on a couch lifting up your shirt showing your one pack supposed to entice me? It did the opposite. Also please run an Afro-pick through your hair.

Stablefella4u:I think every man has a type of woman which is his ideal woman and you are definitely mine. I know you are a very beautiful woman but to me you are perfection. I don’t think there is anything more heavenly than a beautiful black woman. But then I read your ad and amazingly you seem just as beautiful on the inside as the outside. I definitely prefer black women and not merely because I find black women much more beautiful than other women but because of your beautiful strong confident personalities. I really respect that. After being with black women I feel other women seem to have such bland personalities in comparison. To me you black women are Queens and should be treated as such.
I am very confident in public and at work but in relationships it feels most natural for me to be submissive to my partner’s needs and demands and I do prefer a dominant woman. I put my woman on a pedestal and welcome one who demands I put her needs first. I love to pamper and cater to a woman and am very attentive. I definitely know how to treat a strong willed black woman and i never act like a douche. I am not desperate just hopeful and if you think I am someone who could be special to you I hope you will get back to me.
Hopefully, Jeff
P.S. I am one of those people who can’t take a good photo, I’m really not that dorky looking but I bet all dorky looking people say that.

YOU AGAIN!!Does this look familiar??? This message was also sent to my friend 'Sahara', verbatim. I appreciate your love for the sisters but I have a sneaking suspision that we don't love you back. Now I want to gather a bunch of my friends and beat him with a cricket bat, while hog-tied to make up for all the creepy middle-aged white men who used to pick me up when I was 14 and ask me if I had big areolas.

Friday, January 8, 2010

On-line dating

This was meant to be a blog solely about my new experience with on-line dating, but I think I may mix it up a bit, make it a tossed salad. Posts will include my struggle to lose my Rubenesque figure, my search for the perfect skinny Swedish boy, travel, bitterness, colonics, things I love (including Swedish boys), getting over my fears (the list is boundless), cynacism and much more. If you're looking for sunshine and lollipops, go somewhere else.

I joined POF a few days ago with a friend and the experience has been...harrowing, hilarious and perplexing. I couldn't resist sharing some of the messages I received with my friends. I attached my sardonic thoughts and the response was overwhelming. Whoever thought that my bitter and cynical ramblings would bring joy and laughther to someone's day. Enjoy.

P.S: I did not actually send these! I am a bitch but I value my life. I have changed their screen names to protect their anonimity.


Eddie798 : Ya cutie.
Ya what doucheface??????????

Stable_ fella4you:I think every man has a type of woman which is his ideal woman and you are definitely mine. I know you are a very beautiful woman but to me you are perfection. I don’t think there is anything more heavenly than a beautiful black woman. But then I read your ad and amazingly you seem just as beautiful on the inside as the outside. I definitely prefer black women and not merely because I find black women much more beautiful than other women but because of your beautiful strong confident personalities. I really respect that. After being with black women I feel other women seem to have such bland personalities in comparison. To me you black women are Queens and should be treated as such.I am very confident in public and at work but in relationships it feels most natural for me to be submissive to my partner’s needs and demands and I do prefer a dominant woman. I put my woman on a pedestal and welcome one who demands I put her needs first. I love to pamper and cater to a woman and am very attentive. I definitely know how to treat a strong willed black woman and i never act like a douche. I am not desperate just hopeful and if you think I am someone who could be special to you I hope you will get back to me.Hopefully, Jeff
P.S. I am one of those people who can’t take a good photo, I’m really not that dorky looking but I bet all dorky looking people say that.
This is from a bald 50 year old caucasian man who has obviously watched too much black porn. I am tempted to meet him and beat the shit out of him with a wooden paddle, with spikes at the end of it. I'll show you a dominant black woman.

Terry_mac: hey beautiful, what will it take to get to know u?
A forehead that is not the size of Texas, better looking face and no children.

Zukiiertot: You think I look like a douche?
I nearly wet my pants with this one.My answer is a resounding YES! Your hair was clearly cut at First Choice or at the Walmart salon where you also picked up your striped cotton shirt and dad jeans. Now.... my tagline was looking for someone who is not a douche. Clearly you did not get

Proxy: Hey! How are you? I"ve never seen such a beautiful woman like you. What's your name?
My name is I don't date Serbian fobs with tight ass Ed Hardy t-shirts.

Sweetnuts:i jus couldnt resist ur gorgeous profile so i had 2 stop by and say heloo...
The subject line for this message was 'Sweet and healthy for you'??????? I beg to differ. Learn how to spell hello and just and what is ur? Is that Finnish? F@#k.

69games: wat's going on shawty?
Hmmm. Where do I begin with this one.... I find his screen name so repulsive and his face not even worthy of sitting on. Don't speak to me in your peasant language.

My name is not babe. You will never know my name. I got your message and I chose to ignore it, just as I will this one.

Britainfinest33: What is a douche? I guess that I am not one cause I dont know the
LoL indeed.Judging by your answer and your profile pic, you clearly are one.

Phantom123: WOW...ur like WOW....sorry didn't make ur day goin so far?.....makin it a bit longer.... wut did the frog do to the paper.......?????RIBIT.....I hope u atleast cracked a smile cause a women that beautiful should be smileing all the time...
This is by far one of my favs!! I'm glad to know that my perceived beauty can stupefy a grown man out of rudimentary knowledge of the English language. I also found his devil like goatee rather unsettling .I think getting a pap smear may be more humorous than his joke.

Portugueseinu: Your SUPER GORGEOUS!!!
Portuguese for me.... No thanks, it gives me indigestion. Also your wicked cool tan, spiked hair and sunglasses at night remind me of Jersey Shore. Beat it!