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Friday, June 25, 2010

"Coming Up" MTV Audition

Please rate or comment on my friend Tassja's MTV audition! Bonne chance!

Guten morgen

This morning I meditated for 10 mins!! I know I shouldn't count the time but I think I'm improving! Something broke my concentration. I wore another pair of thongs that were too tight( I have lost some weight but not enough to wear a smaller thong) So things were in places they shouldn't be. I tried to ignore for as long as possible but I couldn't and lost my concentration. I then moved onto my other morning ritual—blowing into my magical flute. I played a latin jazz tune on it. Later today will be my very first bike riding attempt. Don't make fun of me or I will find out where you live, and drop cat feces in your mouth while you sleep. Have an orgasmic day.

Thursday, June 24, 2010

My new ritual

I have decided that every morning until I find the man of my dreams I will blow into my special flute. My friend Boots purchased it for me in the Dominican Republic. I think of it as a mating call of sorts. I feel that if I blow long and hard enough, the love of my life will appear. Wish me luck.

# 18

What shall #18 be?
Go on a date with a girl
Eat a peanut butter sandwich topped with peanuts
Shave my head
Volunteer in a developing nation free polls

Wednesday, June 23, 2010

Just as I suspected

So, I decided I would be a bit more truthful on my POF profile. I changed my profile picture to one with shorter hair(my weave is gone) and I also changed my body type. The options were "a few extra pounds" or BBW(which screams morbidly obese to me). I chose "a few extra pounds". Guess how many messages were in my inbox? Two paltry messages. I usually average about 10-15 a day.WTF. I knew fatty-disclosure would lead to less messages. Shallow bastards. Who am I kidding? I am a fatty but I don't date fatties. I like thin men. I like them to look a little hungry...perhaps even emaciated. I have fantasies of force feeding them(like they do to ducks to make foie gras). I know I am sick. 


As I was writing this post, I checked my pof and I had a few messages. Two of those message were from cute guys. One ebony, one ivory. Hopefully they don't say anything stupid and we can get this show on the road!

Tuesday, June 22, 2010


Codename: Bore
Nationality: Canadian(white)
Occupation: Graphic designer

Guess where we had our date??? C'mon take a wild guess??? If you guessed a mother f**kin' coffee shop, you hit the nail on the head. By far this was the most boring date of them all. He sounded like Dudley Do-right. He had the complexion of wonder bread and the enthusiasm of a tortoise. Here are some of the things I thought about during this date:

-How much would it hurt if I were to scoop my eyeballs out with a melon baller?
-How can I shift like a lady to get my lip out of a compromising position(not the lips on my face)
-I need to cut my cuticles
-I need new bras. This one isn't very supportive
-They should make jet packs that are powered by methane. That way I could just fart and fly away     from this dreadful date
-These thongs are too tight
-Why am I single? I'm f**kin fantastic! At least that's what my female friends tell me.... I need some male    friends(straight ones)
-That girl has really nice armpits

As you can tell, I had no interest. I would nod and reply to questions but my mind was elsewhere. He seemed really nice— it just wasn't a good fit. I get asked all the time what I'm looking for. I find it difficult to verbalize. I'll know when I find him.

Monday, June 21, 2010


I found a solitary hair growing out of my chin a few months ago during one of my staring in the mirror sessions. I was horrified! I felt like that one strand was a symbol of my impending spinsterhood. I named her Molly and hastily plucked her out. I forgot about Molly until yesterday when I noticed she returned to torment me. I don't know if I'm going to pluck her out this time. I think I may leave her there and if a date is not going so well, I'll start twirling her between my thumb and index finger. That's all. Oh yeah....I'm happy because I feel like a hairless cat again.

Friday, June 18, 2010

Frasier Fraternal Scwinns part 2

This will be me next week. I know you're thinking what kind of invalid doesn't know how to ride a bike at 29 years old. I assure you, there are others like me—hiding in the shadows. After I came out, others came to me privately and shared their shame. I will be the martyr. I will stand proud for us(you know who you are)! I hated the smugness of bike riders who would say " it's like riding a bike". Well I don't know how to ride a fuckin bike! Whenever someone would use that analogy, I would want to punch them in the face.

I refuse to spend money on knee pads and such but I need to protect myself. I think I may duct tape pillows around my knees and elbows. I am very accident prone, so this will make for good entertainment.

Tuesday, June 15, 2010


Codename: Kremlin
Nationality: Russian
Occupation: Engineer

We spoke over the phone briefly. When I heard his thick eastern block accent, I almost didn't want to go(but I never want to go on dates). I quieted my inner voice that was telling me to cancel. He was adamant about picking me up. I thought maybe he was a serial killer or rapist and didn't want me to have my own transportation or way out (he was just being a gentleman).  I made it clear that I would like to make my own way there.

It was his idea to go to the Sultan's Tent. He said (insert Russian accent)" It is to be very nice, they have belly dancers and things like this". I have been to the Sultan's Tent a couple times, but I didn't want to ruin the allure for him. I said yes because he seemed nice enough and I knew I would get a meal.

