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Monday, January 11, 2010

Day 3 of my disastrous on-line dating experience

Note to my friends: It seems like you guys enjoy the torturous details of my new on-line dating experience. It has now been 3 days and too many clowns to mention. My tagline is 'looking for someone who is not a douche'. I recently read The Secret and it says to ask the universe for what you want. If you mention what you don't want, that's exactly what you'll get. BINGO! I must change my approach, but this proves difficult as my nature is to be cynical and I cannot think of something sweet and syrupy to say. All I can think of is ' looking for someone to massage my corns' or ' looking for a skinny guy who wants to be force fed while hog-tied'. My friend 'Sahara' and I signed up together and we helped one another to create our profiles. She seems to have some interesting turdbombs as well. This is a mixture of mine and hers. I have changed their screen names to protect their anonymity. Perhaps my responses give insight into why I am single.

zenman: I just wanted to stop by and say "hi"
Why is "hi" in quotation marks? Do you talk about yourself in third person as well?

seeker43: The lack of info on your profile is totally forgiven when looking at your profile pic.
WHAT? This only proves that you are a vain, vapid human being and that you'd be willing to look past my lack of personality because I have a pretty face? Fuck off and perhaps you shouldn't wear the t-shirt that you got from your team building exercise two years ago in your profile pic.

sandman77:I'm a fun guy and what could possibly go wrong with a little fun conversation
Plenty. Judging by the looks of you, your interpretation of fun may involve a dungeon and me in garbage bags,scattered around Lake Ontario.

camilo: Ur pretty.
Again what is "ur"? Your center parted shoulder lenght hair looks like it hasn't been washed since you bought your first Megadeath album.

Guyman25:You should be careful with the "fun" part, your gonna encounter alot of!
I think the quote 'he who smelt it, dealt it' is apt here. Why do you feel the need to point out the freaks unless you are one?

elixer:so whats up?
Fuck off. This tells me you suck in the sac. No effort.

E-nice:hey how are u doin ma
I am not your mother and I would be ashamed if I were. Is putting up a profile picture of yourself sitting on a couch lifting up your shirt showing your one pack supposed to entice me? It did the opposite. Also please run an Afro-pick through your hair.

Stablefella4u:I think every man has a type of woman which is his ideal woman and you are definitely mine. I know you are a very beautiful woman but to me you are perfection. I don’t think there is anything more heavenly than a beautiful black woman. But then I read your ad and amazingly you seem just as beautiful on the inside as the outside. I definitely prefer black women and not merely because I find black women much more beautiful than other women but because of your beautiful strong confident personalities. I really respect that. After being with black women I feel other women seem to have such bland personalities in comparison. To me you black women are Queens and should be treated as such.
I am very confident in public and at work but in relationships it feels most natural for me to be submissive to my partner’s needs and demands and I do prefer a dominant woman. I put my woman on a pedestal and welcome one who demands I put her needs first. I love to pamper and cater to a woman and am very attentive. I definitely know how to treat a strong willed black woman and i never act like a douche. I am not desperate just hopeful and if you think I am someone who could be special to you I hope you will get back to me.
Hopefully, Jeff
P.S. I am one of those people who can’t take a good photo, I’m really not that dorky looking but I bet all dorky looking people say that.

YOU AGAIN!!Does this look familiar??? This message was also sent to my friend 'Sahara', verbatim. I appreciate your love for the sisters but I have a sneaking suspision that we don't love you back. Now I want to gather a bunch of my friends and beat him with a cricket bat, while hog-tied to make up for all the creepy middle-aged white men who used to pick me up when I was 14 and ask me if I had big areolas.