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Saturday, October 30, 2010

Conversation with my brother on bbm #3

My brother sends me a picture of a bird perched on his front lawn. My friend Zahara says we are not normal.

Me: What kind of bird is that?

Bro: A hawk, I think. I watched it catch prey(a smaller bird) and devour it

Me: Liar. You dressed up a f**kin loon. Def not a hawk

Bro: HAHA! If you saw the wingspan you would know. A loon has a beak like a hawk fooclawt

Me: That ain't no hawk. It looks too dainty

Bro: Then it was an eagle! Don't you dare call an eagle dainty!

Me: If that's an eagle, I'm the bloodclawt queen of England. I saw a raven the other day. Now that's a bird. Dark and ominous like me

Bro: A raven is nearly as common as a seagull. So by extension you are common

Me: Scusi? I don't think so"Quoth the raven, `Nevermore". Edgar Allen Poe wrote a beautiful poem about a raven. Its a rare beauty, like me. I am anything but common

Bro: I liken a raven to bad omens. So I guess it is rare in that sense

Me: Misunderstood like me. Someone must be the bearer of bad news. If I were a bird, I would be a raven and I would peck the shit out of doves and blue jays.

Bro: Bahahahaha. Wow, you sure are rare...rarely decent

Me: Touché. Maybe I'll be a raven for Halloween

Bro: I would like to see that

Me: What if I just wear a black cape and some feathers, hover over people and tell them they are going to die?


Occupation:Defence contractorAge:28

Handkerchief was my very first Asian. Out of the many men that have messaged me over the past 6+ months, I would say less that 5% have been Asian. I have always(well not always) been open to dating men of all nationalities.

The goods:
We met at a Thai restaurant in the Annex(yeah dinner!) I was fifteen minutes late. I came rushing in and there he sat in plaid blazer, dress shirt and perfectly placed handkerchief peeking out of the breast pocket of his blazer. He's not my usual type but I thought he was cute(better than his picture). He was about 5'10, average build, short black hair and glasses. He stood as I approached. He helped me take off my coat and pulled out my chair(points!).

We perused the menu and decided to share a couple of dishes. He had a beer and I had a cold ginger beverage. We dined on green curry and tofu. We conversed about many different things. At times it was difficult to hear, as the restaurant was crowded and the adjacent tables were very close( I am sure they were listening to our conversation). I would say there was a good rapport. I broke protocol for the first time... I told him about the blog! I KNOW! I didn't give him the address, but I explained the premise. He seemed like a nice guy, so I thought I would be honest. I told him he was number 14. He said he felt used. He wanted to know to rules; If I could go on the remainder of the dates with him. I explained that I couldn't. He said that meant that I am unavailable until my little project is over. Pretty much.

The bill came. I asked him to pass my purse(the compulsory reach), he refused(YES! I got a meal and I didn't have to pay.) We decided to go for coffee. We got up to leave, he helped me put on my coat and opened the door. He was a true gentleman. We went for tea and a more quiet chat. I ordered a peppermint tea, he ordered hot chocolate. When the tea arrived and I saw that it was fresh peppermint tea I nearly jizzed in my pants(this is one of my favourite things). We stayed for about an hour and then he walked me to my car. We hugged and promised that we would do it again soon.

I had a good time. He's intelligent, he likes to travel, he knows how to salsa and  how to treat a lady. I just don't know if I'm attracted to him. I do know that I would definitely go out with him again.

Thursday, October 28, 2010

Ten Twenty-Eight

Today is a glorious day! The Sound of Music cast reunites on Oprah, I've got a date and its my nephew Boobers first birthday. Amazing!

Tuesday, October 26, 2010

Blow me

Someone finally found this  post offensive enough to comment. I have no problem with people being critical. Just come correct, that's all.

Comment: hater . Ganguro is bad ass cuz they makin a serious statement about conforming to the "norm". Im rocking it for halloween. I actually seen those 2 girls out before and their hot & very sweet SO YOU CAN STOP slandering their name. & what is really wrong with wearing nude lip stick? Most women wear it. Do you have a mother?

My thoughts:

Dear Anonymous,

I am sorry if I offended your peasant sensibilites. This blog is a dictatorship. Its filled with my ramblings and diatribes about things I enjoy or loathe. One of the things I find unappealing, you seem to hold dear to your heart. I was merely expressing my opinion.