I was dressed in a demure, virginal fashion. I arrived first and got seated. He approached, we did a double kiss. He looked just like his picture: thin build, 5'9, receding dirty blond hair and blue eyes. Not ugly, but not my type. The conversation was good. There were a couple awkward silences. We talked about life in Russia, travel, what we like to do in our spare time.

The belly dancer came out soon after we arrived. I joked that she was coming for him next and he looked horrified "I cannot dance like this,no,no,no". I felt bad because every table the belly dancer approached was full of lifeless drones who didn't want to dance. When she came over to us, I obliged. I copied her moves. It was quite easy because I am a dancer of unknown parallel. She told me I was a natural. He was also impressed by my skills.

 There was a slight coldness to him but I think that may just be cultural.  He was already talking about our second date. He likes to be outdoors often. He wants to take me to some waterfall in a forest that's a couple hours outside Toronto for a pinic(maybe so he could dismember my body and scatter it). I told him I would think about it.We finished dinner and chatted while we waited for the bill. It came and I did "the reach"  and he gave me a puzzled look and said "this is my treat, I asked you out, so I must pay". Spoken like a true gentlemen. YES!!!! Thank goodness cause I need a new pair of shoes.

Sunday, June 13, 2010

Someone is gonna get a shank in their ribs

Troika:Do you date white men?
I adore and prefer to date black women, but it is hard to find intelligent and open
minded ones here in Toronto. Lots with attitude and little else.
Have a beautiful day,
Easternblocdouchebag start off with saying you prefer black women and then end with insulting us?

Troika:Thank you for your email.
It was just an observation. Sadly attitude is assumed to standard in for reasoned
argument, as in your case.(that sentence makes no sense)Hopefully you might prove me wrong that there are open minded and intelligent black women here in Toronto that do need to fall back on ABW syndrome.(Oh please massa can I???)Have a beautiful night,

Rhodesia:I don't have an attitude but when someone sends a message and insults my entire race of women, I can't help but be a little perturbed. Maybe you approach other black women in the same fashion. I have had many white men approach me looking for sex or in a manner that is not respectful. I don't go around making assumptions about your kind. I take each person at face value. Telling a woman you are interested in, that you find most of the women that look like her, in this city are not intelligent and have an attitude— not the best opening line.

Troika:Hi again,

Thanks for the email.
It seems you have quite a chip on your shoulder. If you read my email, I used the word "lots".(Oh, thanks for clearing that up. Silly me!)If some says that they have lots of money, does that mean that he has all the money that exists in the world and the rest of the world has none. (What in the who what? This guy is a fuckin flaming turd basket!)You seem to have a strange view of the world if that is the way you see the world. (Not wanting is be insulted is a strange view of the world?hmm.)I prefer to be more logical( yeah and I am the fuckin tooth fairy and eat peanut butter).Again, I was making an observation of the women that I have come across on here. In quite a few cases they have a right to have an attitude, sadly there are disproportionally more single mothers of young children, so life is not easy.(Thanks nightline, did you hear about the Easternblocdouche that got a shank in his ribs?)
Have a beautiful night(fuck off)

Rhodesia:HA! I don't have a chip on my shoulder. I am one of the most agreeable people that you will never have the pleasure of meeting. I don't have a strange view of the world. I have been to 28 countries and I am very open-minded person.I think you have hyper-sexualized black women and seek out stereotypical ones so you can feel superior to them. Thank-you for giving me disparaging stats on single mothers. I am not one and I was raised in a two parent home.Can you imagine sending a message to a blonde and saying " I love blondes, but most of you are dumb as fuck?" What do you think her response would be?
I bid you adieu and wish you good luck in your search... who am I kidding, no I don't.

Sorry for the negative posts over the past couple of days. For a long time I have been a person who keeps my thoughts to myself.  In many in situations where I should have spoken up, I remained silent. No more. I think sometimes I had the fear of coming across as the "angry black woman". No more being a fucking martyr! I hold things in— letting it fester until it explodes and people see the angry in me that they never knew existed. A few months ago, I wouldn't have responded to his message or the comment that was left the other day. You may wonder why I give these people the time of day? I'm making up for lost time. Lost insults. Biting my tongue. Swallowing my pride. Ahhhhh. It's kind of refreshing to let er' rip. I will try not to spend anymore time on posts like this. I must be sending out the wrong energy into the universe. Must. Center. Myself. OHM......

Thursday, June 10, 2010

I knew this day would come

Just last week, I had a discussion with a friend about blogs and people who write hateful, anonymous  comments on them. I told her that I knew my day would soon come. I didn't expect this particular post would garner such a negative reaction (I have written much more offensive things). I understand that by writing this blog, I am putting myself out there and not everyone will like what I have to say.

I got the best piece of advice from a completely unexpected source once. It was dispensed by an overweight, American woman with a blond bouffant, frosty eye-shadow and blue pantsuit. To me, she was the epitome of American excess—too much hair, too much food, too much personality, too much patriotism— too much. I wasn't really enthused about listening and questioned whether she would have anything of value to say. I reined in my rash judgement of her and listened. She said to me " No matter how far you travel, you can't run from yourself". It blindsided me, because at the time I was running from myself and hadn't realized it. Sometimes the most poignant advice or revelation can come from a place neither welcomed or expected. Just listen...

