As you know, two of my favourite words are douche and putana. Some of you are wondering if you are a douche or putana. If you have to question yourself or there is any inkling of doubt, let's err on the side of caution and say yes. Douches and putana's are not confined to a certain geographical region, race or religion. They belong to everyone.
I AM A DOUCHE IF...........
- you have an abnormal amount of hair products and your hair feels like it's sculpted from the dolomites, you have an S curl(please google if unfamiliar), jheri curl, faux-hawk, bro-hawk, mullet, rat-tail, jewfro, white guy with cornrows, any guy with cornrows, highlights or your hair looks like you could have been a member of white snake or poison
- your facial hair looks like it was sculpted by a laser
- you wear a beaded necklace.
- your shirt is unbuttoned more than 2 buttons and tufts of hair, a gold chain or beaded necklace hang out
- wearing a t-shirt so tight, it looks like it belongs to your little sister or on the opposite end of the spectrum one that looks like the nightshirt I bought from walmart the other day
- you refer to women as mami, shawty, habibi, babe, babycakes, sweetness or hottie
- you wear Ed Hardy ANYTHING
- you have a grill, gold teeth or a diamond on your tooth(seems to be more popular in Europe)
- you smell of weed, burned through your nasal cavity because of cocaine use or still pretend that you are a raver and do E
- your pants are so tight I can see your man bulge and I wasn't even asked if I wanted to see it. How rude!
- you pour champagne on girls
- you get bottle service everytime you go out and you really can't afford it
- you buy me a drink and expect me to hang out with you for more than 5 minutes
- you go tanning
- you display symptoms of roid rage
- your neck is as thick as a tree trunk and your biceps look like they are giving birth to twins
- you don't date women your age because you know they will call you on your shit and won't put up with shit
- you are willing to spend more money on rims than child support
- you have rims that spin
- you listen to Euro and freestyle
- the bass in your car is so loud I can feel it vibrating in my car. Thank-you.
- women frequently call you a DOUCHE
I AM A PUTANA IF...........
- you have a perennial tan, have a membership to a tanning salon, smell like tanning oil or self tanner on a daily basis
- your skin looks like leather cow hide from excessive tanning
- you wear lipstick or lipgloss that looks like someone jizzed on your mouth
- you have to replenish your eyeliner every 3 weeks
- you wear foundation that is 3 or more shades darker than your complexion
- you are a brown or black girl and you wear foundation that looks like a ghost jizzed on your face.
- bronzer is your best friend and lover
- you wear different colour weaves to match your outfits
- you use "the bump" in your hair or tease it to attain heights never seen before
- you have an acrylic french manicure
- you own one or several pairs of shoes with clear lucite heels
- your favourite stores are Guess, Marciano or Bebe
- you love animal print more than life itself
- you frequently wear something that was meant to be a top, as a dress
- you wear one of these top/dresses in the winter with no panty-hose or tights, open toed heels and no jacket because you want all the douches to see you in your full glory walking into the club and you always get in quickly because you "know" all the bouncers
- you say your body is a temple and critize people for eating a burger when you smoke a pack a day, go tanning, eat tv dinners and drink excessivily
- you have eyelash extensions that look like spiders have nested on your eyes
- you wear a lace front weave and I can see the lace on your forehead
- you look in every mirror or shiny surface you walk by and do your best porn face
- you don't see anything wrong with displaying your camel toe
- you chew gum loudly and stroke your hair at the same time
- you take pride in knowing all the latest bashment moves and you post a video of yourself and some guy dry humping you on you tube