"Ganguro is bad ass cuz they makin a serious statement about conforming to the 'norm'. " Do you know what else is bad-ass? Possessing astute knowledge of the English language and the ability to express yourself in a clear manner—a skill you obviously lack. Did you mean to say that Ganguro are making a statement by not conforming to societal norms? If you find the Ganguro look so appealing, why wait until Halloween to rock it? Make it your everyday look.

I meant no slight against the two girls in the picture. I simply Googled pale lips and guidettes and their picture came up. Please look up the meaning of slander. In order for me to slander someones name, I must know it. I don't see anything wrong with nude lipstick—its jizz mouth I oppose(there is a vast difference). I was wondering how you came about your assertion that "most women wear it"? Did you carry out some sort of informal poll of fellow putanas in your area?

I do have a mother. I don't see the correlation between the rest of your rant and having a mother. Please clarify. Lastly, blow me and get the f**k off my blog. Good day!

Monday, October 25, 2010

I shall return to you in the night

Swine passed my lips this weekend. A friend and I dined at a restaurant I had been to before. I recalled that their pulled pork appetizer was orgasmic. She didn't want to order it and lead me into temptation. I insisted. When the sweet, shredded piglet arrived at the table, it was as if a light shone upon her and angels sang in blissful harmony. I spread her onto a crispy wanton chip and took in her awesome beauty for a moment.  She entered my mouth— with no protest. My mandible clenched down upon her, molars masticated, taste buds rose, I swallowed. Bliss.

 I must tell you that I drank absinthe before dinner. This could have impaired my judgement( I usually have poor judgement anyway). I also shared a bottle of wine with my friend during dinner...I also had a couple of drinks when I went out dancing, later that evening. I came home very inebriated. I don't drink often.When I do, I tend to make up for lost time. Since the cleanse, I have noticed that my usual inexhaustible tolerance level has diminished. I became ill and watched little piglet swirl away as I flushed her(and all of my stomach's contents) down the toilet. We were reunited for a brief moment, sweet morsel.

Friday, October 22, 2010


Where can one get an absinthe spoon in Toronto by tomorrow?

Trying not to get discouraged

With every date I go on, the light inside my teflon encased heart, dims just a little bit more. I ask myself questions like:Is it me? What am I doing wrong? Is my virginal beauty too much for them to handle? I know, it's lunacy to even ask those questions. I just simply have to believe that he's out there. I try not to judge these men, that I go on dates with. They are, after all on the same quest— to find a match. What if there is no match for me?


Who is reading this blog in Slovenia? Ahoj! Please don't leave me.

Thursday, October 21, 2010


Codename: Francois
Nationailty:French(West-African descent)

Yet another coffee shop date. I drove 25km after a long day(I was on the verge of cancelling) to meet him for a non-meal. We met at one of the big chain coffee houses. He was on time. He wasn't unattractive. Dark chocolate complexion, nice smile. He wore a striped shirt and jeans. He spoke with a thick french accent and asked me several times if I spoke french. No! Je ne parle pas français! There were many awkward silences. Many. Did I say many? He told me what is studying and I didn't really understand what the ras he said, so I just nodded and smiled. He actually ended it and said he had to study...OUCH! I usually end them. It lasted just over an hour. I hate this shite.

When will I find my Prince(or Prince Rogers Nelson)?

Tuesday, October 19, 2010

#27 Meditation

I am proud to say that I have been meditating everyday, for the past few months. In the beginning, I thought you had to meditate for substantial amounts of time for it to considered meditation. I was informed that a few minutes of meditation daily is more beneficial that an hour once in a while. I found going to the Shambala centre helped me in my pratice. I won't cross it off yet. I meditate for five to ten minutes in the morning and also in the evening. I'm getting there.

Monday, October 18, 2010

Don't give up on me yet

There are some interesting things coming. Still only hovering between 190-192 fans. It hurts. Why don't you love me? Two dates are planned for this week, both seem equally annoying.


I forgot to wear deodorant the other day. I only became aware of this when I lifted my arm to grab something and noticed that I wasn't as fragrant as usual. I kept my arms at my sides for the remainder of the day. When I arrived home, I did a sniff test and noted the subtle nuances of my own personal aroma: nutty, woodsy, pungently sweet(not really). I thought it pointless to put on deodorant at that point because I was already at home. Instead, I decided to do a litmus test with post-it paper. I swatched the post-it under my arms, then I worked out and swatched again. An hour after working out I did another swatch. I compared the three samples and noted the variance in odour. It was quite interesting. I concluded that I would never forget to wear deodorant again. Episodes like this are why I will probably remain single for the rest of my life.