Well you cant really run from yourself, there is no where to run, maybe you dont like yourself and so you kind of hide yourself from view. Maybe your another version of American excess, while the Jewish lady displays her excess more obviously , yours hidden behind your lack of self awareness, esteem and obsession.

Dear Anonymous,
I am glad you felt comfortable enough to comment behind your cloak of anonymity. Perhaps you should have read the post more thoroughly before commenting. If you did, you would have noticed that immediately after I judged her I "reined in my rash judgement". I admitted that it was preemptive. I was wrong for dismissing her because of her appearance. I guess you are a saint and have never made assumptions about someone based on appearance????? I was trying to impart that I was quick to judge, but got something of value from a person because I let go of my preconceived notions and listened.

I read my post repeatedly, searching for the part where I said she was Jewish??? Oh yeah, I didn't! You should examine your anti-semitism. Perhaps it is hidden in your subconscious, behind your copy of Mein Kampf and you, not I, need a good dose of self-awareness. To you Jewish= excess, too much food, too much personality,etc??

 So let me get this straight—my excess is having low self-esteem and lack of self-awareness? So having too little of something is excess? What exactly am I obessing over?  Everyone has elements that they find unappealing within themselves. What is more self-aware than acknowledging these things and trying to change them?

I was unaware that this blog is a vapid, black hole from which you cannot escape. If you find this blog unappealing, self-indulgent or boring...don't let the door hit you on the way out.

Wednesday, June 9, 2010

You can't run from yourself

I got the best piece of advice from a completely unexpected source once. It was dispensed by an overweight, American woman with a blond bouffant, frosty eye-shadow and blue pantsuit. To me, she was the epitome of  American excess—too much hair, too much food, too much personality, too much patriotism— too much. I wasn't really enthused about listening and questioned whether she would have anything of value to say.  I reined in my rash judgement of her and listened. She said to me " No matter how far you travel, you can't run from yourself". It blindsided me, because at the time I was running from myself and hadn't realized it. Sometimes the most poignant advice or revelation can come from a place neither welcomed or expected. Just listen...

Tuesday, June 8, 2010


I sincerely apologize that it has taken me so long to go on another date. I really despise going on them. For me, it is torture especially with the candidates that are presented to me. I was told that I am slacking by several people. I am a procrastinator and I am trying to get beyond this behaviour. I realize waiting until tomorrow hasn't gotten me anything yet. Here is date #4.

Codename: Numbers

Another coffee shop date. ( You may wonder why I don't ask to go to a restaurant instead: I don't want to come across as high maintenance, a gold digger or a hungry heifer). He was on time, moderately attractive and polite. I think he shops at Pinstripe or Le Chateau for men. He had some serious razor bumps and a keloid. I think he may have noticed me staring at it. It was....uneventful. There was no chemistry. I think it lasted 40mins. He told me I looked different than my picture. That's code for "you look fatter and less attractive than your picture". I wanted to say" I never noticed that keloid in your picture, I wouldn't have wasted my time." I'm having a cyclical mood swing. I think I need to get over the attitude that I am doing this because I have to. Anywhoo, on to the next one...

Saturday, June 5, 2010


I have secretly wanted to get my upper canines sharpened for a long time now. I think mine are naturally sharper than others I have seen(maybe I was a vampire in a past life, wait that doesn't make sense because vampires are immortal or maybe I died from sun exposure of a steak to the heart?). Sometimes I run my tongue along them thinking about how easy it would be to mascerate a steak(or a man) with my teeth. This is why I keep most of my thoughts to myself.

Thursday, June 3, 2010

sometimes when you're having a cyclical mood swing bad things happen

So last night I made an attempt to go to a free meditation class in Korea town. I sat in traffic for almost an hour. It was a torrential downpour. For some reason people loose all sense and forget how to drive. I saw three accidents on my way . I finally reached the area and parked hurriedly. I went to put money in the machine and that money disappeared and I had no ticket. I lost $5.This happened to me a few weeks ago and I got a parking ticket. I wasn't about to get another one, so I called the number on the parking machine and spoke to some wanker who promised that I would not get another one.

At this point it's 7:07— the class starts at 7pm and who wants to be late to a meditation class? I rush to find the place. I reach the address disheveled,soaked and not in a meditation mood only to discover it was a Korean tailor and not a Buddhist centre. I wondered if this place was like Shangri La and if I searched long and hard enough I could find this bliss on earth. Not bloody likely! I didn't find it. Soaked and annoyed I drove back and met my friend to watch Sex and the city 2. Another disappointment.

When I came home I looked at the address for the Buddhist centre and I had remembered it incorrectly...Whoopsies! My friends will not be surprised by this at all.

I had a date lined up tonight. He seemed to be somewhat promising and HE cancelled on me. WTF????? You don't cancel on me. I do all the cancelling! Perhaps I am putting bad energy out there in the universe. I must regroup and find myself in a better mood before anything else happens. Now piss off!