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Thursday, May 19, 2011

VERITAS

This happened quite a while ago and most of my friends already know this story. When it happened, I decided it wouldn't be appropriate to share. But... I recently remembered that I have never really been appropriate, so I am sharing it now.

Most of you will remember Edelweiss from here and here. A few people inquired about what happened to him because it seemed like we had a good rapport—some chemistry even.

Edelweiss studies eastern medicine and I decided to go for an acupuncture session at his house. That was the last time I saw him...

I arrived at his Victorian style residence and immediately had second thoughts. The lawn was unkempt, the paint on the front door was peeling, and I swore a black cat walked by and glared at me. He answered the door all bright-eyed and bushy tailed in a white lab coat. We walked upstairs to the top floor where he led me to a room with a massage table. He was very officious about the whole thing and made me fill out forms about my ailments, liability, blah, blah, blah. I thoroughly filled out the forms and he instructed me to disrobe when he left the room. I did so and lay under the paper thin white sheet. He returned and sat on a chair across from me, in his white lab coat, studying my forms. He then started with a line of questioning that was...just read on. (Please insert Austrian accent in Edelweiss' lines.)

Edelweiss:You put that you suffer from back pain. What caused this?


Me:A car accident a few years ago.


Edelweiss:You also put that you have menstrual cramps.


Me:Yes.


Edelweiss:How many days is your period? How intense are your cramps?


Me:I don't know 5 days... My cramps are quite intense (starting to feel extremely uncomfortable at this point)


Edelweiss: Ok. Are there clots? And what colour is the blood?

Do you want a f**kin sample? It was at this point I knew I would never bone Edelweiss. EVER! If I had a penis it would have gone flaccid, curled up inside of me and become a vagina. I know he was doing his job, but the combination of the white lab coat, Austrian accent, period questions and the fact that I was lying half naked under a thin sheet was just too much for me.

I flipped over onto my stomach and as he tucked the sheet into my underwear he made a sound like "hmmm" or something to that effect. I think my choice of undergarment surprised him. I wore thongs with a bow at the back...just in case I was getting poked by something other than needles. I KID!

 I think I had more than 30 needles in various points, all over my body. I lay there for maybe 30 minutes. He came to take them out and stood at the head of the massage table. As I looked down through the hole I couldn't help but stare at his feet. He wore black socks and flip-flops. The flip-flops were rammed into the socks creating webbed looking feet. I don't know why but this disturbed me more than anything else. We chatted for a little while afterwards but the whole episode left me with an irreversible anti-boner. Alas, I never got a sample of his wiener w├╝rstel.

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