Sunday, October 17, 2010


This past week has been one of reflection. My uncle passed away after a long, arduous battle with cancer. When situations like this arise, it definitely makes you reflect on your own mortality. He was only fifty-one. He was a thin man and he didn't drink or smoke. There have been a few other instances of cancer in my family. Watching my father shovel dirt onto his younger brothers grave was a stark reminder that health, not vanity should be at the forefront of my battle to lose weight. Many studies show that people who are overweight or obese are more at risk. I remember having a dream nightmare at thriteen years old that I had ovarian cancer(strange I know).  I am going for my annual physical shortly an I feel like I'm being a bit of a hypochondriac and I'm going to stop looking things up on-line. This weekend also reminded me that family is invaluable.

Thursday, October 14, 2010


I am having a cyclical mood swing again. You should know by now what kind of mood I am in. No dates until next week, sorry.

Wrangler45:It must have been a rainy day when you were born..Heaven was crying 'cus it lost its most beautiful angel!
Blow me. He couldn't be more wrong. I was born on a sunny day, at ten to noon(ready for lunch!) If I believed in a heaven, I probably wouldn't come from there. I think I would spring from the cinders of a hot, dark place.

tuttut: hi baby ;)
Who the f**k are you winking at? This one hails from New Brunswick. They really do make 'em special out there. I am not an infant, nor do I have some form of infantilism. So why does he refer to me as baby? He was not attractive. He had the complexion of Wonderbread and he wore basketball shorts and a wife-beater in his profile pic. Perhaps, if he was supremely good looking I would dress up in a diaper and bonnet and he could call me baby all he wants...

Andyb: What up! You mighty cute, but you only have pics of your face. You a big girl?
Why, yes I am rotund( like it says in my description you twat!) He actually wasn't bad looking—smash worthy actually. I read his profile and I just couldn't do it. He said things like "break you off proper" and "I be at the ball court or chillin."

Friday, October 8, 2010


My friend Kristina put me onto this blog. Hilarious.

Most popular posts

According to blogspot stats, these are my top three most viewed posts. The jizz mouth one really surprised me.

#1. Laser sculpted facial hair and jizz mouth. Maybe people google jizz mouth and my blog comes up.

#2.Goodbye my love. My moving love poem to swine. I guess it touched the hearts of many.

#3.Lull. I think I had slacked for a while and it was my return to insults.


Drink Absinthe

I did a little tango with the green fairy last night. (For the sake of legality, let's say I was in France). A friend gave me some in a flask. My vision was to sit in a room, by myself, drink it and pretend I was Hemingway in Paris; I would write the most beautiful prose man had ever come across. I would change the world with my enlightened words...instead I wrote this incoherent gibberish:

A drop in the bucket is better than a dry empty pail.

Scusi? Where are the goats?

My complacency is alarming.

Esoteric are my words?

Absinthe my dear you are swift and crafty. Numbness of the tongue, acuteness of the mind, engorging of the vulva.

Clarity beyond the borders and restrictions of the mind. You glow. Lovelorn. Ascension. Higher heights.

Ummmmm. Wow. At the time I felt like it had no effect on me. It has a sort of anise/liquorice flavour and it burned going down. I sipped it slowly, with ice(even though I was told drink at room temperature and shots in quick succession). I honestly felt nothing until I closed my eyes, tried to sleep and saw a couple floating heads. When I read my ramblings this morning, I realized she did hit me. Oh, green fairy, you naughty little minx.

I still have a little bit left. I may share it with friends and write a nursery rhyme.

Conversation with my brother on bbm#2

This conversation happened while we sat across from one another on a commuter train.

My brother sends a picture of my nephew Boobers.

Me: Cutest baby in the history of all babies born, ever, in the entire universe.
Bro: HA! Get him some press so I don't have to work for a living.
Me: Maybe I'll write an ode to Boobers. BTW, my ankle still looks like a cankle(I sprained my ankle almost a year ago and my right foot looks like it belongs to a nonna)
Bro: You need to let me operate!
Me: No way in hell! What treatment would you provide?
Bro: I would google it and go from there.
Me: Are you nuts? You want me to entrust my health care to a pseudo doctor who is going to "google" my treatment? No thanks broke foot( my brother has a healing achilles).
Bro: "Pseudo" doctors are the new wave in health care, in the absence of real doctors. My foot is healing quite nicely with adamantium steel  implants à la Wolverine.
Me:You done lost your mind. Judging by the way you took care of me as a child, I'll pass on the treatment.
Bro: I have more presence of mind than ever. I don't know what childhood you speak of. I gave you quality sibling stewardship.
Me: WHAT? Stewardship? Who uses that word?
Bro: People with intellectual capital use words like "stewardship".
Me: Wow!How incredibly pretentious.

How I have missed you...

I am so sorry for my absence. How I have missed you so. I downloaded a virus—despite warnings from my brother about my pilfering... I still did it and now I am paying the price. It has been a strange couple of weeks;I got that strange email (from myself) that I deleted years ago, I got stood up, I can't find my camera, I got punked by a guy on BBM(I'll explain later) and a Megabus I was on blew a flat-tire on the highway and it took over an hour for a replacement bus to arrive. When I look at these things I just view them as small annoyances and I am grateful that these are my problems(well I have many others, but we won't get into that). Perhaps the universe is paying me back for all the times I farted in public, insulted people, massaged myself with pork fat or subjected my nephew Boobers to my self-made nursery songs. Such is life. I hope you missed me too. Don't leave me.

Friday, October 1, 2010


It's been a while since I talked about it. I just wanted to tell you...that I have lost 12lbs. Woohoo!!! I won't lie, I cheated a couple of times. I had a crepe one day, and sweet potato fries another day(SORRY STEPHANIE!) but I was good otherwise. Its been over 30 days. I do miss my three loves cheese, bread and pork. If I could eat those three things without consequence, all would be right in the world. Still working on my journey to lose weight. Its a struggle, but I will make it happen.


Remember Molly? Well, she now has a friend. The other day I discovered a second hair on my chin. What does this mean? Is the world going to end? Will a second chin hair lead me closer to spinsterhood ? I think there is something regal and elegant about a woman with facial hair.

I showed Molly and Ginger(that's her name) to some of my friends. They look at me with disdain and simply ask why don't I pluck them out? I say no! Molly and Ginger are here to stay(unless I meet a really hot guy). I am pretty much hairless on every other orifice, so I'll let them keep me company for now.

POF wanks

Going back to the root of what started this blog—insulting men from POF. A few peeps have told me that they miss this part and they want to see more of it. I will try and post them more frequently, but the freaks don't come out as much...or maybe I have just become immune.

mango33:(message#1)There is a miracle called Friendship.I'm wishing at this time for miracle to hapend to for u to be my friend.I know now why Shakespeare could not compare his love to a summer’s day.
What the ras are you talking about? Like this turdbasket has ever read some mother f**ckin Shakespeare. Why is the word friendship capitalized?

mango33:(message #2)It would be a crime to denounce the beauty
of such a creature as u are be u men on pic
Creature? That title should be reserved for Sasquatch or the lochness monster— I am a lady. I read the highlighted part of this sentence over and over again, trying to decipher what language he speaks. It must be some peasant dialect that I am not familiar with.

ras77:dear my weekend was grt could have been better if i had a princes like u beside me,lol,how was urs hope pof is treating u well,i think im done with this site it so may white girls that will not let a brother meet a sweet sister like u
What happened to periods and capital letters and spelling you? So you blame white girls for not meeting a "sweet sister" like me? How about the fact that you can't spell princess, or the fact that you are wearing a t-shirt that looks like my night-shirt or the fact that you have a doo-rag on in your profile pic, or the fact that you say you want a "trained woman". This wanker should be grateful any woman with a low enough self-esteem would be interested in him.

taylors: I have always wanted to lick a black girls ass. You look like you have a nice donk.
Scusi? Holy f**k nuts batman! Its been a while since I got one of these freaks. I do have a nice donk. One that he will never see. I think he must have googled the word "donk".  I would never consider this but a part of me wants to tell him yes. I would eat at taco bell, curry goat and cheesecake. Then I would take a shard and not wipe myself and then I would tell him to get to work. Sorry, I disgust myself sometimes.